We recently got a spam email that announced it had “discovered the secret to looking younger.” Being that we’re already nearly five years old, this is one of our big concerns, and we jumped (or rather, sat there) at the chance of looking younger. Unfortunately, the email refused to just tell us what the damn secret was, instead forcing us to go to their website to find out. (But we want the secret nooooow, tell tell tell!) They offered us a strange link with the promise of looking at least ten years longer upon clicking. So we did what we always do when we get suspicious links from people we don’t know. We clicked it.
It took us to a foreign land from another time a boring-ass website about health. The little attention span we had was quickly riddling away because of the complete boringness of the website (if we visit a site without a GIF of a guy getting decapitated, it’s hard for us to remain interested. We’re sure many people have that problem.) so we decided to hurriedly click a link that said “Doctors’ tips” before we fell asleep right there.
There were a bunch of tips for looking younger that everyone already knows about (things like “drink water, get 8+ hours of sleep, eat breakfast, pound yourself with a brick and repeat,” etc.), but there was one that said “don’t worry about little things” and was hyperlinked. By this time, we’d already built an addiction for clicking things (clicking kills), so we thought, “one more click won’t hurt us.” *Click.* How wrong we were. How wrong we were.
A page came up that contained a picture of an ugly dude in a doctor’s uniform, and all this crap about how the biggest thing that ages a person is stress, and how you should try to stop worrying about things that don’t matter (we’re assuming their talking about things like world hunger and such). So basically what this quack is saying is, “don’t get stressed out. It’ll kill you.”
Gee thanks, psycho. We were fine until you told us not to worry (or else you’ll die). Now we’re staying up worrying all night, not about reasonable things that matter, but about freakin’ worrying! We’re worrying about worrying! How does that work?! How are you supposed to stop worrying when they’re saying you’ll die if you don’t? Are they going for some warped ironic humor, or are they just trying to freak us out? “Stay calm or you’re dead.” Yeah, very reassuring, idiots. If you want people to stop worrying, threatening them with death probably isn’t gonna work. It might even make them worry more. That idea is right up there with, say, shock-therapy.
We can see someone reading all this bullcrap for the first time taking it like this:
Ah man, worrying causes aging? But I always worry! Does that mean I’m gonna age horribly? Oh crap! I’m worrying! I gotta stop worrying or else I’ll age! I need to stop worrying! Oh crap, oh crap! I’m worrying about worrying! Why can’t I stop worrying?!
At this point, the talking stops as this poor guy shoots himself in the head.
It’s like we’re back in school and the coach is telling us to win the game or he’ll never let us play again (it didn’t work). How the hell are we supposed to stop worrying when you they keep threatening us? Reverse psychology doesn’t work in this situation, tools. It’s gonna make people more stressful, more agitated, and more prone to illness. And then they’ll all die.
So basically, trying to get healthier only makes you less healthy. Health is screwed, so why try? The less you care about being healthy, the healthier you’ll be. So take us to McDonald’s, now.