Monthly Archives: September 2009

Let us murder your kids.

Do you hate your children?  Do you ever wish a strange man would pick them up in his van on their way home from school?  Do you feel like giving them a “permanent timeout?”  If you answered yes, we have the solution!  Here at the Official Tubbo Website, we’ll kill your kids for you at a reasonable price!  Contact us now at 177 – we – eat – kids and your kids will be gone before you know it!  We’re so sure our customers will be satisfied with our ninja-assassin skills, sometimes we don’t even tell the parent we’re about to kill their child!  Check out this happy costumer;

A happy costumer.  Prices start at $50 per killing.  At this price, you can’t afford not to have your children killed!

Did your baby just crap the floor?  That isn’t normal.  Call us.  Did your 10-year-old spill some milk?  The saying is wrong.  Call us.  Did your punk-ass teen just mouth off?  Call us, unless you want to finish him off yourself.  If your kid is the best thing in the world and you love him, call us anyway.  Or else we’ll kill your kids.



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“WTF” of the week – Green Day censored?

There have been things going on last week that have made us think (sometimes scream) “WTF?!”  Then we realized that it wasn’t so special, that WTF-moments happen nearly every week.  And this is where our genius comes in; we thought to ourselves, “why not put these WTF-moments on our website?”

Yeah, we know this is an awesome idea, don’t bother telling us.

So from now on, to brighten everybody’s otherwise dreary Monday, we’ll be ranting about subjects (things that happened the previous week) that you can’t read about without thinking (or maybe screaming, depending on how much you’re like us) WTF?!  Everyone needs some Tubbo in their life, and bringing it to you on Mondays when you need it most should help you through that God-forsaken day.  Or maybe it’ll just make you crabby all day, we aren’t sure.

Oh, by the way, we really wanted to go off on a rant about Monday there (note the way we said “God-forsaken” instead of “crummy” — usually a sign we’re about to start ranting).  But then we decided that would be lowering ourselves to Garfield’s level, and we couldn’t bring ourselves to do that.  We wouldn’t touch any subject Jim Davis has pissed on without ski-gloves and a surgical mask, and even then we’d be concerned about AIDS (“awesome-idea-deficiency-syndrome” — when was the last time Garfield has said anything remotely innovative or interesting?  Honestly, Jim Davis has been whining about the same subjects since Garfield first burdened newspaper stands everywhere with his morbid obesity and monotone (we can tell just by the text) remarks.  The cat has an eating disorder and isn’t particularly enthralled by Mondays, we get it, move on.).  And don’t get us started on Mondays . . .

Back to the WTF of the Week: today, we’re getting things starting by choosing an “international” topic (yeah, we know that was bad, but we aren’t changing it) teen girls everywhere should be familiar with: Green Day.

Okay, 21st Century Breakdown sucked hard.  No one expected otherwise, no big surprise there.  We thought about making fun of it a bit just for being the 2nd biggest flop of 2009 (number one spot goes to that new Spinal Tap album; thinking about them gives us a not-so-mild migraine.  If you haven’t heard it yet, consider yourself a survivor.), but we decided not to just because it has so many obvious flaws.  It’s completely commercial (more so than American Idiot), all the songs are radio length (2:50 – 3:30), and the punk sound that once made Green Day a notable band has long since died.  Anything we said on this site would just be repeating what thousands of others have said months earlier.  It may make someone go “WTF is this noise?” or “WTF were Green Day thinking?”, but not a solid, expressionless “W. T. F?” so that’s why it isn’t here. This snippet of a review (new window) sums up our feelings almost exactly.  We aren’t complaining about 21st Century Breakdown today (we’re saving that for tomorrow – we kid!).  We’re complaining about American Idiot.  And again, the American Idiot album sucked nearly as hard as 21st Century Breakdown, and anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves to the point where they also probably believe the world is still flat.  We aren’t ranting about the album itself, per se.  We’re ranting about how Green Day presented the album, namely the music videos.  Allow us to explain (or, if you’re a Green Day fan, don’t wait for us to explain and write us some poorly-informed hatemail).

So we were creeping around the Internet, looking for ways to watch Green Day’s videos for American Idiot in high quality (and for free) because we wanted extra material to rant about and we’ll be damned if we pay for it (plus, YouTube fails at high quality and life), when we decided to go straight to the source; the Official Green Day Website (  Hey, now that we think about it, Green Day stole our “Official Tubbo Website” name!  Bastards!

We wanted to watch the American Idiot video specifically because of it’s controversy; we were ready to cut through the biased BS and into the hearts of Billie Joe, Tre Cool, and Mike Dirnt —  Dirnt?  Really?  Dirnt?  We were trying to be all grim and serious here, but seriously, “Dirnt?”  Are we the only ones who see the issue with that last name?  He could have changed it to something cool like “Cool,” yet his last name is still “Dirnt?”  WTF?

No, that’s not the WTF of the week, we got sidetracked again.  We were watching the American Idiot music video (official we might add) on the Green Day website when we got to the part where Billie Joe usually says “the subliminal mindf–k America,” when something shocking occurred: the “F-Word” got censored out.  It got “bleeped.”

Now think about this for a minute (just don’t strain yourself).  Green Day have censored themselves on their own website.  Anyone see the total hypocrisy in this?  They decided to swear in one of their songs, but they don’t have the backbone to be able to air it on their own website!  Green Day have censored themselves on their own freaking website.

(Yes, that is the “WTF” of the week, not getting sidetracked this time.)

Some of you smartasses are thinking, “more like WTF is the big deal?”  We’ll tell you what the big freaking deal is (although we admit what the smartasses said was a bit witty, probably because we’re the ones who thought of it); Green Day, apparent punk-advocates and self-titled saviors of rock (we don’t need a savior of rock, Green Day, we already have Cannibal Corpse.  Thanks all the same.) are censoring themselves in their own videos on their own website.  It would be one thing to censor out the F-Word when the video is going to be played on MTV or a pussy television station like that (PBS Kids for example), but on their own website?  All that’s telling us is Green Day lost their guts and are afraid of getting emailed by a few former-fan’s mum announcing how she’s “very disappointed at the messages they’re giving her child.”  Shut the hell up, ma’am.

Basically, it would be like if we called a website a “crap-bag ass-knuckle” right here at the Tubbo Site.  Then when we got an email from the same website saying they were offended, we decide to fold and change it to “c–p-bag a-s-knuckle.”  That wouldn’t make much sense, would it?  It would probably make you wonder why we said it in the first place.  We would never do that because 1.) if we call a website a crap-bag ass-knuckle, they probably are and the truth is the best policy (sometimes) and 2.) we have morals, skewed as they are, and we’ll back up anything we say on this site (unlike a certain band we know).  Seriously, if Green Day couldn’t hear the unedited song on their website, why would they swear in it in the first place?  We no comprende.  El WTF?

It’s almost as if Green Day can’t make up their mind.  They want to appeal to the faux-punk kids by swearing and acting tough, but they also want to appeal to wimpy pasty-white kids who like Green Day’s music (well, they don’t like the music, but it’s popular so that doesn’t matter) but aren’t allowed to hear “naughties.”  Goddamit, make up your mind, Green Day, ’cause until you do, neither of the groups will want to listen to you.  Actually, having your music forgotten would make the world a whole lot better . . . Just keep it up, Green Day, keep it up.

Green Day are filthy hypocrites. That’s the only explanation we’ve got.  They censor themselves on their website, and aren’t worth a quarter of the recognition they get (not even the negative recognition they get for sucking).   Personally, if we were parents, we’d be more concerned about Green Day teaching kids hypocrisy than Green Day “teaching” kids a word they hear 10,000 times a day in school.  Hmm . . . do we want our kids to be able to think their minds or do we want our kids to be flimsy hypocrites who bend over every time a record label tells them to?  Thinking caps, everybody.

To prove we have more backbone than a freaking punk rock band, we’re gonna say something “controversial” and we’re gonna keep it up on the Tubbo Website.  If, after ten days, our controversial words are still on this page, it proves Green Day are fake, gutless hypocrites and that we’re better in every known (and unknown) way.  If it goes down after less than ten days, we’ll take back everything we’ve said about Green Day.  But we won’t mean it.

We’ll say: you’re mother is a faggot with crap for brains.
(Green Day also censored the word “faggot” in their American Idiot video, so this is apparently controversial and we daringly insulted your mother, which is hardcore yo.)

Check back in ten days to see if the above sentence is still here.  Then continue to check back after the ten days because this is one badass article.

Most of the time when we rant about something on the Tubbo Site, we don’t actually care about it strongly in real life, but this time it’s different.  We’re honestly pissed off about this.  Blood pressure . . . Rising . . .  The first time we heard the censored video, we kicked our pug in the face because it was the nearest and ugliest thing we could find (The Babysitter wasn’t present).  Then we sent Green Day a virus-encrypted email.  Then we got hunted down by Animal Control and the FBI.  And it’s all Green Day’s fault.  We kinda got cooled down after a while, but now we’re remembering what happened and it’s making us angry again.  Dammit!  We need our special homemade therapy!  Where the hell’s our pug?

We’ve heard some people (hippies, probably) saying that everyone’s a hypocrite and calling someone on it makes you twice the hypocrite they are.  That doesn’t stop those same damn hippies from reprimanding Bush’s hypocrisy (although we can’t blame them), and it isn’t gonna stop us from trashing Green Day.  And if anybody calls us bigger hypocrites than Green Day, we KILL YOU!

We’ve been assuming Green Day censored their video by choice, but that might not be the case.  Maybe their label (or their mothers) forced them to.  In which case the whole situation is 10x worse, because not only does that reinforce our “Green Day = Hypocrites” statement, but it also means that Green Day can’t stand up for themselves or their statements, and get down on their knees (for sure figuratively, probably also physically) whenever their label coughs.  Honestly Green Day, grow a pair (as much as we hate that phrase) and stick up for yourselves a little.  At one time we thought Green Day sucked up to the Man, but now we think Green Day is the Man.  Either way, we won’t be listening to any Green Day for quite a while (maybe we’ll pirate their new album of LimeWire just to hurt sales), and we encourage you all to follow our lead.  We also encourage you to follow us when we jump off this bridge right here.

Green Day – WTF?  Tune in next time for another “WTF” of the week next Monday.


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Don’t stress out; it’ll kill you.

We recently got a spam email that announced it had “discovered the secret to looking younger.”  Being that we’re already nearly five years old, this is one of our big concerns, and we jumped (or rather, sat there) at the chance of looking younger.  Unfortunately, the email refused to just tell us what the damn secret was, instead forcing us to go to their website to find out.  (But we want the secret nooooow, tell tell tell!)  They offered us a strange link with the promise of looking at least ten years longer upon clicking.  So we did what we always do when we get suspicious links from people we don’t know.  We clicked it.

It took us to a foreign land from another time a boring-ass website about health.  The little attention span we had was quickly riddling away because of the complete boringness of the website (if we visit a site without a GIF of a guy getting decapitated, it’s hard for us to remain interested.  We’re sure many people have that problem.) so we decided to hurriedly click a link that said “Doctors’ tips” before we fell asleep right there.

There were a bunch of tips for looking younger that everyone already knows about (things like “drink water, get 8+ hours of sleep, eat breakfast, pound yourself with a brick and repeat,” etc.), but there was one that said “don’t worry about little things” and was hyperlinked.  By this time, we’d already built an addiction for clicking things (clicking kills), so we thought, “one more click won’t hurt us.”  *Click.*  How wrong we were.  How wrong we were.

A page came up that contained a picture of an ugly dude in a doctor’s uniform, and all this crap about how the biggest thing that ages a person is stress, and how you should try to stop worrying about things that don’t matter (we’re assuming their talking about things like world hunger and such).  So basically what this quack is saying is, “don’t get stressed out.  It’ll kill you.”

Gee thanks, psycho.  We were fine until you told us not to worry (or else you’ll die).  Now we’re staying up worrying all night, not about reasonable things that matter, but about freakin’ worrying!  We’re worrying about worrying!  How does that work?!  How are you supposed to stop worrying when they’re saying you’ll die if you don’t?  Are they going for some warped ironic humor, or are they just trying to freak us out?  “Stay calm or you’re dead.”  Yeah, very reassuring, idiots.  If you want people to stop worrying, threatening them with death probably isn’t gonna work.  It might even make them worry more.  That idea is right up there with, say, shock-therapy.

We can see someone reading all this bullcrap for the first time taking it like this:

Ah man, worrying causes aging?  But I always worry!  Does that mean I’m gonna age horribly?  Oh crap!  I’m worrying!  I gotta stop worrying or else I’ll age!  I need to stop worrying!  Oh crap, oh crap!  I’m worrying about worrying!  Why can’t I stop worrying?!

At this point, the talking stops as this poor guy shoots himself in the head.

It’s like we’re back in school and the coach is telling us to win the game or he’ll never let us play again (it didn’t work).  How the hell are we supposed to stop worrying when you they keep threatening us?  Reverse psychology doesn’t work in this situation, tools.  It’s gonna make people more stressful, more agitated, and more prone to illness. And then they’ll all die.

So basically, trying to get healthier only makes you less healthy.  Health is screwed, so why try?  The less you care about being healthy, the healthier you’ll be.  So take us to McDonald’s, now.

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