Crappy blog ideas.

Lately, WordPress blogs seem to be overrun with crappy trends and ill-thought-out ideas that make you wonder were any of these thought up by a mental-ward resident? The answer is likely “yes,” but the trends continue regardless, which makes you wonder are the people following these trends mental-ward residents? Again, the answer is almost certainly “yes,” but that isn’t the point here. The point is most all these ideas are crappy. Crap straight out of the Asian’s mouth. Yeah, we went there. Read the following if you want the poopiest ideas for your blog ever invented, because we’re just that mature.

  • Ratings.
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One of the particularly crappy trends is the Rating function WordPress Support recently added. Using this, bloggers allow their viewers to rate their posts using a 1-5 star system, not unlike that of YouTube.

We’ve refused to use or enable this feature, not because we’re afraid we’ll get 1 star reviews; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. If we were to enable this feature, our blog would become flooded with five star ratings, to the point where every single one of our posts would have a perfect 5 stars. This would discourage fans from making their own blogs, because they’d think they would “never be as good as the Tubbo twins.” And we say good riddance to them, it’s obviously true.

Okay, we kinda ruined it there. We had a great Sob Story going there, and we trashed it all for a quick jab at our viewers. Crap. Most people would know that’s not true anyway, so oh well. We wouldn’t get five star reviews, and we couldn’t care less. But we do have a good reason for not using the Rating system; we don’t need you to rate us. To be completely honest, we don’t even want you to rate us. We don’t need some lowlife tween’s five star rating to sleep at night. You want the truth? We think we’re better than you. Happy? You aren’t gonna kill yourself, are you? We honestly think we’re worth more than you. It might be our ego, it might be the truth, but we believe we are superior. We don’t need your approval because it doesn’t matter to us. If we had built this blog with the intentions of garnering approval and pleasing the public, we wouldn’t have made enemies with bigger, more popular blogs, and we wouldn’t have written about such experiences. Controversy isn’t generally praised with a “Let’s-Make-Tubbo-President” status, yet we continue to write controversial material. Why do you think that is? Maybe because we don’t give a crap what you think? Maybe because we know we’re better than people who complain about controversy and truth? Ratings would contradict everything we’ve stood for here at the Tubbo Site, and we’re not gonna throw it all away just to make the viewers feel like they’re doing something constructive by giving a particularly controversial post one star (because they’re not). And to all the people who do rate blogs with one star; screw you. The owner of that blog is worth twice what you are, because he’s doing something with his life, even if it is blogging. It’s more than what could be said for you. So yeah, um, up yours.

We’ve generated more hate than love in the three years that we’ve had this blog, and we’re damn proud of it. Bully for the messed up rating system and all it’s users, because your opinions on something we do in our spare time are worthless. Our blog is our blog, it belongs to us, and we write for ourselves. No one else, not you, not our dog, not even old Bill McGraw down the way, God bless him. This is completely for our pleasure. If we give a few people looking for angry rants a good read, hey, that’s great, but if all we do is piss people off, hey, that’s even better. That’s right, to all you people getting ready to shoot us a hatemail at this very moment; Hahahahahaha! The jokes on you, tard-faced losers. All you’re doing is proving that we’re right (and we are right, it says so on our homepage). So you know what? Screw the rating system, screw the haters, and screw you, too.

  • Music players.
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And now for something completely different . . . Let’s put the self-liberation and feel good crap (above) aside for a minute. It’s time to talk about music players. No, we’re not talking about the over-priced and wrongly-hyped iPod by Apple (but we do hate those things, that might be a good idea for another rant-post). We’re talking about when bloggers think they’re being innovative (when all they’re actually being is retarded) by putting an HTML code for playing music (called MixPlayers) into their blog. Example below:

If you are gonna put a music player in your blog, here’s a bit of advice; DON’T HAVE THE MUSIC PLAY AUTOMATICALLY. That pisses us off more than anything (more than telemarketers and nuclear war combined), and for good reason. Many times we’ve damn near crapped ourselves when we come to a blog, unaware that we’re about to be blasted with music (we accidentally leave the volume all the way up on occasion). We’ve visited blogs before, at school when we’re supposed to be working (shh, don’t tell), and then this music blares out of the computer because some IDIOT decides that their blog should play that new Britney Spears song whenever it’s loaded. What the hell?! That’s a terrible freaking idea, a 2-year-old coulda told you that. Thanks idiot, now we have detention (and a heart-attack), and it’s all your fault. And you still think you should have your music play automatically? Anyone who thinks this is a good idea doesn’t deserve to breath, let alone host a blog! If you’re gonna put a music player into your blog, that’s a stupid idea. If you’re gonna have the music play automatically, that’s an even stupider idea; get ready for some justified hatemail from us, because that’s one of our thousands of pet peeves (and it’s near the top).

Another bit of advice if you’re gonna be a jerk and have everyone stop visiting your blog because of one poor idea; try putting a song that everyone enjoys on your player. Can’t think of any? That’s probably because no two people have the same taste in music! And no, not everyone likes that obnoxious new “BOOM POW” song by the Black Eyed Peas (or whatever it’s called, we have more important things to do than listen to rap-pop, like collecting dust bunnies for our collection). Personally, we leap from the car whenever that song pops up on the radio, whether we’re pulling out of the driveway, or speeding on a highway.

“Oh hai, we’d da Black Eyed Peas and we can’t not think of ‘ny good lyrics fo our new song so we’s just gonna scream BOOM BOOM POW! over n over like goddamn diabetic kids playing Power Rangers!!” No, just turn it off. Your taste in music sucks, why prove it by putting this on your music player?

We can hear the emails coming already: “But Tubbos, what if I have a wide range of music on my player so everyone hears something they like?” We’ve got an even better idea; how about you get rid of the music player instead, and let people listen to what they like from their own computer, you tool?! Most people are capable of booting up iTunes, they don’t need help from your pussy blog. If viewers want to listen to music, they’ll do it on there own. If they don’t want to listen to music, they aren’t gonna, and having your crappy music forced onto them every time they try to visit your blog isn’t gonna make them happy, it’s just gonna piss them off.

Our favorite type of music is Norwegian death metal and doom thrash. How often do you think we hear a song we like on a blog’s music player? Not very often. We’d rather hear silence, no, we’d rather have our ears gnawed off by cats than suffer through another top-40 chart topper. We’ve seriously stopped going to blogs we used to enjoy going to because we can’t stand the music they’ve started playing. So unless you can find a song that is universally loved (hint, it starts with an N and ends with an OTHING), turn the player off auto-play, or better yet, just ditch the player altogether, or better yet, delete the blog and shoot yourself in the head. Please.

We think features like these are thought up just to make people like us angry.

  • Fancy CSS, JavaScript, or Flash.
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If you’re thinking about getting a blog, there are three things it can definitely do without; Fancy CSS, JavaScript, and Flash. Used to “bright up” a blog and it’s interface, usually using these do more harm than good.

Now, we’re “slightly” biased towards things like Flash and JavaScript, partly because we never figured out how to use them and partly because we’ve witnessed seizures at the hands terribly done CSS, but we can still speak for most when we say that too much CSS/JavaScript/Flash is too damn much. Notice how we say too much, not all. That’s because, when done right and used sparingly, things like CSS can actually be kinda cool. We’ve actually been thinking about switching to payed upgrade to enable CSS for a while now. But if we do get it, you can be sure our blog isn’t gonna become one of those flashy, unnavigable, epileptic hells that you see all over WordPress lately.

And again, we can already here the emails coming: “But Tubbos, I like doing CSS and it’s kinda like a hobby lol.” We have one thing to say to you: SHUDDUP! You’re a nerd, you enjoy writing code, so kindly shut the hell up while the grown-ups talk.

If you have any skill at writing (even skills equal to that of a toddler; basically if you can spell “red”), you’ll never have to resort to using overdone CSS. Unfortunately, it’s those that don’t have good content who choose to use CSS. We’re tired of seeing content-less blogs on WordPress’s front page just because of some crappy Flash. That reminds us; if you have to use Flash — and you shouldn’t ever “have” to use Flash — for the love of God don’t use it as a Flash intro page. It’s the biggest audience killer ever (not that blogs using Flash deserve an audience). When will people wake up and realize the blog sucks? Whoopee, you learned how to copy’n’paste code into a text box! Now learn to how string words to make a comprehensible sentence, then we’ll talk. It’s not the gimmicky CSS, the bright colours, or the animations that matter; it’s the content! You can usually tell if a blog is any good just by looking at the interface, which we’ve gotten quite good at; a sharply tuned BS radar keeps you away from crappy JavaScript-dependent blogs. Basically, ask yourself, does it use a lot of fancy CSS? If yes, there’s a 95% chance the owner is using the CSS to cover up his poor writing. If no, the blog still probably sucks, but at least the owner doesn’t try to hide it. We respect honesty in talentless hacks.

Blog owners using CSS, we’ve got a message to you, BS-Express: pull your head out of your ass, go back to school, and try blogging again once you pass 2nd grade. If there isn’t anything worth reading, what’s the point of even visiting the blog?! When was the last time any of you visited a blog with the sole purpose of admiring the amazing Header (although our Header is quite amazing, so it’s only a matter of time) or the “nefty” GIF animations? That’s not why we anyone visits blogs. We everyone visits blogs to read something interesting, and there has never been an interesting blog that feels the need to use JavaScript. If it was interesting, it would be able to stand on it’s own with support from it’s Flash AIDS. We’ll praise CSS and Flash on their own terms, but NOT when they get in the way of the blog.

Want an example of one the worst-designed blogs, ever? Click here (new window); we discovered it during our time at Legoless’s Blog. It’s laughably bad, and by “laughably bad” we mean we started twitching uncontrollably after visiting it just once.

 

That’s all we’ve got for you, although crappy ideas for blogs spring up almost daily. Keep on the look out for crap-blogs, and don’t fall for any of their tricks. Or else we’ll kill you.

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7 Comments

Filed under Tubbo

7 responses to “Crappy blog ideas.

  1. Don’t worry son, I’ve got a keen eye for crap blogs. Thanks for the post.

    • I can’t tell if you’re saying my blog is crap or if you’re giving me a genuine compliment. Either way, thanks for reading . . . you old fart (hey, it’s right in your URL).

      Now get off my lawn.

      Dubba Tubba

  2. You know, that without css, java script, or flash, there would be no wordpress, which means no blogs.

    Even your site has css;
    just hit c+u in firefox and look for something like this:

    • And we quote, “. . . too much CSS/JavaScript/Flash is too damn much. Notice how we say too much, not all.

      We realize that it takes JS and such to create WordPress and that isn’t what we’re talking about; we’re talking about when blog owners overdo their optional CSS (or even when the WP themes go too far). We’re not talking about the “basic-CSS.” Just the overdone stuff. CSS = awesomness (we say that in the least nerdy way possible). Overdone/Crappy CSS = Overdone/Crappy.

      Maybe if you wouldn’t have read that portion of the article out of context, you wouldn’t have misinterpreted.

  3. all the time i used to read smaller articles or reviews which as well clear their motive, and that is also happening with
    this piece of writing which I am reading at this
    place.

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