We’ve been getting a lot of BS emails lately. Then when we reply to them/post them on the site/disregard them for the crap they are, the sender gets all hissy-pissy on us. It’s getting to the point where we don’t know what the hell to do with them! We thought about asking our lame-ass audience how they want us to respond to the mindless babble we receive daily (and it’s starting to effect us in negative ways; our doctor says that our average anger level is an 11 out of 10, but after reading our emails from the site, it’s gets up to around a 35), but then we thought, “why should they be in charge of how we respond to our technical property?” Yeah, that’s right fools, our property. As soon as you hit the “Send” button, we own your email, along with your soul and your first born. We clearly stated on the Contact page that by sending your email, you agree to the terms and conditions we haven’t written yet. On those terms and condtions that haven’t been written, we clearly state that by sending us your email, it becomes the property of mods Tubbo and Dubba Tubba (that’s us for all you slowwitted fans out there, and judging by the emails we’ve been getting, that’s quite a bit of you). So it’s our property. We own it. We own you (+soul, first born, etc. etc. etc.) Don’t like that or any of the other regulations not yet stated? Don’t know what to do? Feel lost and alone? Then don’t send the damn email! Trust us, we aren’t dying to hear from any of you. We don’t care about you. You don’t exist to us. Some of you seem to be under the impression that we’ve been waiting next to the computer all night every night, hoping for that one email from firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com. We aren’t. We’re better off without talking to you. The less we hear from you guys, the happier we’ll be.
Yet, for reasons beyond us and Albert Einstein, some of you will insist on emailing us. We’ve been as cold-hearted and blunt as we can, but we know that won’t stop the flood of emails we’ll be receiving. Maybe your attention span is just so non-existent that you’ve already forgotten that we’ve DIScouraged emailing us. The only thing we haven’t done to prevent future emails from you guys is write “DO NOT EMAIL US, IDIOTS,” in big red letters. Speaking of which . . .
DO NOT EMAIL US, IDIOTS.
. . . And yet, in our small and feeble hearts, we know we’ll got more emails. So, to our benefit as well as yours, we’re putting up a list of reasons why you shouldn’t email us. It’s to your benefit so you can decided whether or not to email us. It’s to our benefit so that we don’t have to go to so many anger management classes.
1. You’ve just been mortally offended by one of our articles.
This translates to “you’ve just had your worthless feelings hurt by ‘the big bad Tubbo’ and you feel obligated to defending your bullcrap morals by sending an email to strangers over the Internet preaching about how ‘old people shouldn’t be sent off to remote islands’/’kids shouldn’t be lit on fire’/’Yahoo! Enterprises shouldn’t be bombed’.” We get it, we offended you. We just don’t care. We actually have an amazing solution to this particular problem that doesn’t involve emailing us. Get ready because here it comes; quit reading our articles! If you feel offended by this site, stop visiting! See? See? Problem solved! God bless America!
2. You’ve spotted a huge-a-normous spelling/grammar error.
Every so often we get an email from an aspiring literary major (that, or a boring 30-year-old who needs to get out a bit more) who spots a hugomungus spelling and/or grammar error on one of our pages and feels the need to email us about it. The first problem with emailing us over something like this is that we don’t make mistakes. We are perfeckt, and if have nveer made a spelling mistace in all our live. If fact, we’ve never made a mistake of any sort, ever. Mortals can’t comprehend our perfection and assume we make mistakes. They’re wrong, we don’t. If you see a spelling mistake anywhere on this or any other page, it was intentional. We probably just wanted to screw with your mind, which we admit we do often. But make an unintentional spelling error? Unpossible.
3. You are a spam-bot.
Any spammers out there today? It’s okay if you are; you can tell us. We won’t make fun of you, we won’t block your IP Address . . . We just don’t want you emailing us. Unlike most people, we don’t like spam, so if there are any spam-bots reading this article today, please don’t send us information about unmarried singles or that one crazy dude who can’t believe he’s doing this (whatever “this” is, we never read far enough into the spam to find out what he was doing) on Father’s Day, Easter, Kwanza, Terrorist Day, and whatever other holiday he’s crazy enough to spam on, but does anyway. We’re sure those people have quite interesting lives, but we don’t need to hear about them, and if we ever met one of those “interesting” people in public, we couldn’t guarantee they’d make it out alive. We can guarantee, however, that there face would be quite a bit more “interesting” from that day on. Click here. So, if you are a spammer, don’t spam us. We’ll slice it up and feed it to your children (literally). If you aren’t sure if the email you are considering sending is spam or not, it probably is, so play it safe and don’t email us.
4. You need someone to talk to.
Sometimes we get emails from seemingly lonely people who “just need[ed] someone to talk to.” Often times they sound quite desperate, as if we were the last people they could turn to. It really pisses us off. It seems that, being the owners of a popular website, we’re often people’s last resort. Whether they’re depressed, lonely, or just feeling down, we have one response for all of them:
If you don’t want to get that less-than-happy reply from us, don’t email us about your life or about nothing in general. Most of the time we don’t even read the whole email, we just send the message. We don’t want to talk to you. We hate every last one of you, and when you start emailing us about pointless babble like “I don’t know what to do, I’m considering drastic action”, you cross the line between “average hate” and “full-out loathing”. So don’t email us. Oh, and if we really did make someone commit suicide by sending that message . . . Good.
We got the classic four idiots covered right here in this article, so that should be the majority of our emails pre-deleted right here, but we know the torrent of emails won’t stop. It won’t ever stop. We suppose putting up with lowlifes and asses is one of the prices we pay for having this website. Although it’s obviously not worth it, it’s too late to do anything about it now. And if this page stopped just one idiot from sending us an email, it was worth it.