As of late, we’ve been contemplating our life and what we’ve accomplished in our short time here on Earth. It isn’t much: when we were one, we infiltrated a monarchy and became the undisputed dictators in chief, then proceeded to leave on a jet plane (don’t know when we’ll be back again) in order to make it home in time for dinner. We made with five minutes to spare. When we were two years old, we constructed the first-ever nuclear car. No, it wasn’t a car that was run by nuclear power because that would be pointless (we never got the fuss about “fossil-fuel”; wait until it ruins the environment, then switch to an organic source); it was a gas-power car that doubled as a nuclear bomb, specifically designed with terrorists in mind. Sadly, we were forced to give it up to the (im)proper authorities shortly after we tested in an open field. It was a scarring day. When we were three years old, we successfully discovered the cure for cancer. We just haven’t shown it to anyone; we don’t feel the need is quite big enough yet. And just a few days ago, we both scored a boggling 213 on an IQ test, this time without cheating! We’re just as disappointed as you are, because although the average score on an IQ test is 100-115, we Tubbos demand perfection. We can’t settle for being 4 times smarter than the average dope, nor even 5 times… We should be 10 times smarter at least! We feel stupid now.
Einstein received an approximate 160 on his IQ test. Thinking about that just makes us feel worse.
Now, looking back on these small accomplishments might make a normal person feel depressed or unsatisfied. You, faithful reader, may even think this is our good-bye to the world, our “suicide-note”, per se. Not true! In fact, it’s quite the opposite! We’re completely satisfied with our life and accomplishments, small and worthless as they are. How can we be satisfied with such hollow achievements? Why don’t we try harder to accomplish something meaningful, or at least take the “easy way out of it”? Because. We are lazy.
We’re two of the laziest people you won’t meet. We’re so lazy, sometimes we won’t even type out lazy. We’ll just type “lzy” because the “a” key is all the way on the other side of the keyboard and reaching for it is harder than completing three consecutive triathlons with our legs tapped together with ducktap, gagged with itchy styrofoam, and with two “Kick Me!” signs glued to our backs in a field of soccer players wearing iron cleats (although, now that we think about it, that would be slightly difficult too). We have absolutely no work ethic at all, unless it’s for doing something of little-to-no relevance in the real world; we may spend hours learning to properly perform expert level yo-yo tricks, but we’ll only spend about five minutes working on a report that determines whether or not we’ll graduate into Kindergarden. And all because we’re lazy.
By way of example, a student works semi-hard on a research paper and receives a “B+” on it. He knows in his heart that if he’d just put a bit more effort into it, he would’ve be able to get an “A-“. At this point, most people (including the nerdy unnamed student) would resolve to try harder next time. Not us, though. If we received a “B+”, we’d resolve to try less hard, aiming for the “C+” – “B-” range. We worked as hard as we could (well, not really, but at least we kinda/sorta finished the assignment in a half-assed sort of way), and all the thanks we get is a crappy “B+”?! We should get an “A” just for completing the assignment! We could strain ourselves, trying for something as intangible as that. What ever happened to participation grades? We want to go back to Preschool.
Trying is always the first step towards failing. You can’t fail if you never try. And what’s the point of trying something if you know you won’t succeed? Work ethic is just a fancy word for something far less classy: we call it “sucker-tude”. People who score high on the sucker-tude scale are called “suckers”, or people who are easily tricked and talked into things. People who score low on said scale are called “sensible-minded humans”. Very few people score low on our scale. People think that if they work hard enough for “the Man”, he’ll eventually smile down on them and give them an “A”/a promotion/a favor. News flash: it isn’t ever gonna happen. Run over the dude’s child one time and pay for it the rest of your life! You can work hard all your life and you’ll never get any thanks from anyone. Loyalty, intelligence, and useful skills (even mad skills) mean nothing in the real world; it’s all about how much butt you kiss. Got yourself a bachelors degree? Great, now stuff it back up your butt because no one cares. You can be as lazy as you want as long as your boss likes you. So why try? That’s why we’ve decided to be lazy! It doesn’t make a difference to anyone who matters (“the Man”), and you’re a happier person for it. Don’t believe us? Try it for yourself. On Monday, try extra hard to let things effect you. Be ultra-sensitive about everything, and care about things you normally wouldn’t. Keep it up for the rest of the day, then when you go to bed, see if you feel better or worse about the world. Then, on Tuesday, be overly lackadaisical. Look at things you’d normally care about and laugh. No one cares about it, neither do you! Keep it up for the rest of the day, then when you go to bed, see if you feel better or worse about the world than you did yesterday. You’ll see; laziness pays off.
The trick is to be as lazy as possible. Get as little work done as you can while keeping up the illusion that you’re a hard-worker (yeah, right). You need to know just how little work you can do before someone catches on, then play that knowledge to your advantage. If you don’t work hard enough, someone will discover the truth of your laziness and you’ll either be fired the hell out of your job, or fired out of your school with actual flames, assuming you attend a Catholic academy. Both inevitably lead to more work, something we’re trying to avoid. On the other hand, if you work too hard, you’ll be doing more than you need to . . . you’ll be dubbed an overachiever, something just as bad as being dubbed Mud in the world of laziness. Plus, doing more work than necessary? That destroys the point of trying to be lazy in the first place. Idiot.
If all goes well in these early stages of lazy, you’ll be a High School dropout living off Uncle Sucker (like uncle, like nephew? Psh.), drinking cheap beer and watching “People’s Court” all day, something most lazy people, including us, dream about. It gives us all something to look forward to.
Often times, you can spot a lazy person early in life; they can be lazy before they’re even old enough to know what the word means. Here is a conversation we once had with our consoler, which happened at age two (right after the nuclear car incident; coincidence?):
Consoler: …And what do you want to be when you grow up, Tubbo? A firefighter?
Consoler: An astronaut?
Consoler: Well, what then?
Tubbo: When I grow up, I want to be nothing at all!
At this point, the consoler labeled us “incurable” and we haven’t seen him since.
Another thing many lazy people dream about is dreaming. Day-dreaming, sleeping, whatever, it’s all good. Sleeping and daydreaming are two of the laziest things you can do, because it’s basically doing nothing. Your heart slows, your body stays in one place for hours on end, and your mind stops working (unless you’re having a dream, which sucks, because having a dream while sleeping is like working when you’re not working. It’s as bad as bring paper work along with you on your vacation to Jamaica; do that, and you know you’re doomed to live out your life as a high-ranking sucker, as well as a lifeless tool). That’s why most lazy people try to spend as much time as they can sleeping, even if it isn’t nighttime. Mid-day rocks are the awesome! Sleeping, in general, is one of the best things ever, second only to making small children cry. If you’re married, skip sex and go straight to sleep at tonight; your husband/wife will respect your dedication to laziness.
We were gonna write a few more paragraphs for this article, but then we decided we were too lazy and have decided to stop here.