A few days ago, we decided to abandon our previous boycotts of Amazon, eBay, and all other online stores, which was originally spurred by all online stores sucking so badly. When Amazon was first invented, we knew how horrible it was gonna be, and we were right; it totally sucks. We told all our neighbor’s, “don’t use Amazon! It’s the work of the Devil! And not a cool work of the Devil like bombs or torture devices, but an evil work of the Devil, like television and tapioca pudding!” but no one listened to us. They kept using Amazon, and you know what? It’s taken over. Everyone’s a brainwashed moron incapable of thought, and although that doesn’t sound too different than days before Amazon, it’s gotten worse. Nobody goes out of their homes anymore because they can get what they need from Amazon at a lower price. On the surface, Amazon sounds pretty good, right? Cheap prices, connivence; who could argue against those things? . . . We could, because when you look into the CEO of Amazon (click here for image of true boss behind Amazon, opens new window) and the corporation as a whole, you’ll see the true evil suckiness of it all. So if you want to sell your soul to the entire Amazon crew for some shanty merchandise, fine, go ahead, but we prefer to take our chances outdoors in the real world. You are all mindless tools for using it. Screw you Amazon, and screw you Amazon users! Now excuse us while we order two dozen flat-screen TVs off some seller on Amazon.
Yep, that’s right, after months of rallying against Amazon, we broke down. Which kinda makes all of the above BS. Our greed for material things overcame our hate for Amazon, and we ordered a buttload of TVs that we didn’t need off Amazon. As you can see, the brainwashing got to us for a few minutes. That’s okay though, because rallying was boring. If people are gonna support evil, we might as well too, seeing as we’re likely more evil than any of them. We ordered two dozen TVs, and we aren’t ashamed to admit it. They’ll probably sit in the garage forever because we already have too many TVs in the house, but we don’t care! We have more money than we know can spend, but what else can we do? Give it to the needy? Haha! We’ll be damned if we give it to the poor! It’s their fault they don’t have money to spend on frivolous items such as food and shelter (or even the necessities like TVs and computers), and helping them only justifies their poorness. So, in a way, we’re helping poor hobos when we write checks to them that bounce because we don’t have money in our banking account (we withdraw all the money before we write the checks). Get their hopes up, then knock them down, that’s what we say.
So instead of wasting money on people who truly need it (get your own money, freaky hobo), we ordered a bunch of TVs off Amazon. We got an email notice from Amazon (we love getting mail from those “firstname.lastname@example.org” so we can reply to them, usually asking why we shouldn’t reply) saying that they should be shipped and at our house no later than the 15th of July. Now we know better, those lying, thieving bastards. We waited for (near) weeks, hoping and praying that our TVs would ship soon. The 15th came and went without any sign of our TVs. We got really depressed, and started wearing black clothing instead of our favorite colour, brown. Then we started having tantrums and crying a lot, but it was all for attention, just like any average “emo.” They aren’t depressed, they just want attention because they’re Amazon order didn’t come on time. Amazon is obviously to blame for human misery, although emos probably have something to do with it too. If you ever see someone like that, kick them in the shins and give them a broken nose for us.
It was the 17th, and there was still no sign of our TVs. We had starting formulating a plan to get back at Amazon for getting our hopes up and knocking us down (how could someone be so evil?), most of the plan involving nuclear fusion, when out our window, we saw what seemed to be a flicker of light at the end of a dark, hopeless tunnel; a Fed Ex truck that seemed to be turning onto our street! “How droll, dearest Dubba Tubba! An automobile, and it seems to be abutting into our proximity!” were Tubbo’s exact words. Sorta. But it was coming closer, and there wasn’t a doubt in either of our minds that we’d be redeemed with TVs any second. Closer . . . Closer . . . Closer still. And then the Fed Ex truck stopped right in front of our house! We got our Thank-You card ready for the delivery man (inside was a $100,000,000 check, because we had drained our account a few days ago), and watched from the window as the delivery man got out, went to the back of his truck, and came back carrying a single, tiny package. He walked toward our house, then turned around and walked away from us to our neighbors. The very same neighbors who we explicitly told not to use Amazon. They didn’t listen to us; why didn’t they listen to us? And now they get their order first! Dammit! What is that? Who the hell is in charge of Amazon?! We know for damn certain that we ordered our TV before they ordered whatever the hell they ordered (doesn’t matter what it is because it isn’t a TV), and we know that because of spy-wear we hooked up they’re computer. So what is Amazon’s excuse? Nothing! Crap! Crap! CRAP!
Then the Fed Ex guy got back into his truck and revved the engine a few times, making fun of our despair no doubt. That pissed us off, so we dashed out of the house leaving the Thank-You card behind; the only thing this guy was getting was a mouthful of hippo fart.
But the trucker was already going 70MPH, in a 20MPH school area no less; he hit three kids and a dude in a wheelchair. We had no chance of catching him. We leaped for the truck, only to tumble into our neighbor’s (the loser neighbors who got their order before us for reasons we don’t know) front lawn. We caught a glimpse of the Fed Ex truck, which seemed to be on fire as demons laughed and Satan gave the Fed Ex dude a thumbs up. Then we saw the neighbors; they were the oldest people we’ve ever saw. Seriously, they had wrinkles on their wrinkles, and their dentures had cavities. Together, the couple opened their little package. Unwrapped, we saw what they had ordered; a little musical box. They wound it up, and it played a little song, and the old couple starting crying. We thought they wanted attention or something, but they weren’t wearing black. Seeing that “beautiful” scene made us angrier then we’ve been for a long time (like, in two days). Amazon and an old couple thinks a little musical box, regardless of sentimental value, is more important than 24 TVs? We could blame Amazon for it, but we choose to blame the old people. Old people are the crappiest animals in the world, more so than buffalos (we hate buffalos). They aren’t real people; mere beasts, although they don’t deserve to be compared to hippos. Old people deserve to be shipped by a Fed Ex truck to some desert island. They uselessly leech of society with their little social-security checks until the day they die (which is why sometimes we speed the process up), and require more time and energy than Sarah Palin does using the bathroom. We hate every last one of them! Get rid of them! If they want their crap off Amazon before us, fine, but it’ll cost them more than they intended. Which is why we went over and grabbed the music box out of the old wife’s hand. We set it on the ground, and then we sat on it. We heard the crinkle of glass, and the song stopped. Then we went over to the old people, by now they were crying real tears, and we spat in their face. Then we went home.
We still haven’t gotten our TVs yet. Someone out there hates us. We can’t imagine why.