The other day, we were stripped from our favorite video game, stuffed inside a car obviously not designed to fit two hippos and a grown adult, and taken on a four hour trip to people we’ve never seen before in our entire life. Were we being abducted and held for ransom? No! It was much worse than that! Getting kidnapped would seem like a paradisal wonderland equal to that of McDonald’s Play Place compared to the horrors we were in for; we were being taken to a Family Reunion.
Because of Father’s Day last weekend, we’re sure a lot of our fans had to undergo something similar to a family reunion (at least the fans not totally alone in the world; hands up, how many of you consider us your reason for existence?). You know, those craptacular things where you’re “re”introduced to some long lost relative? “Look Tubbo, there’s uncle Sherman! Remember him?” “Hey Tubbo, come here a meet your aunt Helga!” “Tubbo, it’s cousin Jeff! He’s been lost at sea for 25 years!” We don’t care! We don’t know any of them! In our mind, they aren’t even family! If they didn’t bother contacting us for so many years (not even “cousin Jeff” has an excuse; he could’ve sent us a message in a bottle on Halloween and New Years), they hold absolutely no significance to us. We don’t really “hate” them; we’re more indifferent. Thinking about it, our life HAD been better without them in it, but we can’t help but feel a deep dislike in the bottom of our hearts every time our eyes meet with one of our so-called “relatives”, likely caused by so many Birthdays we went through without so much as a check from any of them. No money or toys on Birthdays or Christmas, no-shows on every sporting events we’ve ever participated in (four), not even acknowledgment that we are alive for years at a time, and they still want us to treat them with love and respect? Cretins!
Luckily, we came prepared to THIS family reunion. Before being dragged into our poorly-designed car, we both grabbed our iPod Touches. On arrival, we managed to secure a thankfully unoccupied bathroom in our Grandpa’s house where the family reunion took place, and stayed there piggybacking off the neighboor’s Internet connection for the entire thing. Sure, the police showed up because everyone thought we really HAD been abducted (uncle Mary has a thing for little hippos), but it saved us hours of excruciatingly painful socializing with the lowlifes we have for family. It’s funny, but they all talk about the same things: how they’ve missed us so much(we know that everyone wants to be around us, but it’s their fault for not visiting), how we need to get together more often (nope, too late, you had your chance), and how much we’ve grown (no we haven’t, we’re as short and stout as ever, quit lying to our face, ho)… It’s like talking to hundreds of pointlessly created clones of the same guy who was boring in the first place over and over and over. Then, after the relative decides they’ve “broken the ice” with us, like a 10 minute conversation can make up for 5 years of lost time, they go back to talking with another adult. It seems like adults can’t bear a child’s ramblings for more than a few minutes at a time. What we don’t get, however, is how an adult’s conversation to a child, as boring as it usually is, is about twice as interesting as two average adult’s conversation. THAT is something we dread hearing: “Oh man, I hate my job,”, “I saw a real hottie today… through my binoculars,”, and “I’ve got a ton o’ paper work to do,” are about the most exiting ones we’ve heard. Yet, they seem to prefer that as opposed to listening to our plans on world domination. Their loss.
Whenever we see “happy” families walking down the street, we pray horrible things happen to them.
We hate our family, we hate adults, but mostly we hate our family. We say that if it takes an entire carefully planned “party” to bring members of the same family together, said family members probably shouldn’t be together, visiting, in the first place. Somewhere along the line of hundreds of Grey’s (family name) this reunion had to get the “okay” from, someone should have said, “Wait; this reunion is an awful idea. I hate all these people, so why would I want to reunite with them?” If it had to get the okay from us, that’s EXACTLY what we said. Unfortunately, no one asked for our opinion, so the reunion was okayed, which is why we’re writing about it now. God, family reunions suck.
Next time we’re invited to a family reunion, we’re not-so-pleasantly declining. For better or for worse, the next family reunion likely won’t take place for another hundred years or so (wait, that’s what got us so angry in the first place!), but if it ever does roll around when we’re still breathing (although you shouldn’t be surprised if we stop breathing because of a reunion), we’re putting a stop to it. In our opinion, no one on this planet, except maybe Tom Cruise or Kenny G, should have to go through a family reunion. If we didn’t have our iPod Touches, we probably wouldn’t be here right now, and although many of you are cursing Macintosh for creating iPods at this very minute, remember: no one would deserve such a horrible fate. Family reunions are evil. Family reunions suck hard.