Monthly Archives: May 2009

New studies show it IS possible to Suck and Blow simultaneously.

Recent studies conducted by trusted medical officials (us) reveal it IS possible to suck and to blow at the same time, despite common belief.  Below is a constructive analysis of an anatomical person sucking and blowing at the same time.

As you can see, it is very possible (and in some cases, simple) to blow and suck at the same time.  We had another pictured made that we would’ve liked to use, that one a bit more (in the words of the International Protection of Youth) “graphic”, but we decided we’d rather not make our site available solely to those above the age of 18…

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The best Video Game ever created.

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You may not know it (say, those of you who live under rocks), but we Tubbos are quite succesful business men.  At the tender age of four, we already own multiple companies, most of them designed to help us take over the world.  We also have a a software company (which takes control of smaller countries in it’s spare time…  No, this isn’t Apple.) called Future Youth Organization Unicorns (known as F – Y.O.U. for short), doubling as a little-known game development corporation.  Recently, we’ve been working on a video game through the studio which we are quite proud of, and would like to share with you.

Code-named “The Best Video Game Ever Created” (actually, that name is pretty catchy.  We may keep it.) and concept cover pictured to the left, the game has been under constant development since some time last year.  We’ve personally supervised the designing, and have written the story-line without anyone’s help.  As a special treat, we’ve decided to shed a bit more light on this sure-to-go-platinum title.  Of course, the Media has been curious about this title for some time; we’ve had workers from popular gaming magazines such as Nintendo Power and the Official X-Box Magazine (basically everyone except for Sony…  Figures.) come to F – Y.O.U. studios, asking questions about the game.  We’ve denied all of them any information on the Best Video Game Ever Created because we wanted you guys, the fans, to be the first to know about this wonderful game.  Firstly, we’ll answer some questions we know you guys have.  Then, we’ll share a few screenshots of the game.

Q. What the heck IS this game?

A. The game, The Best Video Game Ever Created (title pending…maybe), is part “party game” and part “side-scroller”.  It’s a bit of a parody game, where anti-heros Tubbo & Dubba Tubba (us!  We’re starring in our own game!) go through popular video game worlds, destroying everything in their path.  They’ll pay Mario (of Super Mario World) a visit, they’ll enter the World of Halo, they’ll go through dungeons in Legend of Zelda, and even screw up a game of Guitar Hero where people almost (and almost certainly would have) beat Dragonforce on expert.  And that’s just for starters!

They’ll bash both the good guys and the bad guys of these levels.  We suppose you could call it a non-lame version of Super Smash Bros. Brawl with more violence and blood, except you only use characters Tubbo and/or Dubba Tubba.  Of course, when you’ve got us, who needs other characters?

Q. What system(s) will this game be for?

A. We were initially going to have it made for all three major systems (Nintendo Wii, X-Box 360, and Playstation 3), but then remembered how much we hate Sony because of it’s tendencies to fail at everything (and to, pardon our honesty, suck monkey balls).  So, it will be released on Wii and 360.

Q. Do you guys already have a story worked out?  If so, what is it?

A. Actually, yes we do (although keep in mind that this is merely a concept, and we’re still tweaking it).  We were at an arcade, right?  We were playing some crappy video game…  Let’s say Pac Man.  We were playing Pac Man, and owning it as usual.  The only problem, was we were playing too well. The game couldn’t handle the awesomness, glitched out, and sucked both of us into the world of the video games.

The first level is, obviously, the world of the Pac Man.  After beating Pac Man and all the ghosts to death (thus beating the first level), we, Tubbo & Dubba Tubba, learn from the ultimate gamer, Chuck Norris, that to escape the world of the video games, we must beat ten more levels.  Each level will be a different popular game world where we can wreck havoc.  The quest to escape the world of the video games is on!

Q.  What will this game be rated?

A.  The game will be rated “M” (Mature – 17 year olds and up) by ESRB, no question about it.  The sales will just be better that way; it’ll be sold to ten year olds, thinking they’re grown ups because they bought a game that will warp their outlook on life…  We’ve said it before, but taking advantage of impressionable kids has GOT to be the reason we’re on this Earth.

As for the rating, yes, it’s defitintly a rated “M” game.  Rated “M” for intense violence (if you consider beheadings and mass slaughters “violent”), blood and gore (at one point in the game, you drown a certain hated Sega character, COUGH-Sonic the Hedgehog-COUGH, in his own blood), strong language (in this game, Link from Legend of Zelda goes to his grave cussing words most adults have never heard), crude humor (a guy gets his heart knifed out, at which point a laughing track plays), and graphic sexual content (ever seen hippos mate?  It ain’t pretty).

If, by some horrible stroke of misunderstanding, an ESRB reviewer loses his mind and decides that our game is tame enough to receive a “T” rating, we’ll just add more violence and language until it receives an “M” rating.  We suppose an “AO” (adults only) rating would be alright too.

A. Awesome!  When will this game be released.

Q. That we aren’t sure off.  Not even approximate realease dates have been set yet.  We’re thinking sometime mid-2010, but nothing is near certain.

Well, we think that covers all the obvious questions.  We told you earlier that we’d share a few screenshots of the game in progress, and although we’ve been known to (constantly) lie just to piss people off, we’ll hold to our agreements.  These screenshots were taken from the 2nd level, the Super Mario World.Picture 7Tubbo, going from normal hippo form into “pixel” form.  Tubbo will stay like that for the remainder of the Mario level.  Note that the following screenshots will showcase “pixelated” Tubbo, meaning that if Tubbo looks blocky or blurred, it’s supposed to be that way.

Tubbo jumping, going after that weird football dude and after Mario.  This is how Mario meets his bloody end.  Next on the cutting board:  Luigi.  Man, we’ve always hate Luigi.  Seriously, did anyone actually like him?  He’s just a lamer version of Mario with an even worse mustache (if that’s even possible).

Anyway, this screenshot was taken after Tubbo ate one a mushroom (in this game, mushrooms not only supersize characters, but they make them dazed and tired, just like in real life.  We have other power-ups too- besides mushrooms, we have pills, beer, and patches).  We don’t know why Nintendo won’t go out and tell the world the truth; Mario is a druggy.

Tubbo on black bulletTubbo riding on top of a Bullet-Bill in order to incenerate Mario.  This isn’t going to end well.

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This is the last part of the 2nd level.  In this part, Tubbo teams up with Bowser to take down Mario.  After killing Mario (obviously Mario has no chance of beating two of the worlds best villians), Tubbo betrays Bowser, sending both Mario and Bowser to their graves.  Having completely ruined the world of Mario, Tubbo moves on to the next world to wreck his horror.

Well, that’s all the details we’re willing to divulge about this game.  Now that we have you all drooling for this amazing game (see why we named it the Best Game Ever Created?), you’ll have to wait at least a year before it comes out!  Be ready to have your face rocked off sometime next year for the low, low price of $100.00 (because, we figure it’s twice as good as other games currently on the market, so why not charge that much?).

 

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“Weird Al” Yankovic, you have our thanks.

We were listening to a few of Weird Al’s songs the other day, stealing one every so often off the world’s greatest invention, LimeWire, when we came to a song titled “Don’t Download this Song”, with anti-piracy lyrics.  “Oh, you don’t wanna mess with the R-I-A-A/ They’ll sue you if you burn that CD-R”.  Oh, take that, music thieves!  Weird Al will SUE you!  Scary!  So we did what we always do when someone tells us not to do something; we did it.  And look; no law suits yet!

We listened to the song a few times, thought it was alright, and were preparing to to burn ten or twenty CDs to sell on the street corner for 90 cents (you know, undercut the iTunes Store price by 9 cents) . . . When we heard the windows shatter!  Men in black suits and bowties leapt through the empty frame, pulled out pieces of paper, and there they were; Tubbo & Dubba Tubba Grey arrest warrants.  Charges:  Music Piracy.  Fine:  $100,000,000.

No.  No, that didn’t happen, and it will never happen.  And you know why?  Because nobody cares about music piracy (or the law in general) except that weird Lars guy from Metallica, the un-corrupt cops (as if they exist nowadays), and all the uptight soccer moms who are way too involved with their kids (those are the same parents who end up installing cameras in their kid’s bedrooms, get arrested, and send the kid off to shock therapy when he turns out to be a nutcase).  Steal whatever the hell!  Steal songs!  Steal TVs!  Steal cars!  Have fun!  You only live once, right?  Actually, we’d like to wager that not only could you burn two thousand albums without anyone noticing, you could burn down the local school/convenient store/church (you must be at least twelve years of age), nobody would care, and you’d get off scot free.  Go out, try it, and let us know.  Hurry!  Any minute you don’t using committing arsons is a minute wasted.  Actually, that reminds us of the time some weirdo emailed us saying we were a “bad influence”.  When we give you, the public, her email address, send her some swear-filled hatemail saying we’re the best damn influences ever.  Hell, damn, fart; swearing (and drugs) is cool and “sophisticated”, kids!

Now, assuming the idiots are off setting fires, we’ll get back to the article.  We flipped through Weird Al Yankovic’s iTunes catalogue, and came to an interesting album cover:

Now, we may have this completely wrong, but to us it looks as if this nerdy, horribly aged man is naked on this cover, swimming towards a doughnut.  Why would anyone do this?  It’s scarring!  More scarring than that the nude photo of Sarah Palin we posted a couple of weeks back (which WordPress removed.  Thanks WordPress!  Everyone hates you!) We came close to scooping our eyes out with an ice-cream spoon that happened to be sitting on the table after witnessing this abomination.

Now, obviously this is a parody of the awesome 90’s grunge band Nirvana.  Now, keeping that in mind, it could have been a LOT worse.  If aren’t familiar with Nirvana, or their infamous Nevermind cover, look below: 

We can already here those emails coming, so we’ll answer them here:  Yes, this is Soviet Russia.  We partake in censorship here at the Tubbo Website, and we’ll keep the truth from you for as long as we can.  Protesters will be shot.

Not really though (we do support anarchism, however).  If it was about protecting the little kids who visit this site, we’d post the most disturbing image we could find, but it’s not like that.  We just don’t wanna stare at an infants dick every time we visit this article.  So for the sake of our eyes, we “censored” the picture.  If you’re curious, or if you’re just…  Uh, into that kind of thing (we won’t judge you…), you can click here for the unedited picture (new window).  Please tell us you didn’t clink that link.

Which brings us back to Weird Al’s oh-so-controversial album cover.  In our opinion, at least judging by Nirvana’s album cover, Weird Al could’ve made his cover a LOT worse.  If you know what we mean.

So for that, we thank Weird Al Yankovic.  Because of his good judgment (or lack of just that), our eyes are still in our head rather than rolling around the floor, gouged out by an ice-cream scooper.  We are forever in your debt, Weird Al.  Now, back to LimeWire to…  Err, “borrow” a few of Mr. Yankovic’s songs…

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Something Deep.

A stupid man who tried to be wise by asking questions thought to be “deep” once asked “if a tree falls in a forest while no one is there, does it make noise”?  Meaning, how can sound exist if no one is there to hear it?

It may sound deep before you think about it, but it really isn’t.  One side of the argument (we like to call it the “Liberal” side) likes to say that noise can’t exist without someone being there to hear it.  How can anyone prove it exists if no one is there to hear?  Simply put, they can’t.  At this, most Liberal’s conclude by saying “check and mate”.

The other side of the argument (one we like to call the “Conservative” side, otherwise known as the “correct” side) says that noise is noise, whether some idiot is there to witness it or not.  How can noise not exist?  Even though no one is there to hear it, it’s still there.  That’s like saying “if a fire burns down a building while no one is there, did the fire actually happen?”.  Thinking time!  Put on your thinking caps, everybody.  OF COURSE THE FIRE HAPPENED!  Why wouldn’t it?  Why does it matter if anyone was there or not?  Who came up with this question?  The only proof of the fire taking place are the scorched remains of the building!  And the same goes for the whole tree in the forest thing.  It matters not whether anyone hears the falling of the tree- it came down, no one heard it or cared about it, the end.

Tubbos: 1  Rhetorical Questions: 0

But we say who gives a crap either way–  SCHOOL’S ALMOST OUT, SUCKERS!

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