In our Kindergarten class, most of our teachers are alright. Not really “nice”, but then again, not exactly “mean”. But there is this one teacher, Ms. Albarect (pronounced all – break) whose the worst teacher imaginable! She’s horrible! What’s makes her such a terrible a teacher, you ask? She’s too nice. Creepy nice.
If we were Math teachers (something we will never likely be because we’ll be too busy ruling the world… or because we’ll trapped inside a prison cell somewhere) we’d be the meanest of the mean. Oh man, we’d torture those little snot-nosed brats! Sometimes when we’re bored, we just sit around thinking up new ways of being mean. Ways that were long forgotten over the years. We’ve had some nasty ideas. Firstly, we have this idea for a prototype. It’s still in development, but so far so good. We’re thinking about naming it the “Thumbscrew”…
But we doubt that would be allowed in schools (well, maybe in private schools. It’d probably be passed off as justified punishment). But for everywhere else, we have plenty of humane ideas. One of them, we call the Divide and Conquer. We’d be horribly cruel to certain handpicked kids, mostly the ugly or unpopular kids, and be perfectly nice to the rest. If an “ugly” kid answered a question wrong, we’d just smash his head into his desk, whereas if a “normal” kid answered a question wrong, we’d give him a candy and tell him, “Just try better next time.” That way, the kids would likely hate each other, and fight amongst themselves. If we were mean to all of them, they’d hate us. This method takes care of that would-be problem.
Of course, we’d give the children homework everyday, but homework just isn’t enough for mean teachers like us. We’d write the homework on the board in the form of math problems, so the kids wouldn’t even be sure they’re doing the correct problems! It would look like this:
Hey, losers! Tonight, do problems “1 through 50 + (-100) – 200 squared + 1/2 * 5” on page “100 – 2 * 7 + (-9/9)” for homework.
Then, if any of the kids did the wrong problems (which we suspect would happen often), we’d mark their homework as “missing” and fail them! They’d try and try to catch up with the class, but wouldn’t be able to because they keep doing the wrong assignments! Sometimes, we’d change the problems around after we assigned them just to mess with everyone’s mind.
During Lunch Time, we’d make any kids with a grade lower than an “A” (meaning anything less than 95% out of 100%) stay after class. We’d force them to do pointless busy work like sort books or write sentences over and over (like “I wil try to b less stoopid”) that wouldn’t benefit their math skills at all. They’d miss Lunch everyday and become malnourished (we wouldn’t allow them to eat in our classroom), making them perform even worse in math! We’d give them extra homework every night too, so much that they won’t be able to get enough sleep at night! They’d be coming to school exhausted everyday! Hahahahaha!
Of course, if one of them ever threatened to tell his parents about our “strict” way of teaching, we’d just tell him that if he does tell his parents, he’d come home from school one day (tired and hungry, as usual) and find his house burned to the ground, and his friends and family murdered. By the time anyone found out what happened, we’d be on our way to China. That should keep the 1st Grader’s mouths shut, don’t you think?
We’d be the best math teachers ever.