Monthly Archives: April 2009

Note to Self.

Note: This post was made by Tubbo, not Dubba Tubba.

I (Tubbo) was sneaking around the house while Dubba Tubba wasn’t home (probably off extorting money from smaller kids or something), when I came across Dubba Tubba’s iPod Touch, something Dubba Tubba had probably extorted from the same kids he was threatening today.  Dubba Tubba took great pride in his stolen iPod Touch, which made me want to break it, but I decided to go through his private information first.  I looked in his photos (and found pictures of bombs and a few blueprints), his videos (found tutorials on making homemade bombs), his music (found songs by a popular rock group called the Bombers), and his Internet history (found FAQ’s on bombs.  …And the Fuzzy Bunny homepage), but I didn’t find anything “interesting” until I reached his “Notes” app.

As you probably already know, both Dubba Tubba and I have bad memories (I blame the “Brick Incident”), so there were obviously a lot of notes Dubba Tubba made.  Phone numbers, important dates, and kids he had promised to beat up were all some of the notes Dubba Tubba made to himself.  But I found a particular note I found interesting and would like to share with everyone.  Enjoy:

As soon as I finished reading that, I noticed a small slimy speck of something on the iPod screen.  I looked down and…  AHHHH!!!


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If We Were Math Teachers…

In our Kindergarten class, most of our teachers are alright.  Not really “nice”, but then again, not exactly “mean”.  But there is this one teacher, Ms. Albarect (pronounced all – break) whose the worst teacher imaginable!  She’s horrible!  What’s makes her such a terrible a teacher, you ask?  She’s too nice.  Creepy nice.  

If we were Math teachers (something we will never likely be because we’ll be too busy ruling the world…  or because we’ll trapped inside a prison cell somewhere) we’d be the meanest of the mean.  Oh man, we’d torture those little snot-nosed brats!  Sometimes when we’re bored, we just sit around thinking up new ways of being mean.  Ways that were long forgotten over the years.  We’ve had some nasty ideas.  Firstly, we have this idea for a prototype.  It’s still in development, but so far so good.  We’re thinking about naming it the “Thumbscrew”…

But we doubt that would be allowed in schools (well, maybe in private schools.  It’d probably be passed off as justified punishment).  But for everywhere else, we have plenty of humane ideas.  One of them, we call the Divide and Conquer.  We’d be horribly cruel to certain handpicked kids, mostly the ugly or unpopular kids, and be perfectly nice to the rest.  If an “ugly” kid answered a question wrong, we’d just smash his head into his desk, whereas if a “normal” kid answered a question wrong, we’d give him a candy and tell him, “Just try better next time.”  That way, the kids would likely hate each other, and fight amongst themselves.  If we were mean to all of them, they’d hate us.  This method takes care of that would-be problem.

Of course, we’d give the children homework everyday, but homework just isn’t enough for mean teachers like us.  We’d write the homework on the board in the form of math problems, so the kids wouldn’t even be sure they’re doing the correct problems!  It would look like this:

Hey, losers!  Tonight, do problems “1 through 50 + (-100) – 200 squared + 1/2 * 5” on page “100 – 2 * 7  + (-9/9)” for homework.

Then, if any of the kids did the wrong problems (which we suspect would happen often), we’d mark their homework as “missing” and fail them!  They’d try and try to catch up with the class, but wouldn’t be able to because they keep doing the wrong assignments!  Sometimes, we’d change the problems around after we assigned them just to mess with everyone’s mind.

During Lunch Time, we’d make any kids with a grade lower than an “A” (meaning anything less than 95% out of 100%) stay after class.  We’d force them to do pointless busy work like sort books or write sentences over and over (like “I wil try to b less stoopid”) that wouldn’t benefit their math skills at all.  They’d miss Lunch everyday and become malnourished (we wouldn’t allow them to eat in our classroom), making them perform even worse in math!  We’d give them extra homework every night too, so much that they won’t be able to get enough sleep at night!  They’d be coming to school exhausted everyday!  Hahahahaha!

Of course, if one of them ever threatened to tell his parents about our “strict” way of teaching, we’d just tell him that if he does tell his parents, he’d come home from school one day (tired and hungry, as usual) and find his house burned to the ground, and his friends and family murdered.  By the time anyone found out what happened, we’d be on our way to China.  That should keep the 1st Grader’s mouths shut, don’t you think?

We’d be the best math teachers ever.


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The article we were gonna write (but forgot).

We were sitting around our 40-acre backyard, reading a very enticing book (Deadly Uses for Everyday Objects by J.K. Howling.  We recommend picking up a copy as soon as possible), when we had this amazing idea for a Tubbo article.  Oh man, it was awesome!  We had ideas for multiple pictures, several full paragraphs, and possibly even a new video to go with the post!  It would have been the greatest article known to hippos (and maybe man, unless you count those charming strip-joint reviews)!  However, just as we were walking over to the house so we could sketch out the idea for the article (we take our articles very seriously- most go through three rewrites before we are satisfied), we were overcome by a wave of sleepiness.  We knew that if we didn’t get out of the hot sun, we’d fall into a deep, and likely eternal, sleep!  Would we make it? 

Nope.  Although it turned out not to be eternal, and we didn’t have to get kissed by some creepy stalker/prince to be awakened, we had fallen asleep.  And when we woke up, we couldn’t remember anything about the amazing Tubbo post except the title.  It would’ve been called something like “Whacko Jacko and Mr. Bulldog’s Awesome Bone”.  Brr.  Just the name gives us shivers.

So, because of our laziness and inability to get to bed before 3:00 A.M., you’ll never read about Whacko Jacko, or how he managed to steal an awesome bone.  Instead, you got this crappy post and the fact that’ll you’ll never read the best post in the world rubbed in your ugly face.

We did remember what Whacko Jacko looked like though, so here’s a picture we spent about 10 seconds making.  Gosh, it would have been such a great post…


It has a body and mind of its own, but Whacko Jacko needs your soul.

Drooling for more whackiness?  Well tough crap, because that’s all you get.  You have our awful memory and your horrible upbringing to thank.  Next time, maybe you’ll pray harder that we don’t forget about articles we should be writing.

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Am I sexy?

Hey, I (Tubbo, not Dubba Tubba) was just wondering if I was am sexy (even though I already know the answer).  I have included a picture (see below), and you all can judge me on a rating of one to ten.  Please rank according to looks, weight, and just general sexiness.  Please pay no attention to the fact that while I am an extremely (some may say extraordinarily) beautiful person on the outside, I am actually a backstabbing, shallow person at heart, and would have been made ugly if there was any justice in the world.  It’s God’s fault, not mine.  I also have absolutely no personality, and giggle at crude and unfunny jokes, but hey!  I’m hot, right?

You can give feedback here, as long as it’s nice feedback.  Don’t give me any negative comments.  In fact, how about we just focus on the good points of my figure?  I don’t want any truth, just compliments.  And before you ask, NO, I am NOT fishing for praise, I just want honest opinions.  As long as they’re flattering.

Actually, how about I give you a list of things to say to me, just to make sure you don’t screw up like you usually do.  You can either say:

A.) I’m the hottest person alive -perfect ten.

B.) I’m amazingly sexy -perfect ten.

or C.) I have awesome boobs -perfect ten.


Documented from the thousands of questions we’ve seen on Yahoo! Answers almost IDENTICAL to the sarcastic article you just read.

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