We, Tubbo & Dubba Tubba, were having a friendly conversation with a school “buddy”, who, by coincidence, is now an enemy. We have so many close enemies, we don’t really need any friends. We’ve heard the saying “who needs enemies when you have best friends” and we’ll bet that you have too. Well, we say who needs friends when you’ve got enemies who hate you (as opposed to, obviously, enemies who love you)? Life is just a barrel of laughs when you’re surrounded by enemies who’d kill you if they had the chance! When you have friends, you have to worry about offending them every time you talk, but with enemies the whole point is to offend them and/or kick them in the shins! What’s more fun- worrying about your all-too-intrusive personality hurting someone’s feelings, or making fun of someone until they cry?
We were talking to one of our fellow classmates (we’ve decided that we’re gonna stop using the terms “friend” and “enemy” in this post, alright?). We were talking about an assortment of things including sports teams, video games, and fast-food stores, but we owned him on every topic. And when we say owned, we mean owned. We like to think of conversations as football games- it’s an intense sport, and you gotta win. If you wanna win, you gotta take control of the conversation. Grab your opponents idea and run the opposite way with them. The trick is to block out any ideas your opponent has, and replace them with your own. You gotta keep completing sentences. That’s the way you own ’em.
Anyway, we had finished owning our classmate on nearly every topic, so he had decided to shift the conversation death, which is the most creative thing he could think of. Yeah, you know. He’s one of those angst-ridden “emos”. We hate emos. Every time we see some who looks depressed on the street, we shout “life is great!” and punch them in the face. That’ll teach them to be depressed without our approval.
He started talking about his ideal death, which is actually a really happy-sunny-love topic by his standards (don’t ask to here about his “darkish” topics- our site would get banned in about 20 countries). He said that he’d like to die in his sleep, thinking quite foolishly that it would be the most peaceful death. We told him straight out that he was an idiot! Dying in your sleep has gotta be the most boring type of death ever! Why not have fun with your death? Who would wanna be asleep when the most exiting part of their pathetic life (ending it) happens? We told this boring-butt emo that if he started dying while asleep, we’d wake him up and shoot him in the face- THEN let him die in peace. We wanna send him off into the afterlife the right way, although we truly doubt he’ll need a “proper” send off where HE’S going.
“See you in hell,” we said.
“Yeah, I probably will”, emo-nerd said. The worst part is, he’s probably right. Hell will be hell with him in it.
Although any way of dying is better than dying in your sleep, our preferred death would be anything involving machine guns and nuclear bombs. We wanna go out with a (pun intended/not intended, depending on your views on puns) BANG! We want people to fall into a cold sweat every time they hear the names “Tubbo Grey & Dubba Tubba Grey”, remembering the horrific death we had.
We wanna go down with multiple explosions and guns ablaze! Apocalypse now, baby! We’d prefer an end-of-the-world scene when we finally snuff it, but a huge nuclear war, some sort of vampire attack, a massive forrest fire, or a zombie rebellion would work. Note: if you’d like to use these funeral ideas for a loved one, feel free. It’ll be a destructive day when we die!
We’ve heard families talking about dear old Gramps who had sadly passed away a few days previous. They always say lame things like “well, at least he died in his sleep”. You know what we do when we hear things like that (besides cringe)? We walk up to them and yell “yeah right, weirdoes! We hope he died awake, alone, and afraid!”, and often times we don’t even know the damn family. Families always hope that loved ones slowly drift away while unconscious, when in reality they should be hoping for the opposite. Talk about heartless wretches.
Finally, we’d like to answer a question that we’re sure has been bugging you all for some time, but is too much of a touché subject to bring up: What song would we like be played at our funeral hundreds (if not thousands) of years from now (that is, assuming we die- we’ve been under the impression that we’re immortal). We’ve thought long and hard upon it, and we’ve finally come to a decision. Now, most people would say something boring like a contemporary pop song, or some Christian rock ballad. SNORE. You know what’s more exiting than those songs? Dying in your sleep. Shivers. So we’ve decided upon the rockin’ Godly tune “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC. Fitting, isn’t it? We’re on the Highway to Hell…
R.W.P. (rest without peace) everyone.