The Internet has been bogged down by terrible, terrible things since the very beginning of it’s existence (God, technology sucks, doesn’t it?)- things like pop-ups, AIM Forums (shivers), viruses (although viruses can be cool when they are distributed by us) are just awful… But we know a secret worse than all of those put together. “Online dating.” Maybe you’ve heard of it?
Misused by lonely middle-aged women, emo teens, and the occasional 50+ year old stalker who lives in basements and attics, online dating was doomed from day one. The mass majority of users on dating services are fat, ugly high school losers! C’mon, get a life people! You know that even if you find someon willing to chat with someone like yourself, they’re either a creeper or even uglier than you, right? Why else would that chat with you? Pity? …Well, we guess that could be part of the reason, but even then it’s not likely that you’re actually talking with a “hottie.”
If you need a website’s help to find a partner (or even a friend), you don’t deserve one. Who could be such a loser that they feel the need to log on to an online dating website? When someone (let’s say your friend) decides it’s time to sell all their morals and starts dating online, they’d probably go as far as to chat with a scary person whom they understand is likely a psycho just to feel accepted. Likewise, when this happens, you know it’s time to put your “friend” out of his or her misery.
Dating websites have got to be the most desperate thing we’ve ever heard of! We wouldn’t take any of the multiple women whom we date seriously if they were (or had even been) part of an online dating website. Why would anyone ever want to use them? THEY MAKE US SO ANGRY!! We’re getting ourselves so worked up about this, we’re surprised we haven’t gone into convulsions yet! Oh wait; here they come. Ah… The doctor says we shouldn’t let ourselves get that angry because it isn’t healthy.
Of course, we can’t help getting angry over dating websites. Just the thought of those pathetic users thinking they’re gonna find true love on a crappy site like “Match”. Does anyone ever marry someone they met online? We can just hear the conversation now:
“I met my wife in High School!”
“I met my wife at a resteraunt downtown!”
“I met my wife online.”
Think about how much applause that guy would get! Meeting a butt-ugly (and likely a former hooker) sheman on a nice, sweet website (which he probably reached by clicking on a banner or a by getting a spam email). What do those people see in these websites? Websites like those just ask you for all your info, your credit card, and 1 trillion years of hard labor, and in return, they find your dream match. Sounds fair, right? But wait, we weren’t aware that our “dream match” was a wrinkly old woman with dyed-blonde hair smoking a cigarette. But hey, maybe we’re just being too picky, right? Right?
All that said, there is one good dating system that actually works. It’s pretty amazing, mostly because we designed it! No more worrying about creepers or gothic teens threatening to kill themselves over a break up (and spreading the news all over the site). That’s right folks, are you lonely? Are you hated by every man/woman in your town? Do you just wanna burn the entire hell-hole to the ground? If you answered yes to any of the previous questions (particularly the last one), have we got a site for you!! The Tubbo Match Maker! For the low, low fee of zero dollars (cough), you can find your perfect match! Just click here to be brought to the amazing dating website!