Monthly Archives: March 2009

Online Dating is an excuse to get stalked.

The Internet has been bogged down by terrible, terrible things since the very beginning of it’s existence (God, technology sucks, doesn’t it?)- things like pop-ups, AIM Forums (shivers), viruses (although viruses can be cool when they are distributed by us) are just awful…  But we know a secret worse than all of those put together.  “Online dating.”  Maybe you’ve heard of it?

Misused by lonely middle-aged women, emo teens, and the occasional 50+ year old stalker who lives in basements and attics, online dating was doomed from day one.  The mass majority of users on dating services are fat, ugly high school losers!  C’mon, get a life people!  You know that even if you find someon willing to chat with someone like yourself, they’re either a creeper or even uglier than you, right?  Why else would that chat with you?  Pity?  …Well, we guess that could be part of the reason, but even then it’s not likely that you’re actually talking with a “hottie.”

If you need a website’s help to find a partner (or even a friend), you don’t deserve one.  Who could be such a loser that they feel the need to log on to an online dating website?  When someone (let’s say your friend) decides it’s time to sell all their morals and starts dating online, they’d probably go as far as to chat with a scary person whom they understand is likely a psycho just to feel accepted.  Likewise, when this happens, you know it’s time to put your “friend” out of his or her misery.

Dating websites have got to be the most desperate thing we’ve ever heard of!  We wouldn’t take any of the multiple women whom we date seriously if they were (or had even been) part of an online dating website.  Why would anyone ever want to use them?  THEY MAKE US SO ANGRY!!  We’re getting ourselves so worked up about this, we’re surprised we haven’t gone into convulsions yet!  Oh wait;  here they come.  Ah…  The doctor says we shouldn’t let ourselves get that angry because it isn’t healthy.

Of course, we can’t help getting angry over dating websites.  Just the thought of those pathetic users thinking they’re gonna find true love on a crappy site like “Match”.  Does anyone ever marry someone they met online?  We can just hear the conversation now:

“I met my wife in High School!”

“I met my wife at a resteraunt downtown!”

“I met my wife online.”

Think about how much applause that guy would get!  Meeting a butt-ugly (and likely a former hooker) sheman on a nice, sweet website (which he probably reached by clicking on a banner or a by getting a spam email).  What do those people see in these websites?  Websites like those just ask you for all your info, your credit card, and 1 trillion years of hard labor, and in return, they find your dream match.  Sounds fair, right?  But wait, we weren’t aware that our “dream match” was a wrinkly old woman with dyed-blonde hair smoking a cigarette.  But hey, maybe we’re just being too picky, right?  Right? 

All that said, there is one good dating system that actually works.  It’s pretty amazing, mostly because we designed it!  No more worrying about creepers or gothic teens threatening to kill themselves over a break up (and spreading the news all over the site). That’s right folks, are you lonely?  Are you hated by every man/woman in your town?  Do you just wanna burn the entire hell-hole to the ground?  If you answered yes to any of the previous questions (particularly the last one), have we got a site for you!!  The Tubbo Match Maker!  For the low, low fee of zero dollars (cough), you can find your perfect match!  Just click here to be brought to the amazing dating website!

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We scoff at your ideology regarding death!

We, Tubbo & Dubba Tubba, were having a friendly conversation with a school “buddy”, who, by coincidence, is now an enemy.  We have so many close enemies, we don’t really need any friends.  We’ve heard the saying “who needs enemies when you have best friends” and we’ll bet that you have too.  Well, we say who needs friends when you’ve got enemies who hate you (as opposed to, obviously, enemies who love you)?  Life is just a barrel of laughs when you’re surrounded by enemies who’d kill you if they had the chance!  When you have friends, you have to worry about offending them every time you talk, but with enemies the whole point is to offend them and/or kick them in the shins!  What’s more fun- worrying about your all-too-intrusive personality hurting someone’s feelings, or making fun of someone until they cry?

We were talking to one of our fellow classmates (we’ve decided that we’re gonna stop using the terms “friend” and “enemy” in this post, alright?).  We were talking about an assortment of things including sports teams, video games, and fast-food stores, but we owned him on every topic.  And when we say owned, we mean owned.  We like to think of conversations as football games- it’s an intense sport, and you gotta win.  If you wanna win, you gotta take control of the conversation.  Grab your opponents idea and run the opposite way with them.  The trick is to block out any ideas your opponent has, and replace them with your own.  You gotta keep completing sentences.  That’s the way you own ’em.

Anyway, we had finished owning our classmate on nearly every topic, so he had decided to shift the conversation death, which is the most creative thing he could think of.  Yeah, you know.  He’s one of those angst-ridden “emos”.  We hate emos.  Every time we see some who looks depressed on the street, we shout “life is great!” and punch them in the face.  That’ll teach them to be depressed without our approval.

He started talking about his ideal death, which is actually a really happy-sunny-love topic by his standards (don’t ask to here about his “darkish” topics- our site would get banned in about 20 countries).  He said that he’d like to die in his sleep, thinking quite foolishly that it would be the most peaceful death.  We told him straight out that he was an idiot!  Dying in your sleep has gotta be the most boring type of death ever!  Why not have fun with your death?  Who would wanna be asleep when the most exiting part of their pathetic life (ending it) happens?  We told this boring-butt emo that if he started dying while asleep, we’d wake him up and shoot him in the face-  THEN let him die in peace.  We wanna send him off  into the afterlife the right way, although we truly doubt he’ll need a “proper” send off where HE’S going.

“See you in hell,” we said.

“Yeah, I probably will”, emo-nerd said.  The worst part is, he’s probably right.  Hell will be hell with him in it.

Although any way of dying is better than dying in your sleep, our preferred death would be anything involving machine guns and nuclear bombs.  We wanna go out with a (pun intended/not intended, depending on your views on puns) BANG!  We want people to fall into a cold sweat every time they hear the names “Tubbo Grey & Dubba Tubba Grey”, remembering the horrific death we had.

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We wanna go down with multiple explosions and guns ablaze!  Apocalypse now, baby!  We’d prefer an end-of-the-world scene when we finally snuff it, but a huge nuclear war, some sort of vampire attack, a massive forrest fire, or a zombie rebellion would work.  Note: if you’d like to use these funeral ideas for a loved one, feel free.  It’ll be a destructive day when we die!

We’ve heard families talking about dear old Gramps who had sadly passed away a few days previous.  They always say lame things like “well, at least he died in his sleep”.  You know what we do when we hear things like that (besides cringe)?  We walk up to them and yell “yeah right, weirdoes!  We hope he died awake, alone, and afraid!”, and often times we don’t even know the damn family.  Families always hope that loved ones slowly drift away while unconscious, when in reality they should be hoping for the opposite.  Talk about heartless wretches.

Finally, we’d like to answer a question that we’re sure has been bugging you all for some time, but is too much of a touché subject to bring up:  What song would we like be played at our funeral hundreds (if not thousands) of years from now (that is, assuming we die- we’ve been under the impression that we’re immortal).  We’ve thought long and hard upon it, and we’ve finally come to a decision.  Now, most people would say something boring like a contemporary pop song, or some Christian rock ballad.  SNORE.  You know what’s more exiting than those songs?  Dying in your sleep.  Shivers.  So we’ve decided upon the rockin’ Godly tune “Highway to Hell” by AC/DC.  Fitting, isn’t it?  We’re on the Highway to Hell…

R.W.P. (rest without peace) everyone.

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Hey, we heard you guys wanted a new article.

Hey, we got a couple of emails from you guys asking when we’d write a new one article.  Want another update, huh?  Well, here you go.

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