Welcome to the listings of things that don’t suck in life. There aren’t very many, and even some of the things on the list suck in their own little ways, but it we forced the things to be perfect in order to make it on this list, we wouldn’t have a list. Of course, the last thing on this list would qualify, but none of these other things. Most things suck.
We considered putting Metallica in this place, but then we remembered how they acted like pussies over the whole Napster thing, so that cost them their place on the small list of things that don’t suck. Plus, albums “Load” and “Reload” were terrible. We’d rather listen to a dog taking a poop through headphones cranked all the way up for two hours than listen to either of those albums (for thirty seconds). If we were to make another list titled “some things that kinda suck but not badly”, we might put Metallica on it, but since we probably never will because we’re to lazy for something like that, just assume that Metallica sucks. Plus, we went on iTunes the other day and looked at Metallica’s new album (Death Magnet- surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad.) and found that the band Fall Out Boy was inside the Listeners Also Brought Section section. If the whole Napster thing hadn’t already sealed the band’s place off this list, this did. Fall Out Boy? The whole dog poop thing goes double for that.
We all know that bands as big as Fall Out Boy and Metallica care the slightest about our opinions on them.
Anyway, unto Iron Maiden. It’s a good band. It plays metal. Yep. You know, it’s a lot more fun insulting a band than it is praising a band. Who wants to read compliments anyway? We don’t. The public wants criticizing reviews that tear apart careers and potentially ruin lives, not positive acclaim. So we’ll just say that Iron Maiden owns and leave it at that.
We love food. We think food is the best thing that ever happened to humanity, although the whole Jesus saving us from hell and stuff is a pretty close second. Or maybe a close third. Sometimes, we’re so happy when we eat food that we hum. Really happy songs, like the Jaws Theme. You don’t see us that happy often. Anyway, most food is pretty good. Sure, you get some of the crap food like lettuce or celery (you know, all that supposedly healthy stuff, but you guys know the truth about vegetables, don’t you?), but then you get the amazing stuff like steaks and burgers and grease, so we figure you gotta take the bad with the good. Actually, that reminds us of a few emails we’ve been receiving from potential stalkers lately. They’ve been asking stupid, pointless questions about stuff that doesn’t matter, and one of them asked what our favorite food was. So, if you really feel the need to invade our privacy in such a vulgar manner, continue reading. Our favorite food is grease (of course, salt is great too). Happy? No? Good.
If we lived in one of those poor countries where food was scarce, we think we’d die of unhappiness- not starvation, because in our opinion starvation has nothing to do with food. Only happiness is related to food. Never sadness. We could probably give some of our food to the less-fortunate people who can’t afford their own food, but we’re aren’t gonna do that because it’s our food. We never share our food. That might cost us one of our seven daily meals, and we can’t have that.
-Weapons (especially nuclear ones)
This pretty much goes without saying because everyone loves weapons, but we decided we’d add it to the list anyway. We love weapons, and everything that happens to people who use them (which is an increase in your self-esteem and often times a job in the government). The best kind of weapons are the nuclear ones, because they cause so much destruction, which is obviously cool. All the disease, the pain… Aww, we get shivers (of joy) just thinking about it.
Although we say that we like weapons, our lovingness is a mere infatuation compared to those who’ve been in wars. Everyone whose fought in a war loves weapons, especially guys who fought in the Vietnam war. Actually, there’s been too much peace in the world lately. We need another war.
You can never have enough war. We should start another war just to shake things up. If we ruled the world (which we most definitely will someday), whenever we’d get bored we’d just go to war with poor 3rd World Countries who don’t even have their own army. That way we’d win every time. It’s like picking a fight with a weak kid whose a head shorter than you. You always win, and you don’t even get hurt! How great! Of course, some people may get a little guilty feeling from beating up little country, but we have the cure for that; alcohol. And important members of the government and alcohol mix very well.
First on the cutting board- Poland. We hate Poland. Whenever we think of Poland, we think about pole-dancers and polls, both of which we hate.
The Hulk is officially the greatest super hero/villain (depending on what side you’re own. Wimp.). He’s way better than those other heros who fight for “truth” and “justice”, as if people actually care about that stuff in real life. No one in the real world gifted with mega powers would fight for justice- you know what they’d fight for? Self gain. We’re living example of that! That’s what’s wrong with comic books. They keep telling impressionable kids that super heros fight for the good of the people. They don’t.
But that problem isn’t present in The Hulk. The Hulk does what he wants, when we wants. If he wants some cash, he goes to the bank, goes super size, busts up the vault and anyone who tries to stop him, and leaves without a second thought about all the lives he’s ruined. That’s what we call whipped. We don’t see Super(suck)man doing anything like that.
Just get The Hulk irritated, just the smallest bit annoyed, and suddenly he’s thirty feet tall with the strength of an elephant. Looking at The Hulk the wrong way? He’ll pick you off the ground like a french fry and chuck you into the next state. Or maybe he’ll just do what most people do with french fries- eat them.
Cheating is one of our little not-so-guilty pleasures in life. We don’t know what we’d do without cheating. We’d probably be forced into building ethics and morals, but we don’t like to think about that. It scares us too much.
Although we are naturally gifted in pretty much every aspect of life (although that goes without saying), there comes a time in every person’s life where he/she/it feels the temptation to cheat. We had our moment just few days ago when our perfect 100% Testing Streak was being put in danger because of a tough-ass question that thought it’d be able to get the best of us. We speak from experience- when that moment comes around, when you feel like you just have to cheat, there’s only one thing to do: do it. It’s the best thing to do. We cheated on that test, and our 100% streak continued. We completely got away with it, scotch-free! We’ve never made such a mature decision in all our life.
We can’t believe we almost forgot the greatest and most important thing of life. Us! We’re more important than you. We rock.
Some of you may be wondering why we didn’t put love (which is considered the most important part of life by many) on this list. Well, we didn’t put it on here because it’s not important. We don’t need love like we need food or heavy metal. We need those things! Love is just a lame sideshow compared to the stuff we mentioned on this list. This list is amazing. It’s the best list on the Internet. If love was real (which it isn’t), we’d love this list, and you should too.
Actually, we heard this stupid commercial talking crap about the “love” gimmick. It told us that we can’t buy love. What a lie! Just the other day we bought love in the form of an iPod Nanochromatic! What now, false prophets? Actually, it turns out love is a ripoff; love broke when we sat on it. Don’t love, folks. It’ll just break like everything else in your pathetic lives. Instead, purchase hate, which is much cheaper and much more fun.
We bought hate in the form of a bomb (mentioned above). It didn’t disappoint. It carried out its mission admirably.