Monthly Archives: February 2009

Led Zeppelin sucks.

That got your attention, did it now? Well, it’s only the truth. Led Zeppelin is, without a doubt, the worst rock band that ever existed (unless you count “the Beatles”, but they were just a talentless pop boy-band and don’t deserve the title “rock band”). We just can’t understand how people like Led Zeppelin, although we admit that we never understood idiots very well. Back in the ’70s when Zeppelin was around, all you had to do to become popular was play loud guitars and smoke weed and everyone automatically assumed you were great.

“Hey, check out this band called Led Zeppelin! They’re really loud and stuff, so it doesn’t matter that the music itself sucks! Plus, they do cocaine, and getting high is too cool for schooll!”

~One of the first Led Zeppelin fanboys.

People, Led Zeppelin really isn’t good. Get over them. We’d go as far as to say Fall Out Boy (band responsible for “Thnks fr th Mmrs”) are better than Led Zeppelin, and we hate Fall Out Boy. But even the worst of the worst modern bands out there today far exceed Led Zeppelin in instrumental talent, songwriting abilities, and if you wanna get technical, non-suck-itude.

It doesn’t help that shameless radio stations seem unable to resist playing Stairway To Heaven every half hour. That song has become the single most overplayed song in history. We could pull better lyrics out of our butts. In fact, we think we will. Ahh, that felt good.. What do you think of these lyrics: Stairway to Heaven, it ain’t no good. The Zeppelin of Led, we’d burst it, we would. A masterpiece is born. Why don’t those radio stations play that every other song? It’s about as worthless as Stairway to Heaven, isn’t it? We suppose it’s lacking something that Stairway to Heaven has acquired over time though… What our song needs is that annoyingly high-pitched voice Robert Plant had. Honestly, you’d have to almost try to sing that bad. If you can’t scream “melodically”, don’t scream at all. It only makes you sound like a girl. When we had our first experience with a Led Zeppelin song, besides being shocked at how horrible it was, we honestly though that the lead signer was a girl, although we’ve always had the suspicion that Mr. (or should we say Ms.) Plant was a woman in disguise.

You all probably heard about the so-called subliminal messages in some of Led Zeppelin’s songs, right? How Led Zeppelin is suddenly “satanic”? We aren’t as worried about exposing our children to “the dark horrors of Satan” by playing Zeppelin’s songs than we are of them clawing their ears until they bleed as the whiny vocals and awful riffs pierce they’re eardrums. Overprotective parents: You shouldn’t be worrying about the subliminal messages. You should be worrying about the abysmal-ness rubbing off on your kids.

It seems like any band formed in the ’70s (known as the “Golden Age” of music to Zeppelin nerds) are forever untouchable to music critics like ourselves. If anyone dares bash Led Zeppelin in the slightest, including admitting that they are anything less that fond of just one song, they are immediatly cussed out and screamed at by countless Zeppelin fanboys. Any band that happens to be average during the 70’s is risen to legendary status (although Led Zeppelin is by no means “average”- they are so much worse than that). And God forbid having a singer die- if a band member dies while the band is in progress (even if the causes of death are the band members own fault such as an O.D.), the band is automatically amazing, even if everyone knows they aren’t. Imagine what would have happened if a member of the Beatles had died!

We’ve had enough of Led Zeppelins awfulness, and we’ve had enough of the rabid fans who freak out over you not liking their favorite band- it’s not our fault their tastes in music suck. Get over the band- they are NOT GOOD. What don’t you get about that? Led Zeppelin was a crappy band playing crappy music. They had no good songs whatsoever, and anyone who says otherwise must either be an idiot or tonedeaf, although we won’t rule out the possibility of both. The one good thing about Led Zeppelin is that they’re career only lasted about 10 years, which is the best thing that could be said about anything related to the band. Of course, even 10 years is too much. If we had been born in the ’70s when Led Zeppelin was popular, we don’t think we’d have made it into the ’80s. In our humble opinion (very humble, that is), the words “good” and “Led Zeppelin” should never come together in a sentence, unless the sentence is “Led Zepplin aren’t good.”

And don’t get us started on Pink Floyd…

Angry that we reduced your pussy band to shambles? Whine here.

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10,000 Hits!

10,000 Hits, Losers!

Welcome to the 10,000 hits post here at the Tubbo Site!  That’s right, after almost (or maybe more than) one year, we finally hit 10,000 views.  Why, we remember when we first got 1,000 hits.  Actually, you can read the 1,000 Hits post here.  If we could cry normally rather than crying demonic blood, that would bring tears to our eyes.  We never knew we suffered from nostalgia.  Anyway, here are a few insider details on the Tubbo Site that we wouldn’t normally share with the general public, but are anyway because of all the “festivities” (in other words, us getting drunk).  Gee, we could mistake this for governmental meeting if we didn’t know better!  You know, every one getting drunk and sharing things they shouldn’t…

First off, we thought we’d show you some of our favorite terms people typed into search engines (like Google, Yahoo, etc.) to reach our site.  Some of these may seem idiotic, which is probably the reason we included them in our list.  Brace yourselves…

Note:  All these are in unedited form- untouched, unscrewed, un-idiot-a-fied.

  • “bail out a mexican jail”

We like this one because it really makes you think.  Was this guy reading our site from a Mexican jailhouse?  Or did he send one of his friends up the river and is now trying to bail him out?  Or maybe he just wants to figure out how to break out as a “precaution”?  This (probably) brought him to the Tubbo Site because of our article “Our Stay In a Mexican Jail“.

  • “hippie names”

Obviously the hippie who typed this one just gave birth to a young hippie and rather than thinking of a name that actually means something to her, she decided to consult the all knowing magic known as “Google” (everything is magic for hippies- especially this “new-fangled-hoodat” humans know as the Internet) which brought her here.  Of course, she loved all the Indian/hippie names we offered and chose one for her newborn baby who grew up and killed her for picking out such a horrible name.  True story.  These search terms probably brought her to the Tubbo Site because of our article “Indian/Hippie Names“.

  • “twins own everyone”

True that.

  • “indian names”
  • “good hippy names”
  • “indian names for dogs”
  • “hippie mother earth”

Gosh, if we knew how many hippies we’d get visiting our site because of that one article (Indian/Hippie Names, link above), we wouldn’t have even posted it.  Everyday we get about 10 visitors because of terms like this and we just want it to stop!  We have other and better articles here, people.  Get a life and get over hippies- the 70’s are over.  These search terms probably brought her to the Tubbo Site because of our article “Indian/Hippie Names“.

  • “retorts + stupid question”

Because writing “and” is too much work.

  • “wehn do we next vote”

Just a heads up people:  We’ve never used the word (and we use the term “word” loosely) “wehn” on this site.  This was obviously written by a Preschooler who heard his parents talking about some sort of election and wanted to find out more about it, but lacked the comprehension of the English to correctly use a search engine.  Because of that, rather than being sent to an electoral site that would teach him about elections and how they work, he got sent here where his perception on Presidents and the government was skewed.  He’ll probably become a terrorist because of this.  We should probably email him explaining things, but we’re lazy, so oh well.  These search engine terms probably brought him to the Tubbo Site because of either our article “We’re Not Going Political” or our article that contradicts us less than a month later titled “Next Election, We’re Voting Green Party“.

  • “wittyness”

Although spelled wrong here, we appreciate how people think we are witty none the less. 

  • “hack into billybob in clubpenguin”

For those of you who aren’t 40-year old nerds who live in their mothers basement (or who aren’t 2-year-olds who play Club Penguin after school all day- one or the other), Billy Bob is a famous Moderator who walks around Club Penguin, an online RPG, and bans everyone who looks at him wrong.  We learned all this usless information because of idiots who emailed us a few months ago day about making a post about Club Penguin, which we did right hereWhat do you think of your Club Penguin now, tools?  

  • “mother nature sucks”

Whether you think Mother Nature is greatest thing in the world or can suck balls, we’ve gotcha covered.  Or, at least the latter.

  • “caillou officil site”

We assume this person was attempting to type “official”.  It warms our hearts and increases our list of IP Bans when we get visits from 2-year-olds.  These search engine terms probably brought this young-in to our site because of our article “Caillou” (where we ridicule the show rather than praise it).

 

But we’re gonna keep the party going all night long- this post isn’t anywhere near done yet.  This is probably gonna be one of the longest ever on the Tubbo Site.  Next up, here are some statistics for the Tubbo Site:

 

Total # of Posts (at the time of this writing): 95.

Total Comments: 64  (we’re a bit disappointed in this number, but we suppose that because we took commenting off until a while ago, we can’t ask for much).

Total Spam Comments Blocked: 51 (owned!).

Total Views on an Average Day:  50-60 views.

Busiest Day: Saturday, Nov. 8th, 08 at 297 (two-hundred and ninety-seven) views.

Worst Day:  Monday, December 31st, o7 at 0 (zero) views.

Total Views at the time of this writing:  10,008 (huge number).


Next up, the greatest Tubbo Articles of all time, and why they’re that amazing!  Most of these are older, but we wanted more people to read them, so there you are.

 

Tubbos First Post

This was our first-ever post.  Although the Tubbo Site was first opened at the end of 2007 (December 28th), our first post wasn’t made until a few months later.  Although “Tubbos First Post” is neither funny nor well put togther, we keep it because it reminds us that we’ve come.  If you look in the URL Bar area, you can see it still has the original hello-world tag (which WordPress automatically includes).  

True Bliss?  We Think Not

This is when our articles started changing from pointless and short babblings about nothing into something much more.  Looking back on this article, we still enjoy reading it.  We think it was pretty good made for one of our first posts.

How To Make a Near Tubbo-Quality Fart

When this site first started, we talked about farting all the time.  Although we don’t talk about it much nowadays, we wanted to draw attention some attention to this little-known gem.  Plus, farting is still awesome.

Joe Is Viewtiful

Our first and last video game review article.  Although we don’t review video games anymore, we thought the article turned out fairly well.  Of course, it helps that the video game itself was awesome.  

How Laziness Saved Our Life

Yes, it’s old and raw and not as polished as our newer articles, but it’s genius none the less, and remains one of our favorite Tubbo Articles.  We like it because Tubbo almost died.  Heh heh, bit of a funny story actually.  But we suppose you had to have been there.

Screw Treats, We’re Givin’ Tricks!

Our official Halloween post (from ’08).  We talk about how Satanic holidays rock, which is why this holiday caught on in the first place.

Who Are These People?

If this is the second longest post on the Tubbo Site, then “Who Are These People?” is the longest.  But being the longest only adds to it’s awesomeness- we love this post.

 

One of our favorite emails:

######@####.com (protected on owners request)

Subject line:  today i got arrested because of you two- you guys rock!

Sent:  July 14th, 2008

hi tubbos.  this is my first time emailing you so i hope it goes through.  i just red your article on how ignorance isn’t bliss and i wasnt ready to take your word for it cuz i spend most of my life in ignorance so i decided to do some fo my own tests.  

test 1:  drive your car into a mcdonald’s building (i remember you guys mentioning you dont like mcdonalds) and hope i dont die because im ignorant about safety (i replaced my airbags with actual air before this test- hows that for ignorant).

result:  ignorance is not bliss.

im writing this from a full body cast in a prison cell.


To which we replied:  “When you get the brain transplant (which obviously hasn’t occurred yet), please don’t sue us.”


Next up, check out these photosL

Check out these photo’s and try and tell us our site hasn’t come a long way.

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Hover mouse over pictures to view details.

Sorry about the poor quality on the first picture- we had to do some digging to find a picture that old.

 

That just about wraps up this 10,000 hits post.  Oh man, we’re awesome, as is this site.  Which reminds us- keep telling your friends about the Tubbo Site.  Just kidding.  You don’t have any friends.  And yes, do your part in the Tubbo community.  Yes, that’s right.  It’s a community now.  An awesome community, with over 10,000 inhabitants, most of them nerds.  And on that note…

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Click to enlarge.

“Dude, it’s better than New Years Eve!”

And yes, the amazing ‘staches from the 1,000 hits post are back by popular demand.  We figured:  where’s the fun if you don’t add something that’s “a bit much”?

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Another child, lost to the ruthless Babysitter

This article is about the Babysitter.  Wondering who the Babysitter is?  You don’t have to stay an idiot forever!  Catch up here.

You may have already seen it on the news in which case we apologize for the repetition, but we doubt that because of how this case was kept pretty quiet.  To summarize the next few paragraphs, another child was lost to the ruthless Babysitter.

Now, we haven’t been babysat by the Babysitter herself for a couple of weeks due to our begging Bill (our dad) to get different one- our argument was that we should “try new things” once in a while, which he completely bought.  Our new babysitter is no Super Nanny, of course.  She makes us dance to Latin Salsa for three hours straight, and the only thing she knows how to prepare is cold cereal, which she somehow she manages to burn.  We have no idea how she does it, but she somehow she manages.  We think it may be punishment for our poor dancing skills.  But even after all that, she is better than the Babysitter, and until she [our new babysitter] starts attempting to murder us in cold blood, she’ll still be better than the old Babysitter.

Although we haven’t been personally babysat by Babysitter doesn’t mean she hasn’t been babysitting other kids.  For the past two weeks, she’s been babysitting a little toddler girl a few miles from our mansion to compensate for the loss of business our getting a new babysitter cost her.  And when we say she’s been babysitting for two weeks, we mean she’s been babysitting in between the attempted killings she’s made on us.

Anyway, she has been babysitting this little girl.  The little girl is no Tubbo, but she is pretty bratty and/or violent.  You know.  For a mere mortal.  The Babysitter had her hands full with this girl.  But last night, it seems like the girl pushed the Babysitter too far, and when you’re as pre-crazed as the Babysitter is, it doesn’t take too much to be pushed over the deep end.  But once the Babysitter went into the deep end, she took the little girl with her.  Literally.  Catch our drift?

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The Babysitter was quoted later asking her friend on the phone “yeah, the little girl I’m supposed to be watching has been out in the pool for about four hours.  Actually, she’s under the water.  Can she breath underwater?  Maybe she’s a mermaid.”  

Yeah, she’s a mermaid.  Although the Babysitter is extremely stupid (probably even this stupid), we know the truth.  The Babysitter drowned her.  The authorites planned on charging her for manslaughter.  They couldn’t pin her for direct murder (not enough evidence), but she was the babysitter and a child drowned under her watch.  The Babysitter’s only argument:  “Hey, we can’t all be perfect babysitters!  There are too many kids nowadays anyway!  I was doing the parents a favor!  Now, I’m not saying we should all just kill the kids we’re watching, but if the phone rings while we’re giving some neighbor’s baby a bath…  Well, no one should judge.”

Needless to say, that didn’t do well in court (although one of the jury members seemed interested in what she had to say.  In fact, now that we think about it, he stood up as a sign of respect as she broke one of the court windows and dashed out.  Hmm…), and the Babysitters on the run again.  But she’ll be back.  She always is.  And it’s our duty as the only kids around to survive her wrath to tell the tales of her horrors.  Maybe someday we’ll finally be free from her horrors.  But until day comes…  Say, this is pretty good stuff.  Maybe we should write a book.  We’ll call it “The Horrors of the Babysitter including murder, arson, and terrorism” and make a million bucks.  Sweet.

Note:  The word “Babysitter” (and it’s alterations e.g. babysat, babysitting, etc.) has been used 29 times in this article, not counting the times it’s been used in this sentence.  Just wanted to add that.

 

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A Few Things in Life that Don’t Suck.

Welcome to the listings of things that don’t suck in life.  There aren’t very many, and even some of the things on the list suck in their own little ways, but it we forced the things to be perfect in order to make it on this list, we wouldn’t have a list.  Of course, the last thing on this list would qualify, but none of these other things.  Most things suck.

    -Iron Maiden

We considered putting Metallica in this place, but then we remembered how they acted like pussies over the whole Napster thing, so that cost them their place on the small list of things that don’t suck.  Plus, albums “Load” and “Reload” were terrible.  We’d rather listen to a dog taking a poop through headphones cranked all the way up for two hours than listen to either of those albums (for thirty seconds).  If we were to make another list titled “some things that kinda suck but not badly”, we might put Metallica on it, but since we probably never will because we’re to lazy for something like that, just assume that Metallica sucks.  Plus, we went on iTunes the other day and looked at Metallica’s new album (Death Magnet- surprisingly, it wasn’t that bad.) and found that the band Fall Out Boy was inside the Listeners Also Brought Section section.  If the whole Napster thing hadn’t already sealed the band’s place off this list, this did.  Fall Out Boy?  The whole dog poop thing goes double for that.

We all know that bands as big as Fall Out Boy and Metallica care the slightest about our opinions on them.

Anyway, unto Iron Maiden.  It’s a good band.  It plays metal.  Yep.  You know, it’s a lot more fun insulting a band than it is praising a band.  Who wants to read compliments anyway?  We don’t.  The public wants criticizing reviews that tear apart careers and potentially ruin lives, not positive acclaim.  So we’ll just say that Iron Maiden owns and leave it at that.

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    -Food

We love food.  We think food is the best thing that ever happened to humanity, although the whole Jesus saving us from hell and stuff is a pretty close second.  Or maybe a close third.  Sometimes, we’re so happy when we eat food that we hum.  Really happy songs, like the Jaws Theme.  You don’t see us that happy often.  Anyway, most food is pretty good.  Sure, you get some of the crap food like lettuce or celery (you know, all that supposedly healthy stuff, but you guys know the truth about vegetables, don’t you?), but then you get the amazing stuff like steaks and burgers and grease, so we figure you gotta take the bad with the good.  Actually, that reminds us of a few emails we’ve been receiving from potential stalkers lately.  They’ve been asking stupid, pointless questions about stuff that doesn’t matter, and one of them asked what our favorite food was.  So, if you really feel the need to invade our privacy in such a vulgar manner, continue reading.  Our favorite food is grease (of course, salt is great too).  Happy?  No?  Good. 

If we lived in one of those poor countries where food was scarce, we think we’d die of unhappiness- not starvation, because in our opinion starvation has nothing to do with food.  Only happiness is related to food.  Never sadness.  We could probably give some of our food to the less-fortunate people who can’t afford their own food, but we’re aren’t gonna do that because it’s our food.  We never share our food.  That might cost us one of our seven daily meals, and we can’t have that.

    -Weapons (especially nuclear ones)

This pretty much goes without saying because everyone loves weapons, but we decided we’d add it to the list anyway.  We love weapons, and everything that happens to people who use them (which is an increase in your self-esteem and often times a job in the government).  The best kind of weapons are the nuclear ones, because they cause so much destruction, which is obviously cool.  All the disease, the pain…  Aww, we get shivers (of joy) just thinking about it.

Although we say that we like weapons, our lovingness is a mere infatuation compared to those who’ve been in wars.  Everyone whose fought in a war loves weapons, especially guys who fought in the Vietnam war.  Actually, there’s been too much peace in the world lately.  We need another war.

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You can never have enough war.  We should start another war just to shake things up.  If we ruled the world (which we most definitely will someday), whenever we’d get bored we’d just go to war with poor 3rd World Countries who don’t even have their own army.  That way we’d win every time.  It’s like picking a fight with a weak kid whose a head shorter than you.  You always win, and you don’t even get hurt!  How great!  Of course, some people may get a little guilty feeling from beating up little country, but we have the cure for that; alcohol.  And important members of the government and alcohol mix very well.

First on the cutting board- Poland.  We hate Poland.  Whenever we think of Poland, we think about pole-dancers and polls, both of which we hate.

    -The Hulk

The Hulk is officially the greatest super hero/villain (depending on what side you’re own.  Wimp.).  He’s way better than those other heros who fight for “truth” and “justice”, as if people actually care about that stuff in real life.  No one in the real world gifted with mega powers would fight for justice- you know what they’d fight for?  Self gain.  We’re living example of that!  That’s what’s wrong with comic books.  They keep telling impressionable kids that super heros fight for the good of the people.  They don’t.  

But that problem isn’t present in The Hulk.  The Hulk does what he wants, when we wants.  If he wants some cash, he goes to the bank, goes super size, busts up the vault and anyone who tries to stop him, and leaves without a second thought about all the lives he’s ruined.  That’s what we call whipped.  We don’t see Super(suck)man doing anything like that.

Just get The Hulk irritated, just the smallest bit annoyed, and suddenly he’s thirty feet tall with the strength of an elephant.  Looking at The Hulk the wrong way?  He’ll pick you off the ground like a french fry and chuck you into the next state.  Or maybe he’ll just do what most people do with french fries- eat them.

    -Cheating

Cheating is one of our little not-so-guilty pleasures in life.  We don’t know what we’d do without cheating.  We’d probably be forced into building ethics and morals, but we don’t like to think about that.  It scares us too much.  

Although we are naturally gifted in pretty much every aspect of life (although that goes without saying), there comes a time in every person’s life where he/she/it feels the temptation to cheat.  We had our moment just few days ago when our perfect 100% Testing Streak was being put in danger because of a tough-ass question that thought it’d be able to get the best of us.  We speak from experience- when that moment comes around, when you feel like you just have to cheat, there’s only one thing to do:  do it.  It’s the best thing to do.  We cheated on that test, and our 100% streak continued.  We completely got away with it, scotch-free!  We’ve never made such a mature decision in all our life.

    -Us

We can’t believe we almost forgot the greatest and most important thing of life.  Us!  We’re more important than you.  We rock.

Some of you may be wondering why we didn’t put love (which is considered the most important part of life by many) on this list.  Well, we didn’t put it on here because it’s not important.  We don’t need love like we need food or heavy metal.  We need those things!  Love is just a lame sideshow compared to the stuff we mentioned on this list.  This list is amazing.  It’s the best list on the Internet.  If love was real (which it isn’t), we’d love this list, and you should too.

Actually, we heard this stupid commercial talking crap about the “love” gimmick.  It told us that we can’t buy love.  What a lie!  Just the other day we bought love in the form of an iPod Nanochromatic!  What now, false prophets?  Actually, it turns out love is a ripoff; love broke when we sat on it.  Don’t love, folks.  It’ll just break like everything else in your pathetic lives.  Instead, purchase hate, which is much cheaper and much more fun.

We bought hate in the form of a bomb (mentioned above).  It didn’t disappoint.  It carried out its mission admirably.

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15 Facts about ADD

Here are a few facts about ADD.  ADD is is spelled the same as “add”, as in “add it up, you can’t add.”, although not the same as “attention deficit disorder”.  They’re different you know.  We’re talking about the latter, which sounds like ladder as in “climb up the ladder so I can push you down.”, although not the same as “we were talking about the latter of the two options”.  We were talking about the latter of the two options.

 1. We love cheeses.

 2. We wish we had a bunny to play “Kamikaze Mission X Survivors” with.

 3. iPods are coooool, dude.

 4. Our Uncle Ben drinks too much!

 5. Jiggypuff.

 6. Bottled waters are often times laced with petroleum.

 7. 

 8. There ain’t no “seven”.

 9. Poop.

 10. If we could have any job we wanted, we’d be cavemen.

 11. Ninety-two isn’t the best number in Finland.

 12. We should go to war with socks, but we’d probably lose.

 13. The F-Word is a no-no.  Sometimes.

 14. LOL!

 15. Teacher says we’re special!

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You Can’t Trust Anyone, Ever.

You just can’t trust people nowadays. Everything they say, everything they do… Lies. Pretty much everything you were told since you were born was a lie, and if you don’t already know that, you’re an idiot. When your teacher sayed he was teaching for most of his life, that was a lie. He went from working as a McDonald’s cashier to a teacher in about one week after your school fell into debt. When your doctor said you were “A-Ok”, he was lying. You have cancer. When you see a sign that says left turn only, it’s a lie. Everyone else turns right at that turn, and you should turn too. When your parents told you they loved you, it was a lie. Trust us.

You should never trust anyone. Trusting gets you nowhere in life. Ever heard the saying nice guys finish last? Although the saying itself is a lie because a human composed it, there’s a bit of truth to it. Nice guys (in other words, trusting people) finish last, and in the Great Tubbo Race, finishing last means death. Don’t wanna die and sudden a early death? Stop trusting people. Would you trust this guy?

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No. Of course not. Then why would you trust anyone else? It’s stupid! Even politicians lie these days, and if you can’t trust a politician, who can you trust? Priests? Pshh.

One time we trusted someone. Big mistake. You turn your back on someone you think is telling you the truth, and BAM! The next thing you know, you’re in the middle of a desert with nothing to get you home except a cane and seven pounds of licorice. We’ve made quite a few errors in judgment in our young lives: We trusted that the man servering our burgers had washed his hands before touching the food we put in our gullible mouths. Boy, were we wrong.

Trusting people is a terrible thing to do. Don’t ever let it happen to you. You think you can trust someone one minute, the next they’re cooking you in a stew that they’ll serve to there dinner guests. And even the guests would lie to you, saying that you tasted great. Lie. Everyone is a liar. You’re a liar too. We hate you. We hate everyone.

We’re not bitter. We promise.

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Chances the guy you work next to is “cool”:

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