That got your attention, did it now? Well, it’s only the truth. Led Zeppelin is, without a doubt, the worst rock band that ever existed (unless you count “the Beatles”, but they were just a talentless pop boy-band and don’t deserve the title “rock band”). We just can’t understand how people like Led Zeppelin, although we admit that we never understood idiots very well. Back in the ’70s when Zeppelin was around, all you had to do to become popular was play loud guitars and smoke weed and everyone automatically assumed you were great.
“Hey, check out this band called Led Zeppelin! They’re really loud and stuff, so it doesn’t matter that the music itself sucks! Plus, they do cocaine, and getting high is too cool for schooll!”
~One of the first Led Zeppelin fanboys.
People, Led Zeppelin really isn’t good. Get over them. We’d go as far as to say Fall Out Boy (band responsible for “Thnks fr th Mmrs”) are better than Led Zeppelin, and we hate Fall Out Boy. But even the worst of the worst modern bands out there today far exceed Led Zeppelin in instrumental talent, songwriting abilities, and if you wanna get technical, non-suck-itude.
It doesn’t help that shameless radio stations seem unable to resist playing Stairway To Heaven every half hour. That song has become the single most overplayed song in history. We could pull better lyrics out of our butts. In fact, we think we will. Ahh, that felt good.. What do you think of these lyrics: Stairway to Heaven, it ain’t no good. The Zeppelin of Led, we’d burst it, we would. A masterpiece is born. Why don’t those radio stations play that every other song? It’s about as worthless as Stairway to Heaven, isn’t it? We suppose it’s lacking something that Stairway to Heaven has acquired over time though… What our song needs is that annoyingly high-pitched voice Robert Plant had. Honestly, you’d have to almost try to sing that bad. If you can’t scream “melodically”, don’t scream at all. It only makes you sound like a girl. When we had our first experience with a Led Zeppelin song, besides being shocked at how horrible it was, we honestly though that the lead signer was a girl, although we’ve always had the suspicion that Mr. (or should we say Ms.) Plant was a woman in disguise.
You all probably heard about the so-called subliminal messages in some of Led Zeppelin’s songs, right? How Led Zeppelin is suddenly “satanic”? We aren’t as worried about exposing our children to “the dark horrors of Satan” by playing Zeppelin’s songs than we are of them clawing their ears until they bleed as the whiny vocals and awful riffs pierce they’re eardrums. Overprotective parents: You shouldn’t be worrying about the subliminal messages. You should be worrying about the abysmal-ness rubbing off on your kids.
It seems like any band formed in the ’70s (known as the “Golden Age” of music to Zeppelin nerds) are forever untouchable to music critics like ourselves. If anyone dares bash Led Zeppelin in the slightest, including admitting that they are anything less that fond of just one song, they are immediatly cussed out and screamed at by countless Zeppelin fanboys. Any band that happens to be average during the 70’s is risen to legendary status (although Led Zeppelin is by no means “average”- they are so much worse than that). And God forbid having a singer die- if a band member dies while the band is in progress (even if the causes of death are the band members own fault such as an O.D.), the band is automatically amazing, even if everyone knows they aren’t. Imagine what would have happened if a member of the Beatles had died!
We’ve had enough of Led Zeppelins awfulness, and we’ve had enough of the rabid fans who freak out over you not liking their favorite band- it’s not our fault their tastes in music suck. Get over the band- they are NOT GOOD. What don’t you get about that? Led Zeppelin was a crappy band playing crappy music. They had no good songs whatsoever, and anyone who says otherwise must either be an idiot or tonedeaf, although we won’t rule out the possibility of both. The one good thing about Led Zeppelin is that they’re career only lasted about 10 years, which is the best thing that could be said about anything related to the band. Of course, even 10 years is too much. If we had been born in the ’70s when Led Zeppelin was popular, we don’t think we’d have made it into the ’80s. In our humble opinion (very humble, that is), the words “good” and “Led Zeppelin” should never come together in a sentence, unless the sentence is “Led Zepplin aren’t good.”
And don’t get us started on Pink Floyd…
Angry that we reduced your pussy band to shambles? Whine here.