About once every year (sometimes twice, if we’re unlucky), a day dreaded by all of the non-third-world world …which includes us and most likely you if you can afford the Internet and have enough free-time to read this article… rolls around. On that day, kids go around schools giving out poorly manufactured cards with human hearts on them, aging coworkers with breath that smells of cheap beer and cigarettes pretend to be “hip” again by flirting with the opposite gender and make “kissy faces”, and all around corruption runs free. You may be thinking, “how can a day like this go by every year without my knowing?” Well, the sad part about all of this is that you not only know about it, but you likely take part in it. What day is this? Satanic Day? Worse. Communism Appreciation Day? Worse. Back-to-school Savings Day? Nay, even worse than that. This horrible day is entitled none other than Valentines Day.
We have thousands of reasons to hate Valentines Day. For one, being the scandalously charming hippos we are, every girl in our Kindergarten class goes crazy buying dozens of Valentines cards for us and we have no choice but to accept all of them- who are we to deny the love of a girls life? The problem is that every girl wants the bragging rights to buying the Tubbo twins the most Valentines, which makes the day a competition between the girls, often times resulting in multiple cat fights. Last Valentines Day, our teacher actually asked Bill if we could just stay at home, but that nearly caused a riot.
Now, we enjoy extorting money from simple minded girls as much as the next guy (in fact, we’d bet that we like extorting money even more than the next guy), but we hate fueling governmental propaganda just as much. All Valentines Day is is something created by the government to help the economy along by playing on innocent people’s love and goodwill. They’ve played this trick before: “Love Day”, “Teddy Bear Day”, “Hugs Day”… All reminders of the oppression. Why don’t you all see that these are scams? If we were in on the scam, it would be different and we’d probably support it, but trying to fool us? The Tubbos? Who do these corporate dolts think they are?
This is what they’ve tried to make Valentines Day into (and succeeded):
Plus, the whole Valentines Day gives slutty girls a reason to be even more slutty. At least with Halloween there is some reason to be semi-interested in (seriously, who doesn’t love scaring gullible kids?), but with Valentines Day, all you got are some slutty girls and twenty hearts per household, plus some random naked fairy with arrows thrown in for no reason at all.
Which brings us to something we like to call “Project YXZ”. It’s our prototype for a new holiday with none of that love crap. In this holiday (which we are thinking about calling “Mega-Tubb0-Death Day of Ultimate Chaos and Stuff”), instead of a cupid flying around shooting people with love arrows made of cartoonish looking hearts, there will be twenty armed-&-cloaked rangers per town lurking around corners. We warn you that these bow-slingers are very real (which reminds us. Cupid isn’t real, and neither is the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus. Get a job). Whenever an unsuspecting person passes a corner, he will be shot down with real arrows and will die a real death. What fun! No more of that lovey-dovey crap. We’d like to see someone fall in love (or breath for that matter) once they’ve been hit with our arrows!
Then, instead of stores selling hyped-up cards bearing so-called warmth and joy, stores will be stocking time bombs. They will be randomly placed inside normal-looking products. About one in every hundred buyer will be given not the toothbrush or stuffed animal he thinks he’s buying, but a deadly bomb that is set to blow up the next day. We think this’ll add a little suspense to our already genius holiday.
All this will be taking place on February 14th, so that means that Valentines Day will either have to move out and find another day that’ll take it in along with it’s unwelcome company, or just disappear. We vote for the second option, but as long as “Mega-Tubb0-Death Day of Ultimate Chaos and Stuff” becomes a holiday, we couldn’t care less. All this probably won’t happen until next year though, so you all will have to wait another whole year before being gruesomely dispatched by arrows. How ever will you stand the wait? In the meantime, we’ll keep thinking up ideas because we are wonderful people and we want you to have the time of your life on this special, special day. Until then, we’ll just have to dodge our Valentine groupies. It won’t be easy though, as they all know our address and schedule…