Snatched from the Jaws of Death


The title we made, “Snatched from the Jaws of Death”, is pretty accurate if you switch the “Snatched from” part and replace it with a “Punched”.  Yep, yesterday Death tried to claim one of us Tubbo’s, so we gave it a hard punch in the mouth and it left us alone.  That’s how you deal with Death.

We were on our custom-made 80 gear traction-resistant bikes when we came to the local bike dunes.  There were all these dorky teenagers trying to pull off some jumps but they were sucking horribly, so we decided to show them how to do it the right way.  Some of you might think that we should have minded our own business and leave them alone.  Now, that probably would have been a good idea (whoa!  You came up with an almost-good idea!), but if you would have seen them…  Seriously, if we had a 1-year-old kid sister who had never biked before in her life, she would have been better than these fools without trying (of course, that goes without saying because anyone related to us automatically rules at everything).  One of the teenagers tried to do a simple wheelie and fell straight on his face.  We were embarrassed to be within 10 miles of them.  And, of course, we kicked the guy whose face was bleeding because no one embarrasses the Tubbo’s a gets away with it.  

Anyway, we decided to teach them all a lesson and headed over to a particularly big jump.  And when we say big, we mean BIG.  Some of you nerds are thinking something more like a 15 foot jump, right?  No no no.  Wrong.  When we say big, we mean something like a 35-40 foot jump.  We were biking up to the jump, getting ready to show all those losers how cool people bike when everything went all wrong.

Note:  Not only is this note here to annoy you so it takes you a bit longer to find out what went wrong, but also to bring to light something important.  While both Tubbo’s (as in both Tubbo & Dubba Tubba) went up to the jump, only Dubba Tubba actually jumped- Tubbo was going to wait until Dubba Tubba finished and then go on, but as you’ll see in a minute, he never got a chance.

…When everything went wrong.  The sky exploded in the heat of raw power.  Lightning burst and hit Dubba Tubba’s bike which blew into flames!  Dubba Tubba drew his 10-foot Dragon Blade and… Well, no, that didn’t happen, but wouldn’t that be cool?

What really happened was this:  suddenly, and without any provocation, the chains in Dubba Tubba’s bike jammed at the exact moment Dubba Tubba hit the top of the jump.  With little-to-no acceleration because of the jammed chain, Dubba Tubba fell instead of flew.  To emphasize how bad this is, we drew up a small illustration. Sometimes words are not enough.

To sum it up in the words of an idiot, this situation “wasn’t very good”.  Both of us were sure that he wan’t gonna come out of this alive.  The bike feel into the spikes with a sickening crunch and we both thought Dubba Tubba was next.  Many years later, Dubba Tubba would say that his life flashed before his eyes.  “All the good parts too, like the time I punched the little kid in the face and the time I threw a pail of acid on the Babysitter.  It was like TV only better ’cause there wasn’t any commercials!” states Dubba Tubba.

Dubba Tubba was inches from the ground (and the spikes) when it happened…  Dubba Tubba sprouted wings, punched Death in the face for trying to claim his life, and flew away back to Bill’s (our dad’s) house.  We don’t have to do anything we don’t want to.  Yeah, we’re actually serious this time.  Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?  

And that was that.  We got home at about the same time (Tubbo is often called “Speedwalker Grey”).  The only bad thing about this experince is that Dubba Tubba never got his bike back from Death.  Stupid Death.

So that’s what you do when Death comes knocking.  Just punch it in the face.  Owned.

UPDATED JANUARY 6th:   We got some confused emails asking if this post is in anyway related to the earlier post we made a month or two ago titled “We’ve Been Diagnosed With Lung Cancer“.  It isn’t.  That post was nothing but a scheme made to steal gullible people’s money.


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