Monthly Archives: December 2008

Next Election, We’re Voting Green Party

That picture right there should settle it for you- if a horribly aged hippie thinks that voting for the Green Party is the thing to do, it’s the thing to do.  We can’t understand why anyone would vote for the half-assed “Republican” party (please note the sarcastic tone we’re implying by the parenthesis’s marks), or, even worse, the Deeeeeemocratic party.  Ick.

As many of you loyal Tubbo fans already know, we live in Australia, so the political blogs that flooded WordPress a month ago had nothing to do with us (except maybe spawning our post “We’re NOT Going Politcal” – Opens new window).  Of course, with so many blogs flying around such as those, we had little choice but to read up on them, which is the reason that we know a fair bit about politics in the U.S.A.  Oh, but please note that we do not, in any way shape or form, encourage the learning of things that matter (unless your being forced to by some sort of school, in which case you should run away and never return).  We actually feel a bit guilty about reading up on something that the school didn’t require.  We’re sorr-  Never mind.

Anyway, once we read up on a (small) amount of the issues the Democrats and Republicans stood for, we decided that they both sucked.  Actually, we found slight similarities to the Star Wars battles-  The Republicans versus Darth Vader, only instead of the Republicans being good and righteous (like they were in Star Wars), they were corrupt and evil.  Sorta more like “Ooo, lets take over the world and stuff!” rather than “Let’s not be evil and stuff.”  Of course, Darth Vader and the Democrats are already basically the same, so no adjustments need to be made.  We can’t see why Republicans and Democrats don’t get along!  They’re both evil!  Of course, we suppose that they disagree on the smaller issues like abortion, so that probably puts a little tension on the relationship.

For the Motherland!

We think the Stormtrooper armor fits Bush just fine, don’t you?  The reason we aren’t making an insulting parody of Obama as well is because we don’t want a thousand hatemail messages telling us we’re racists even though we just clearly insulted a white man as well.  You know, nowadays it seems that the smallest of things brands you racist for life.  If you punch both a white guy and a black guy in the face, you are (of course) racist for hitting the black guy, because that’s clearly a hate crime, right?  And if you don’t vote for Obama, that marks you racist as well.  It’s far to easy to become a racist these days.  Let’s say you voted for McCain (bad choice): that obviously means you’re a racist, so why not go the full mile and join a hate-cult?  You’re all idiots.

Anyway, we think it’s obvious that we don’t like either of these guys, so we started looking for something we could support.  Scary, huh?  The Tubbo’s being supportive of something other than themselves?  What’s happening to the world?!

We found the Green Party!

In fact, the other day we had a mock-election in our Kindergarten class.  Two of the students were nominated to become class president (nerds, no doubt), and we were told to vote for whoever we thought could run the job better.  Since we had not been nominated, we couldn’t vote for ourselves, so you know what we did?  We went Green Party!

picture-12We just put Candidate’s “A” and “B” because their names don’t matter next to the Green Party.

The votes were tallied, and after one long hour of extreme tension, the results were shown.  They were:  Candidate “A” – 47%.  Candidate “B” – 49 %.  Other – 2%.  Yes, the two percent were us, and obviously the Other thing is the Green Party!  Of course, the Green Party didn’t win, so, being the politically opposed citizens we are, we didn’t mind that the measures we took to get our nominee into office are what some (simple-minded) people would call…  Err…  Drastic.

Green Party wasn’t even an option and we still voted for it!  That’s how devoted we are.

Next election we can vote in (which should take place in about 14 years), we’re voting Green Party.  True, we don’t any of the things they support, nor the things they opposed, but how bad can they be?  Goooo Green Party!  Woot!  Hippies unite!

The Green Party puts the “Party” in the word “Party”.  We made a pun!

 

 

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Arts & crafts for the artless & craftless

We were having arts and crafts in our Kindergarten class the other day.  Our teacher, who isn’t one to stifle the creativity of younglings such as us, gave us free reign and instructed us to build “whatever our hearts told us”.  Unfortunately, she didn’t realize quite how black our hearts really are.  Needless to say, she regretted the instructions the moment they lift her wrinkled lips.  The lips she used to kiss the head-of-district that very morning.  The lips we glued together after we saw that nasty act.

While the other students were building the pathetic projects that looked like any other 5-year-old’s work, we were hard at work on something much more important.  While Dubba Tubba fetched the uranium stash we keep in our lockers, I (Tubbo) drew up the blue prints.  What were we planning on building?  A nuclear weapon.  

Of course, the sound of electric fusions and the small explosions of the transplants would worry our dear teacher, so we spent most of the class inside the boys bathroom.  After an hour of work, we came back into the class room with our heads held high carrying this:

Homemade nuke

We think we surpassed most of our fellow students “mommy-will-love-it” quality projects, don’t you?  But unfortunately, our Teacher didn’t quite agree, as she called the coppers the minute she set eyes on it.  Since then, all she does is sit in the corner of the room mumbling something about “Breach of International security” to no one in particular.  We just don’t understand what the problem was- the missile worked and everything!!  We even had the coordinates of the town we wanted to bomb (Tokyo.  We never liked Japanese food.)!  What wasn’t to love?

We haven’t even gotten to hold the missile since the coppers took it away, but we DID manage to get ourselves a week long suspension while Bill and the cops sort through the legal work.  It was worth it.

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Time Are Getting Tough, But We Do What We Can.

All over the world, (1st world) countries are feeling the devastation of inflation and governmental bankruptcy.  People are getting laid off, looking for work, and even losing their homes.  It’s a dark age indeed, and, as you can imagine, a scary place to be a kid.  Being the innocent Tubbo’s we are, we don’t really know what to think.  Of course, our dad Bill has more money than he knows what to do with, so we aren’t in any real danger, but our friends and close relations are feeling the full force of all of it, and we don’t like seeing people close to us in pain.

We do the only thing we can do, and what any human being with a heart would do…

Hand out fake job applications!

Un-fake and stuff

We’ve seen lines and lines of people waiting outside a successful business office waiting for job interviews, so what do we do?  Tell them that the local college is looking for teachers and that they’ve all been hired!!  You’d be surprised how quickly people jump out of the line (where, by coincidence, they had an opportunity to get a great job)- two guys even got into a fight to the death over the last fake application.   Poor Jimmy…

The best part is that after filling these out, they put down dozens of other employment opportunities because they think they have a job with us, which they don’t!  We’ve cost thousands of people their homes!  Actually, we think we put our Uncle Albert onto the streets this way!  What fun!

We love taking advantage of the desperation of unfortunate people during this hard times…

We’re such good people.

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In the Time it Took Her to Write About “Not Writing a Love Song”, She Coulda Written a Love Song

We were listening to the radio the other day (or, in other words, allowing sucky pop ballads to pierce our ears because pain is “bracing”) when a certain song caught our ear:  Love Song by Sara Bareilles (if you don’t have iTunes 8.0 or above, screw you).  The song itself is fairly sub-par.  Not terrible like most of the songs we hear played over the radio, but nothing great, like say, Iron Maiden.  But the quality itself isn’t what caught our attention.  No, it was the lyrics of the song that made us stop and stare.

The song’s chorus goes something like “I’m not gonna write you a love song…”, and the verses that follow talk about some whiny brat crying about how her boyfriend asks to much of her, and how she refuses to write him a love song for the obvious reason of not wanting to succumb to males.  Of course!  That’s what anyone normal person would do, right?  No.  What a child.

  Lets backtrack- so far, facts we’ve learned from this song are:

  • Sara Bareilles is a whiny witch who complains about everything.
  • She likes to deny her boyfriend the basic necessities (like food, shelter, a love song now and then, etc.).
  • She doesn’t really “love” her boyfriend (as if there is such a thing), as she refuses to write him a love song, even though he begged her.
  • She likes taunting men she dates by writing songs about not writing loves songs (and then profoundly labeling it “Love Song”).

So we are forced to conclude:

  • Sara Bareilles = Evil mind-warping poop (Evil mind-warping poop = Sarah Palin)

Yep, that’s right.  Sara Bareilles is actually Sarah Palin in disguise.  They even share the same name!  Sorta.  …Well, they probably aren’t the same people, but you never know…

What really bugs us about this song, besides the fact that it sucks, is that in the time it took her to write “I’m not gonna write you a love song”, she coulda written the guy a love song.  Really, why waste time writing about how you aren’t gonna write a love song when you could be using the time to write a love song?  How do songs like this get played on the radio?  Sara Bareilles is probably some psycho woman liberation campaigner who uses speeches and bombs to get the liberating point across, which is why she wrote a song about not writing a love song.  Stupid liberals, trying to pretend like they don’t need us men…  Or Tubbo’s.

You know another thing that’s wrong with this song?  There isn’t any profanity.

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Are You a Babbling Idiot? Take This Test and Find Out!

If you are reading this, you failed the test and are a babbling idiot.  Only idiots click Idiot Test links.

There is nothing we hate more than going to a cool site and having the entire experince ruined by huge obnoxious banners floating around in the sidebars with nothing better to do than flash their terrible bright colors at us, telling us to click on them, as if all our hopes and dreams will be fulfilled if we click a link bringing us to their crappy site where we can play rigged games and take idiot tests that don’t work in the first place ’cause it’s impossible to judge someones IQ by scoring them on how well they did in the 5 worthless questions the site posed!  Any site that has a “Click Here To Take The Idiot Test” should be condemned.

What’s worse is that the entire Internet is flooding with them.  Just look at how many search results we got when we typed in the words “idiot quiz” on Google:

It’s literally scary on how dumbed-down the Internet has gotten over the years.

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All We Want for Christmas is Peace on Earth

All we want for Christmas is word peace?  Ha, try video games, iPods, CDs, and cash.  Is there anything better than cash?  Well, bombs are good too…

As everyone knows, December 25th is a very special day.  A very special day indeed…  It’s the international honor the Magnolias Tree Day!  Hooray!  Oh, and we’re told it Christ-something day as well.

Anyhow, welcome to the first ever Tubbo Site Christmas Post!  This post is all about the upcoming Christmas (surprise surprise)!  …Which reminds us.  We’ve heard all these people on TV talking about how it’s impolite to say “merry Christmas”, and how we should say “happy Holidays” instead so we don’t discriminate people from different religions.  We’re going to tell you straight up that that is pure BS.  We never were one for manners (plus, we like discrimination), but that’s not the problem.  The problem is that saying happy Holidays is censorship.  

Why should they (“they” being some big faceless guy in the government) control what we say and hear everyday?  We’ll say merry Christmas if we want!!  We picture the scenario for the whole happy Holidays scheme going like this: Someone from the U.S. government (Sarah Palin most likely) decides “Huh.  I don’t like the whole ‘merry Christmas’ thing today.  I think we should say ‘happy Holidays’ instead.”  Some other government guy asks her why she doesn’t like it.  Sarah Palin, being Sarah Palin, responds “I dunno.” and the guy says “OK.” and it becomes a law.  Simple as that.  Well, we Tubbo’s aren’t gonna compromise our beliefs from some stupid Communist in the government.  MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!  And God bless us, everyone.  Uh oh.  Here come the censorship police.

Now that we got that out of system, we wanna talk to you all about something very important that’s been plaguing Christmas literally forever.  More important than government money, government oppression, or bombs- picking out the right Christmas Tree.

Everyone knows that Christmas Tree prices have skyrocketed lately, and they weren’t low to begin with in Australia.  Where we live, they’ve reached record price of $250.00.  Crazy, huh?  Many people around us have opted to go the artificial tree route.  Or, as we like to call it, the hippie wannabe tree route.  We of course, are buying REAL trees for every room in our mansion, but many people aren’t that lucky, so we devised some tips to help the less fortunate afford trees this year.

  • Steal the neighbor’s tree.

Easy, simple, and to the point.  Just steal the neighbor’s tree.  How hard can that be?  Of course, realize that you could be ruining the families Christmas, traumatizing the children, and potentially putting the neighbor’s onto the streets.  Oh well.  Bonus points if you cut it down from their yard.

  • Can’t afford ornaments?  Hang the kids!

Actually, even if you can afford ornaments, hang ’em.

  • If at all possible, try not to let the tree catch fire.

This one is a bit vital.  Of course, if you don’t think you can do this step, you can just repeat step 1.

And there you have it- the way to pick out the very best Christmas Tree and what to do with it.  The tree is obviously very important, not only because it gives us the air we breath everyday and supplies life and all that crap, but because it is the cradle of life to the real meaning of Christmas- the presents.  You know.  Besides all that other stuff.  But presents can hold just as much trouble as the Christmas Tree can.  Not receiving presents.  That’s the easy part.  But people who give presents, and then ask for them back.  Aunts and Uncles everywhere give out great presents like CD Players or grenade launchers, and then start dropping subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) hints that they want the gift back.  Ignore these hints, Tubbo fans.  Once the gift has traded hands, it’s no longer the purchaser’s.  It’s yours.  If it was a matter of life and death and the person who gave us a gift needed it back, we’d let the die.  At least we’d have the gift to soother our semi-guilty conscience. 

Some common attempts to get a gift back are:  

“Well gee, now I want one!”  Uncle Albert once tried this one on us.  He reward was, not the gift back, but a mouthful of teeth.  His own teeth.  

“Wow, the things I could do with this!”  We heard this one when we got a deluxe olive-pitter 2001.  It turned into an eyeball gouger after we were through with the person.  

“I’d loooooove one of those…”  We’d looooove to have the Aunt who tried this on us back.  Sadly, we can’t bring back the dead.

“Gimme that present back!!”  Actually, that’s one we tried.  And imagine this- it worked.

Well, that’s it for the Christmas Post.  We gotta get back to decking the halls with balls of Hollister models!  Thank you!  Good-night!

 

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Looks Like Libraries Aren’t Useless After All

Our Internet Connection did the impossible two evenings ago- it got, in the most scientific terms we can think of, screwed over.  Despite the multiple storm damage adjustments we purchased, the many back-up cables we got, the several connectors and servers we bought, it went out.  

We had a pretty intense lightning storm  a couple of days ago(intense for northern Australia anyway…), and when it was done, we tried logging on to the Internet, but this dreadful message popped up:

Noooo!

It’s like an old friend whom we lost on the shortest of terms!  A friend who pushed us into the mud, who shot us with an air-soft gun, a friend who called us names, but a friend none the less.  Yeah, what?

Anyway, we weren’t sure what to do after all this.  We needed entertainment, and fast!  Oh, and a side note:  if you’re looking for entertainment, don’t have access to a computer, video games, or a TV, do not, we repeat do not read the newspaper comics.  We learned that from experience. We are still having random bouts of vomit because of that mistake.  

So we couldn’t figure out what to do.  Of course, our first option was to piggyback off the neighbor’s Internet Connection, but then we remembered that the neighbor’s house was over 30 miles away.  The one time we want to be in contact with human life, and they are miles away from us.  Gosh, we hate people.

We’re starting to panic at this point when we are suddenly struck out of the blue by a spectacular idea- the library!  Obviously we hate all forms of literary which is probably the reason we didn’t think of the idea sooner, but we decide to go there anyway.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, right?  We figure that as long as we cover our eyes (to protect us from the rays of venom radiating of the books) we’ll be fine.  And actually, it worked!  

So the library came through for us in a pinch!  We were sure they’d charge some money to use the Internet (it’s what we’d do), but it was free!  Of course, we think we’d have ways to “convince” them to give it to us for free anyway, but we didn’t even need to resort to violent means!  It was a first time experience.  We’re not sure if we like it or not.

We’ve been writing this entire post on the library computer (we uploaded the picture off our email address), but we’re leaving now, as the librarians are giving us funny looks (at first we though they were admiring our outrageously handsome looks and incurable style, but now we’re not so sure).  We should have our Internet back in a few days, so don’t worry too much.  Maybe it would help if you sent us money.  Yes…  That would help…

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