We hate cows. Hate ’em, hate ’em, hate ’em. Them with their black spots and gross utters. Seriously, who actually likes cows? We don’t think there is a single person on earth who’d take a cow as a pet.
Sometimes at night, we dream. We dream good dreams. And those good dreams always involve us and a green hill full of little dandelions. We are strolling through when we come to a sunny farm scene straight out of a picture book. In that farm, there are cows. Lots and lots of cows, all grazing on grass. They are wearing daisy chains. Suddenly, both of us (Tubbo & Dubba Tubba) are fully equipped with a barrage of heavy weaponry. Shotguns, rocket launchers, axes, snipers… Everything. And suddenly the cows stop moving, as if they want to run away but they can’t. We smile to ourselves, and then the massacre begins. And we laugh, and the world laughs with us, and all is well.
Ok, that may seem a little violent and insane (like the dream of a madman), but we hate cows. They aren’t good for anything except maybe a hamburger now and then, or maybe a glass of milk every so often. But we don’t need them! We can get milk and meat from other places! Have you ever tried mouse milk? Sure, it doesn’t taste the best, and if it had to get graded, it would probably be “Z” milk, but no one cares about that kinda stuff, do they? No one cares about taste and quality. If they did, McDonald’s wouldn’t be nearly as popular as it is.
And that’s another thing about cows! They fuel evil corporations like McDonald’s and Global Warming Inc! Although we don’t believe in Global Warming (A Convenient Propaganda Fueling LIE is more like it), if we did believe it, we’d know who to blame. Cows! Did you know that if we slaughtered all the cows on earth, pollution percents would drop by, like, 50 percent or something? Well, we made that up, but cow farts DO fuel stuff like that. If a beings fart can kill plants up to a five mile ratios, how important can the animal be? What kinda creature can kill stuff with it’s farts? It’s like a monster killing machine with polka dots and bad gas!
That’s why we propose that everyone who reads this should go out and kill two cows. Together we can change the world! Sure, hippies (and the police) might not like it, but in years to come, we who killed the cows will be the ones who they praise! THEY WILL BUILD STATUES IN OUR NAME! Come forth, brothers! To a better, cow-free tomorrow! See you in jail.