How To Commit Perfect Murder

Some murders don’t think of murder the right way.  They think of murder as just a way of bumping off some guy they don’t like.  We, however, think of murder as an art form.  Sure, you could take an AK47, walk up to ____ (insert teacher, sibling, average joe, etc.) and blast his/her/their brains out, but what fun would that be?  Where’s the planning?  The clues?  The sense of victory?  With these homemade ways of killing, you’ll get all that and more!  Just follow these superb ways of murder, and you’ll be in jail, happy, in no time flat!  You may even go out killing people you don’t know, just for the fun of it, which is fine of course.

  • The Britney Bomb

Simple and to the point.  Just pop in a Spears CD into a high-powered stereo (turn it up to, err, 11) when the target is walking in, have a STRONG set of ear plugs (or better yet, fly to the next state), and watch the results.

WARNING:  May be messy, as ears may or may not explode.  Make sure you have good cleaning supplies just in case.

Although this one is a bit unnecessarily cruel, the chances of this murder killing the victim is 100%.  Satisfaction guaranteed.  Of course, this is by no means a silent kill.  The victim is sure to scream when Britney Spear’s voice makes contact with the his/her eardrums.  The GOOD part of this murder is the fact that few people will suspect a Britney Spears CD to be a lethal weapon.  Sure, your music reputation is completely ruined, and people might start giving you weird looks, but a tool for murder?  Never.

Other CDs that will work (if a Britney Spears CD is unavailable):

– Infinity on High by Fall Out Boy

– Best of Both Worlds by Hannah Montanna/Miley Cyrus

– R.O.O.T.S. by Flo Rida

– Fearless by Taylor Swift

  • Jesus Flames

Pray to God to smite down some random guy you don’t like.  That HAS to work!  Right?…  Right?  Well no, but maybe you’ll get lucky.  And if it does work, it’ll be great because, except for several burning buildings, ashes and bones, and a huge crater in the middle of the road, there would be literally no evidence a murder took place.  Actually, terrorists would likely be blamed, the union would collapse, and the end of world would occur (in best case scenario), but hey!  You got murdered someone who disrupted your worthless life!  It’s worth it!


  • The McDonald’s Poisoning

DEATH BY SAMICH.  Pretty cool tag-line, right?  Unfortunately, there is nothing “cool” about this form of murder.  Sneak a Big Mac into the targets every meal for about a week.  Every can of soup, every pack of yogurt is a deadly form of poison in this method of murder.

After about a week of this, the victim will have a McDonald’s induced heart attack!  The best part is, the police will think the guy had just gone crazy and ate too much fast-food!  If any suing goes on, it’ll be the suing of McDonald’s!

Let us know if you kill anybody using these techniques.










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