Monthly Archives: November 2008

How to Ruin an Otherwise Good Gaming System

1.  Include an game minute counter.

There is no #2 or #3 or #4.  That is the best and only way to simply destroy a system.

A game minute counter is something stupid companies put into a system to keep track of how long you’ve been playing, so if you play a game for an hour or something, you can view that play time.  It’s the absolute worst thing developers can put into a system, and has been the death of countless good games.

The Wii fell prey to the death trap that engulfs so many systems nowadays.  We imagine gaming companies thinking “what extras can we put in our system?”.  Eventually, they think of putting a minute counter in so people can keep track of how long they’ve been playing.  Seems like a good idea at first, right?  Well, no, we can’t imagine how someone would think that a minute counter would be a good idea, even for a margin of a second, but we try to sympathize nonetheless.  What we can’t understand is why  waste space and memory on the counter when there are so many better possibilities.  If we were in the gaming industry, we’d use the extra space for something cool like alien tracking or virus implants or something.

It seems like a waste to put a counter into a gaming system, but that’s not the reason we hate them so much.  We hate them because it’s like a beacon to parents everywhere looking for an excuse to ground their kid.  They see the kid has made his bed, cleaned his room, and taken out the trash.  He even made them a cup of tea after dinner.  But wait!  They check his Wii counsel, and find that he played SSBB for ten more minutes than we was supposed to!  “Please!”  the youth pleads.  “I lost track of time!  I swear!”  But it’s to late.  The guillotine comes down with a sickening squelch.

Well, most parents don’t do that (but you never know…), but you might get in trouble for playing too long.  Nintendo in particular is infamous for siding with the parents on issues like these.  In our mind, this is nothing short of betrayal. Nintendo promises children as young as 10 hours of game playing fun with a huge selection of action-packed fun, and then they turn around and give the parents all these parenting control-freak features to keep the kid from playing the games.  They have the PIN number-password to keep kids from playing Rated M games, they have the minute counter to make sure the kids aren’t playing to long…  They even have this huge “WHY NOT TAKE A BREAK” sign in Wii Sports that pops up at you every 5 minutes, trying to discourage you from playing a game that probably put parents on the streets and selling their furniture trying to afford!  We paid for this game, and we’ll play it for however long we want!

The worst part is that soon, gaming systems will be following Nintendo’s lead.  Eventually even the smallest of systems like the DS will be tracking down minutes, reporting if you play to long, even emailing your parents if you spend a minute more than you’re supposed to.  It’s like an evil nerd-fueled organization designed to cripple our generation, and it’s succeeding.  But we won’t stand for it!  We’re not gonna take it!  Someday, we’ll make Tubbo-tendo Inc., where you have to play at least 4 hours everyday (naturally, if you don’t play long enough, it’ll give you 10V charges to keep you from quitting), E rated games to T games will be banned (kids caught playing E – T games will be prosecuted), and all minute counters will be burned in a forest fire (which we caused). 

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Looks Like the Idiot Learned a New Word…

The other day we were flipping through the iTunes Store.  We came to “Weird Al” Yankovic (apparently he’s “big” in America?) and listened to a few of his songs.  They were pretty funny, so we “bought” a few (LimeWire rocks hard).  Then, as we always do, we went to reviews and clicked on the “Worst Reviews” page.  We love looking at what the dummies have to say about a good album.  Speaking of which, have you noticed that they all use the same insults like “You Call This Music?” or “I’d Rather (Insert Something Like Eat Poop) Than Listen To This!”?  We can just picture old Gramps typing a review like that…

Anyway, we came to a review written by “they made me type in a nickname”.  How droll, right?  Way to make a totally overused name.  Is this really what the public views as witty?  We’ve only seen about 100 reviewers with a name similar to that.  Just by looking at the name we know this guy is gonna be totally revolutionary.  We check out his reviews and find that he calls Yankovik’s album “Disturbing”.  No reason, no review per se, just a one star rating and a title that says disturbing.  We couldn’t help but ask ourselves “Why?”.

We decided we couldn’t let idiocy like this go unchecked.  We look up the reviews he made for other things on iTunes and find that apparently every album/single/book he doesn’t like automatically sucks (he gives it a one star rating) and is undoubtably “disturbing”.  We think it may be a hippie in disguise.

Anyway, for the good of the entire Tubbo community, we’ve taken screenshots of the albums he finds “disturbing”.  We’ve circled the disturbing parts of his review in red.

Let Me Talk To You: Admittedly, this IS a disturbing video (of course, as it’s got Timerlake in it), and we’d approve of this review if it was the only one of it’s kind.  Unfortunately, this is only the beginning of albums marked disturbing by this twisted, twisted youth.picture-151

Bat Out of Hell 3:  Oh my gosh, it has a dragon on the cover!  Scary!  Seriously, “PRETTY DISTURBING”?  Yeah, that about sums up a 12+ song album.  Our confidence in this guys sanity slowly fading, we hop to the next review.

Chain Hang Low: So now non-explicit rap is disturbing?  Someone needs to get this guy help (note how he spells a simple word like “disappointed” wrong).  We go to the next review, although we already know what it’s gonna be like.

P!nk: This was a review for a P!nk music video, but we didn’t include the image because we didn’t wanna shock our viewers.  Her videos are weird, yes, but disturbing?  The only one we find disturbing is this reviewer.  We decide to lock and bolt our doors and windows (just in case) before going to the next review…picture-193

MCR’s Helena: We watched this video, and it turns out that it IS an emo video, but disturbing?  Well, maybe if you’re are four-year-old.  Who went to a private school.  And is in a mental ward.  Oh, and do any of you guys know what “Bas” music is?  Or what it means if you’re a little “sorcer”?  Are these terms something we should know?

We bought this just to piss him off.

White & Nerdy: This one just made us furious.  How in the world do you call “Weird Al” disturbing?  It’s incredible!  It blows our mind that people like this manage to breath, much less boot up a computer.  This video is the last thing in the world we’d call disturbing.

There were probably more albums this guy called disturbing, but we stopped because we started feeling a bit sick.

This leaves us to conclude that we’ve been making fun of a ten year old who looked up “scary” in the thesaurus, found the word “disturbed”, and decided to put it into use in the most absurd way he could think of.  Of course, he never really grasped the meaning of it, probably thinking it meant something like bad.  Ahh, now we feel all bad for making fun of him.  Just kidding.  We hope we made him cry.

 

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Dead and Unemployed? Why Not Haunt Kids?

So you’ve got this great job, right?  Cashier at McDonald’s?  Construction Worker?  Beggar?  All great jobs when you’re alive.  But we bet you haven’t thought about what your gonna do when you’re dead.  You keep putting it off and then, 50 years from now when you die of something stupid like an aneurysm or something, you’re left dead and unemployed.  What then?  What’ll happen to your already dead and rotting family?  They’ll starve!  Well, they probably have already died of starvation in the first place (purely your fault for dying at an inconvenient time), but they might die again.  …We wonder if that’s possible…

You’re probably thinking, “Well, what can I do when I’m dead?  How do I avert this horrible tragedy?  Is there any hope for me?”.  Well, we can’t honestly say that there is hope for your soul once you move on, but there is something to do when you’re waiting…  Why not haunt children?The Living Dead

Sure, the pay isn’t quite what some greedy people would like, but otherwise, it’s the perfect occupation for the dead!  It’s pretty easy, too.  How hard is it to scare some little kids?  And if you’re really good at it, you can scar them for life!  Why should parents have all the fun of tormenting kids into insanity?

Some wimps might opt to haunt something stupid like a house, but REAL men haunt little defenseless children.  

Too many people have died without planning for death.  They keep thinking “Oh, I’m not gonna die today.  Why worry about it?” and BANG!  A car crashed into them the instant they have the thought.  Don’t let it happen to you.

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Carnival or Death Trap? You Decide.

Actually, no-  We’ll decide for you, and we decide upon the “Death Camp” option.  Picture this:  We are walking around a small Australian town at twilight, looking for a little something to do.  The sun is just beginning to set.  It really is the perfect time of day.  The sky is blood red with pink streaks etching across the blue, and all the youngsters are starting to be called in my they’re mothers. The delightful smell of freshly popped popcorn fills our noses.  We look around to see what wafted the buttery aroma, and what do our eyes land on?  A carnival!  Balloons are rising from the big tent, cotton candy is being sold, and just general merriment is taking place. “Why not spend our evening here?”  we ask ourselves.  It’ll be fun!

WRONG.

We stroll in and, to our horror, it’s not (technically) a carnival at all!  It’s a Death Camp.  Designed to lure in unsuspecting children, Death Camps are the number one leading cause of fatalities.  Sort of.  All the rides are rickety, the popcorn is years old, and the fun houses are all covered in shattered glass, rusty nails, and hypodermic needles.

We decided we’d risk a gander into the “amusement” park (we were very bored) just to see if maybe there was a semi-safe rise somewhere in there, but as it turns out, that was a very bad idea.  We tried going on the roller coaster (we like to call it the Suicide Coaster, as there is a missing board right in front of the 50 foot lunge.  How fun!  It’s like getting a ride and a death for the price of one)…  Well, we managed to get off just in time.

We tried our luck on the Rodeo of Horror (correctly named), which is a big wheel you get strapped into.  Then the wheel turns on a 90 degree angle (sometimes it turns on a 180 angle for the unlucky ones) and spins faster and faster.  What an amazing ride!  The only problem with this one is the fact seat belts they give you are a little shady.  When the ride stops, the seat belts are designed to stop you from falling out 20 feet off the ground onto hard cement.  The thing is, sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t.

We ended up grabbing a cotton candy stick and leaving.  We bought to pink ones, left the Death Camp (fair), and started to bite into them, when we found something in one of them.  Oh, we know what you’re thinking!  It’s gonna be a shard of glass or toxic pill or something sinister like that!  No, don’t worry, all it was was a human finger.

It's A Trap!

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The Sun Sucks, So Why Not Blow It Up?

Sounds like a good idea to us.  The Sun sucks, so why not blast it out of the sky?  We’ve never liked the Sun- it’s too bright and annoying.  We’ve had to suffer nearly every day of our young lives because of the stupid Sun shining down on us, making the sky pretty and blue.  Nearly makes us sick.

The only refuge we have are rainy days.  Those are the times we Tubbo’s shine.  The rest of the days are filled with torment and misery.  Why?  What, we didn’t forget to mention we’re both vampires, did we?

The Sun really doesn’t have any right to be up in the sky.  It’s too big and yellowish.  It should be falling right this second!  If it doesn’t have our authorization to be in the sky, it shouldn’t be.  After all, nothing goes on in this world without our say so, and if it can’t teach us the flying trick, it shouldn’t be able to do it.  Honestly, is there anything the Sun is good for?

We can live without it!  We have technology!  We have the numbers all worked out- blow up the Sun, and replace it with a huge can of Tomato Soup.  Genius!

Sure, our planet basically revolves around it, but that’s another thing that bugs us.  The world should revolve around us. This Sun is just a glory hog.  We hate it.  Let’s blow it up.  All we need are some nuclear missiles…  Found ’em.

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We’ve Been Diagnosed With Lung Cancer

There has also been severe complications, including (but not limiting to) tumors located near our membranes, internal bleeding, and a ruptured appendix. 

We’re dying.  Please send donations (out of the goodness in your heart) to “tubbotwins” via wordpress.com.  Any amount is  is welcome, but $50.00+ is recommended.  Please…  Save your international Tubbo’s.

 

 

We’re just…  Waiting at death’s door.  Please.  Help us.  (Check out the real interview below):

Interviewer (Who’ll remain nameless):  Hello, Tubbo Twins.  So, how are you dealing with likely death?

Tubbo:  I dunno.

Dubba Tubba:  I think what really pulled both of us through is the donations our viewers sent.

Interviewer:  Mmm hmm.  And what are a few of the things you two want to do before you die?

Tubbo:  I wanna jump of the Great Wall of China.

Dubba Tubba:  I wanna eat a volcano.

Interviewer:  Umm…  Eat?

Dubba Tubba:  You got a problem with that?

Interviewer:  No no, of course not.

Tubbo:  Dubba Tubba, just leave the poor man alone.

Dubba Tubba:  No Tubbo, I think this guy has a problem with my life dream!

Interview:  I think I’ll be leaving…  The interview seems to be over…

Dubba Tubba:  You’s ain’t goin’ nowheres ’till you tell me what the hell’s wrong wit’ my dream!

–At this point, the interview ended, as the Interviewer made a dash for the door, but didn’t quite get out before Dubba Tubba caught him.  Needless to say, the Interviewer won’t be doing any interviews anymore.  Seriously, who wouldn’t wanna save people like the Tubbo’s?

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A Question We’ll Ask God Someday…

How did the cavemen survive their entire lives without dentists when it seems like we have to see one every other day?

We think it’s a fair point.  If stupid cavemen can get by without ever going to the dentist (likely without brushing their teeth as well), we can to.  We’re superior Tubbo’s!  We don’t need some quacks help to improve our hygiene.  Our hygiene is just as good as a caveman’s!  Wait.  Never mind.  

They don’t even know how to use their computers!  Who has a computer they can’t even turn on?  This is what happened at our last visit…

Dr. D00m.

No exaggeration. 

We were in the waiting room awaiting absolute horror for about two hours before we finally were sent in.  Some fat old fart came in and ushered us to a room where they strapped us into a chair and lowered it so we were practically laying down.  That’s when the torturing started.  They got these sharp drill-like tools and start hacking away at our teeth!  We were numb with pain!  Well, that could have been the toxic chemicals they sprayed down our noses, but we think it was scraps of iron they shoved into our teeth.  The worst part was those polishing crap they gave us.  It makes this super high-pitched sound that gives us a headache…  Then the taste starts overwhelming us, and we start gagging.  We threw up about three times!  At least that got the intern dentist away from us.  Heh heh.

After an hour of coma-inducing evil, the “real” dentist (a professional at torment) came in and pulled out a computer.  He told us that once he got our info up, he would untie us from the chairs and let us go alive.  But he never got our info up (probably lucky, ’cause we might’ve been sent to jail if all the stuff we did popped up).

Try as this dentist man might, he couldn’t figure out how to start the computer!  He tried typing random buttons, he tried typing in a secret password, he even tried drop-kicking the computer, but nothing worked!  We were sitting there for an hour waiting for this psycho to boot up a computer!  He’s been working there for years, and he still can’t figure out how to start a Mac?  For shame!  If we weren’t gagged up (that’s what they do at these shifty organizations after they treat your teeth), we would have told the guy off!  Come to think of it, we could have also told him where the power button is located.

Finally, after all that, the guy gives up and lets us out.  He invites Bill into the room, which is always what they do when the dentists talk about us as if we weren’t there.  Actually, this time it turned out pretty well- Tubbo (me.)  got twelve cavities, and thirteen for me (Dubba Tubba!).  There was only one problem.  The doc. said we both have some cracked disease called “periodontal”.  Whatever that is.  Oh well.  Time to get some candy!

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