Monthly Archives: June 2008

Caillou. What a baldy.

There’s only one reason a kid should ever be that happy, and at Caillou’s age, we doubt it’s happened yet…

PBS Kids has a lot of strange, mind-warping shows on their channel; Arthur, Barney, Dragon Tales, etc. (not that we would know)…  But Caillou is the strangest of them all- by far.  Caillou is, in a word, evil.  And you know someone’s evil when it’s coming from guys who push old ladies and children in front of cars for laughs.

Based on a four year-old brat who happens to be bald, the kid goes through life whining, screaming, and carrying on about the smallest of things that make him uncomfortable.  If you’re a parent and believe your child is badly behaved, watch Caillou; things will instantly be put into perspective.

The problem is, it’s not parents who watch Caillou; it’s meant for kids.  Children all over the world are watching Caillou’s naughty tendencies, and are mimicking it.  Parents have seen once well-behaved kids turn into monstrous carbon-copies of the one called Caillou!  When will the horror finally end?  WHEN WILL IT ALL END?!

Even Caillou’s physical appearance is strange.  You see, Caillou is bald, which isn’t a trait that kids his age usually have.  We think he may have AIDs, but we aren’t really sure.  Maybe his parents, who are nearly as demented as he is, allowed him to shave it all off because he said “pretty please”- they just can’t seem to say “no” (if Caillou asked his parents if he could burn down the neighbor’s house, we guarantee they’d allow it, and throw in some bullcrap “see Caillou, that’s why fire is the wrath of God” type message to boot). We really have no idea.  Either way, Caillou is definitely a freak, and should locked up somewhere.

Watch Caillou whine on a YouTube video here.

Here are a few things that Caillou likes to say.  If you watch the episodes, you’ll see that he really does say these things.

“Mommy”:  “Look Caillou!  It’s raining!”

Caillou: “I hate the rain!”

Rosie (Caillou’s sister):  “Hi Calliou!  I love you!”

Caillou:  “Mooooomy!!  Make Rosie go away!”

“Mommy”:  Hello, Caillou.  Want to play a game?”

Caillou:  “Daaaady!!  Make mommy go away!”

Rosie:  “Can I play with this?”

Caillou:  “MINE!  Gimme!”

“Mommy”:  “Caillou, do you wanna go skydiving?”

Caillou:  “I don’t want to do that.”

“Mommy”:  “It’s time for Mommy to watch her favorite video, XXX Beach Action, Caillou.  You’ll have to finish your video game another time.”

Caillou:  “F**k you, mommy!”

Well, we may have taken a few liberties with the quotes, particularly the last one, but we think you get the idea.  Besides, it’s only a matter of time before Caillou starts saying things like this.

That annoying little brat is teaching kids to act whiny just like him.  Do we want our kids imitating a kid like this?  We think not.  If we saw an episode without Caillou throwing a tantrum, we honestly think we’d drop dead from shock.

We have to ban together to stop the evil rule of Caillou.  He is mushing the minds of the new generation, and it must be stopped.  We actually have a theory that Caillou’s bald head is somehow sending subliminal messages to kids (don’t tell anyone).  Stop the terror.  Stop the baldness.  Stop the Caillou.

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Get Your Mind Warped

Wanna get your mind warped?  Wanna go through life known as “That Weird Dude”?  Wanna have your outlook on life completely skewed?  Wanna have your brain become totally blended?  If you answered yes to all the past questions, it looks like someone twisted you mind already, and we are too late.  But if you answered yes to about half the questions, than read on, and glance at these before and after pictures!  This could be you.

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Do you wanna look like the before or after?  If you answered yes to a few of the questions we asked, we know which one you’d wanna look like.  You can barely recognize Dubba Tubba after he went through the mind bending process.  Keep reading, and you will be in the loony bin in no time.

Note: The loony bin is where every Lunatics’ dreams of going.  Think “The Big Time”.

  • The first step to becoming crazy is staying up until 5 in the morning every night.  If you aren’t reading this at 5 in the morning, you’re already failing.  You’re a failure.
  • The next part is to read every single Tubbo Article, and advise them to your friends.  Maybe donate your life savings.  And no, this isn’t “spam” or “advertisement”.  It’s part of the steps.
  • Next, start buying rubber chickens for no apparent reason.  This is so that your friends will get the picture of you being slightly off your rocker.  It’s boring being crazy without anyone knowing it.

If you aren’t getting rings around your eyes by this next stage, you are doing something wrong.

  • Now you need to purchase yourself a large, shiny ax.  A crazy person bearing an ax strikes fear into non-crazy peoples hearts.  For added effect, get yourself a scary hair cut, e.g. “Crazy Professor”.  After you are an expert ax-man, you can consider purchasing a chainsaw.
  • Start reading copies of Steven King books and Arthur Read books.  Don’t ask, just read.  Also try watching Alfred Hitchcock movies.  Heh heh… Hitchcock.
  • Eat only raw meat.  Preferably raw cow, or something of the sort.  Small dogs and cats you may find in your neighbors yard works too.

By now, you should be laughing to yourself, hunched back, and sitting by yourself in dark corners of the room.

  • Get glasses with spirals around them, and wear them 24/7.
  • Stop going outside.  For extra credit, stopping do everything except the basic necessities.  Maybe even stop doing those as well (quit eating, don’t drink water, etc.), but not to the point where you’re in danger of dying- that wouldn’t be fun -just to the point where you go insane.
  • Go into a dark room in front of a mirror and chant, “If your crazy and you know, it clap your hands…” etc.
  • Instead of watching TV, look at those spiral projectors that shows the lines looping around and around (beginner Nazi alert).

And that should do it!  If your mind isn’t bent by this point, you’re branded as NORMAL for life.  Just kidding.  You’re all freaks.  But if you are crazy inside, you should wake up in bed one night, and find yourself completely twisted!  Good luck in the Crazy House, psychos.

Note – Want more of our “warped” articles?  Read Let Us Spam You, The Magic Picture, and The Curious Case of a Man with Gelotophobia for more insane “twistia.”

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Let us spam you; we know you like it.

We recently made a new spam email to advertise for the Tubbo Site, and we liked it so much, we wanted to share it.  If you liked the email, sign up so you can receive them yourself!  Fun for the whole family!  Cancel Friday night movies, cuddle up next to the computer, and read aloud the email you received from us that morning!  The kids will love it!

__________________

To: Mark Harren (######@mac.com)

From: The Official Tubbo Website (######@theofficialtubbowebsite.com)

Hi Friend,
My name is Greg Chandel, and I just got back from my 10,000,000th visit to the Official Tubbo Website!  The Official Tubbo Website has forever changed my life, and it can change yours too!  I laughed!  I cried!  I lost 15 pounds!
The first time I visited their site, I thought it a little odd.  But upon further a-looksy, I realized the genius behind the beings called Tubbo and Dubba Tubba.
Do you wanna go to the website that completely altered my outlook on life (and twisted my brain as a bonus)?  Of course you do!
Did you get that?  I will give it too you again!
I used to have a family, a religion, and a home without wheels, but now all I have is the Tubbo Site, and I’ve never been happier!  Woo-hoo!
 
Go to the site now, and have you view on the world completely skewed!  A twisted site of humor, insults, and just plain greatness!  You should all be honored that the Tubbo’s let you view their site!  You don’t deserve the Tubbo Website!  IT’S A GIFT TO THE WORLD!  ACCEPT IT, GODDAMIT!  Let me make this scarily clear: visit the Tubbo Website now, or I will run your baby over with my lawn mower.  So visit.  Now.  Now.  NOW!
Allow me to end this invitation to the most warped party on the planet with the quote of a genius: “We rule everything.  We rule you, too.” -Tubbo Grey
Sincerely,
Gregory “Weirdo” Chandel
__________________
Want a spam email like this of your very own?  Sign up for our spam-mailing list here.  Normally we charge people for our spam emails, but now, just because you’re a special person (*pfft*), you can receive our spam emails FREE.  Lucky you!  Sign up now.  Or else we’ll spam you.
Gregory “Twisted” Chandel

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How Laziness Saved Our Life

–This Post Was Made Entirely By Tubbo–

–Most Posts Are Made By Both Tubbo & Dubba Tubba–

–But Not This One–

It all began on a blistering day in the backyard…

Nanny (our new babysitter since the original Babysitter got sent to jail) had just asked me to mow the lawn.  Dubba Tubba was hiding from Nanny because he put spiders in her dress, so he was no help.  I was forced into the garage to start the mower.  Of course, it was a riding mower, so it wouldn’t have been a lot of work, but I had better things to do then mow the lawn.  We have servants for trivial things like that.  But of course, Nanny didn’t care.  She isn’t paid to care (she’s paid to torture).

Normally, I like running over things with the riding mower, but I wasn’t in the mood.  But I didn’t have a choice in the matter this time.  So I had just started the lawn mower, when I heard a small ticking noise.  I passed it off as a faulty wire or some crap like that, and put the mower into “drive”.  But the lawn mower continued to tick.  “Screw it”, I muttered to myself.  I was already thinking of ways to run off and get out of the job, when I noticed that Nanny was still watching me (from behind a bomb shelter).  Suspicious?  Yeah.

Finally, I decided that to get out of mowing the grass, I would have to be suffering from slight heat stoke.  This was believable because it was like 95 out (Australia gets nasty heat, mate).  I had no sooner informed Nanny of my infliction and promised I would do it later tonight than the entire mower went up in flames!  Heat radiated, burning everything in a 10 feet radius!  A bomb had been planted in the mower!  Who would do such a thing?

Through many tests that we did, we came to one conclusion as to who set the bomb; The Babysitter.  She must have broken out of prison to sabotage our mower.  She may have even been in cahoots with our new babysitter Nanny.  Either way, there was one thing that save Tubbo from a fiery grave.  Laziness.  Yup, laziness saved my life. 

There is a point to this, kiddies.  Be lazy, and you will be rewarded.  Also, check your riding mower before you take it for a spin.

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1000 Views!

Well folks, we finally did it.  We have had over 1000 views at this site.  Know that on this day, June 7th, 2008, that we got 1000 views.  It took a mere four months to get that many views, while many other blogs here on WordPress never get that many.  But us Tubbo’s aren’t stopping at 1000 views, nor are we stopping at 10,000 views, 100,000 views, or even 100,000,000,000 views (which should happen soon…).  We Tubbo’s just chug on!  Chug chug chug the beer!  

We now have a thousand views, and to celebrate, we will give of you who have been to our site (all thousand of you) one hundred dollars!  Yay!  Just kidding.

Our advisors told us that the mustache was a bit much.  What do you guys think?  A little too much?  Tell us honestly- we can take it.

But now, onward we thrust!  To bigger and better things!  Rock on Tubbo’s!

UPDATE NOVEMBER 16th:  Five months later, we have more than five times the amount of views posted here, so this post is a more than a bit out-dated, but we’re keeping it up anyway, mostly ’cause we both love looking at Dubba Tubba with a mustache.

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The Magic Picture

“There is no God.”
     -Harry Windell

“Make it go away!  Ahhhhh!”
     -Jack Teryy 

“The horrors!  The horrors!”  
     -Victor Smith

“It’s cooooooool!”
     –The late Gregory “Weirdo” Chandel

All of the above are comments on the latest Tubbo Device we just invented.  The amazing, the horrible, the downright socially-unacceptable…  Magic Picture!!!  Scared yet?

WARNING:

Only for those with a strong heart.

Do not proceed if you have frequent heart-attacks and/or seizure tendencies.

This is no joke.  Three people have been killed by shock after viewing this, and another had to be hospitalized.  1/5 of all it’s viewers have had uncontrollable spasms (spaz’s!) after viewing.  You have gotta ask yourself, is it really worth going through life peeing yourself for looking at The Magic Picture?  Of course not.

But if you truly feel the need to view this terrible, terrible picture, you may proceed.  Just bear in mind that we at Tubbo Corp. hold no responsibility for the injury/death of your incompetence after viewing such a picture, and are not liable for any fatalities that may occur.  Don’t sue us.

Seriously, we really don’t recommend looking at this picture, but we wont stop you.  All we are gonna say is that Jennie was a good kid, and that we hope she rests in peace.

Here goes.  If you are truly ready, go below, and click on the picture below:

 

Did you click it?  You probably wussed out!  Not that anyone is blaming you… Of course, now, if you didn’t click on it, you’ll go through life remembering, “I didn’t click on that picture!  I wonder what it is.”  You just can’t win.  Hmm… Go through life twitching with absolute fear and insomnia, or go through life with guilt and eternal regret?  It’s your choice.

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Joe is Viewtiful

Now normally we don’t write reviews.  We leave that up to nerds and the professionals.  But every so often, we play a game so incredible that we just have to rave about it.  Viewtiful Joe is one of those (even if it forces us to write in pink- play the game and you’ll understand).  Now, on to the review!

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Of course, we like a lot of video games- Legend of Zelda, Halo, Mario, all the classics.  But we have a special place in our heart for one game in particular, and that game is Viewtiful Joe.  Imagine bone crushing punches in three speeds.  It can go Ba-a-a-m!  BAM!  Or Bambambambam!  You can zoom in and do special moves!  And all the action is intense and fast paced.  There has never been a better game.

Now, some nay-sayers might come up with the fact that the graphics are cartoon-y and bad.  But we say this is a good example of game with graphics that do exactly what they set out to do.  They go for the “cartoony” look on purpose.

Joe2Sure, they are a little glitchy (they were from the GCN era) but it never gets in the way of the game.

Even the story is great (we’ll spoil things for you- the Butler did it), with the whole movie theme going through the entire game.  How many games revolve around a nerd who loves movies, gets transferred into the movie realm, and still end up being epic?  We need more games like Viewtiful Joe.  That’s another thing!  The name!  How can a name be any cooler than Viewtiful Joe?  Except, of course Tubboful Joe, or maybe Viewtiful Tubbo…

There needs to be more original games like Viewtiful Joe.  Too many games today revolve around sports, shooting, or minigames.  There’s nothing wrong with a few good shooters now and then, but we’d pick an creative (and fun) game over a generic shooter game any day of the week.

Joe1There is just so many great things about Viewtiful Joe that we can’t possibly mention them all, but one thing we really like about it is how it isn’t all raw action.  There’s a lot of fighting in it of course (we Tubbo’s are like anyone else- loving violence, blood, and anything discouraged by parents), but it is well spread out.  For one thing, you have to dodge attacks using the control pad.  After that, you have an opening in which you can either speed up your attacks or slow them down (increasing your power by a lot).  You can also purchase other moves from the store.  There are also puzzles thrown into the game, some of them being quite hard. 

We can’t recommend this game highly enough.  Viewtiful Joe (AKA Tubboful Joe) is genius.  Not as genius as us, but still.  If you don’t already have this game (we bet you don’t- it’s rare.  We were forced to steal it from our local video-renting store…  Whatever the hell those things are called.), buy it now.  10/10.

Pure Viewtiful.

 

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