The Tubbo Site is closed.

For good.

This isn’t a joke. This isn’t some witty play on words. We’re not gonna turn it around with “Now you all have heart-attacks! Haha!” although that is something we’d do. The Tubbo Site is closed for good.

We’ve had a lot of fun on WordPress but it’s finally over. We’re gone so your life is pretty much meaningless now. Our bad. We have reasons why we’ve decided to quit blogging, but we’re not gonna tell you. Because we like watching you squirm? Yeah, probably.

This’ll be the last post you’ll ever see by the famed Tubbo & Dubba Tubba — at least in this life. 20,000 hits? Not bad. We’d like to thank you all for your support and dedication, even the ones who stopped by only to write us some BS hatemail. Thanks, you guys rock.

The Official Tubbo Website:

March 2nd, 2008 to October 1st, 2009. RIP.

Let us murder your kids.

Do you hate your children?  Do you ever wish a strange man would pick them up in his van on their way home from school?  Do you feel like giving them a “permanent timeout?”  If you answered yes, we have the solution!  Here at the Official Tubbo Website, we’ll kill your kids for you at a reasonable price!  Contact us now at 177 – we – eat – kids and your kids will be gone before you know it!  We’re so sure our customers will be satisfied with our ninja-assassin skills, sometimes we don’t even tell the parent we’re about to kill their child!  Check out this happy costumer;

A happy costumer.  Prices start at $50 per killing.  At this price, you can’t afford not to have your children killed!

Did your baby just crap the floor?  That isn’t normal.  Call us.  Did your 10-year-old spill some milk?  The saying is wrong.  Call us.  Did your punk-ass teen just mouth off?  Call us, unless you want to finish him off yourself.  If your kid is the best thing in the world and you love him, call us anyway.  Or else we’ll kill your kids.

“WTF” of the week – Green Day censored?

There have been things going on last week that have made us think (sometimes scream) “WTF?!”  Then we realized that it wasn’t so special, that WTF-moments happen nearly every week.  And this is where our genius comes in; we thought to ourselves, “why not put these WTF-moments on our website?”

Yeah, we know this is an awesome idea, don’t bother telling us.

So from now on, to brighten everybody’s otherwise dreary Monday, we’ll be ranting about subjects (things that happened the previous week) that you can’t read about without thinking (or maybe screaming, depending on how much you’re like us) WTF?!  Everyone needs some Tubbo in their life, and bringing it to you on Mondays when you need it most should help you through that God-forsaken day.  Or maybe it’ll just make you crabby all day, we aren’t sure.

Oh, by the way, we really wanted to go off on a rant about Monday there (note the way we said “God-forsaken” instead of “crummy” — usually a sign we’re about to start ranting).  But then we decided that would be lowering ourselves to Garfield’s level, and we couldn’t bring ourselves to do that.  We wouldn’t touch any subject Jim Davis has pissed on without ski-gloves and a surgical mask, and even then we’d be concerned about AIDS (“awesome-idea-deficiency-syndrome” — when was the last time Garfield has said anything remotely innovative or interesting?  Honestly, Jim Davis has been whining about the same subjects since Garfield first burdened newspaper stands everywhere with his morbid obesity and monotone (we can tell just by the text) remarks.  The cat has an eating disorder and isn’t particularly enthralled by Mondays, we get it, move on.).  And don’t get us started on Mondays . . .

Back to the WTF of the Week: today, we’re getting things starting by choosing an “international” topic (yeah, we know that was bad, but we aren’t changing it) teen girls everywhere should be familiar with: Green Day.

Okay, 21st Century Breakdown sucked hard.  No one expected otherwise, no big surprise there.  We thought about making fun of it a bit just for being the 2nd biggest flop of 2009 (number one spot goes to that new Spinal Tap album; thinking about them gives us a not-so-mild migraine.  If you haven’t heard it yet, consider yourself a survivor.), but we decided not to just because it has so many obvious flaws.  It’s completely commercial (more so than American Idiot), all the songs are radio length (2:50 – 3:30), and the punk sound that once made Green Day a notable band has long since died.  Anything we said on this site would just be repeating what thousands of others have said months earlier.  It may make someone go “WTF is this noise?” or “WTF were Green Day thinking?”, but not a solid, expressionless “W. T. F?” so that’s why it isn’t here. This snippet of a review (new window) sums up our feelings almost exactly.  We aren’t complaining about 21st Century Breakdown today (we’re saving that for tomorrow - we kid!).  We’re complaining about American Idiot.  And again, the American Idiot album sucked nearly as hard as 21st Century Breakdown, and anyone who says otherwise is kidding themselves to the point where they also probably believe the world is still flat.  We aren’t ranting about the album itself, per se.  We’re ranting about how Green Day presented the album, namely the music videos.  Allow us to explain (or, if you’re a Green Day fan, don’t wait for us to explain and write us some poorly-informed hatemail).

So we were creeping around the Internet, looking for ways to watch Green Day’s videos for American Idiot in high quality (and for free) because we wanted extra material to rant about and we’ll be damned if we pay for it (plus, YouTube fails at high quality and life), when we decided to go straight to the source; the Official Green Day Website (greenday.com).  Hey, now that we think about it, Green Day stole our “Official Tubbo Website” name!  Bastards!

We wanted to watch the American Idiot video specifically because of it’s controversy; we were ready to cut through the biased BS and into the hearts of Billie Joe, Tre Cool, and Mike Dirnt —  Dirnt?  Really?  Dirnt?  We were trying to be all grim and serious here, but seriously, “Dirnt?”  Are we the only ones who see the issue with that last name?  He could have changed it to something cool like “Cool,” yet his last name is still “Dirnt?”  WTF?

No, that’s not the WTF of the week, we got sidetracked again.  We were watching the American Idiot music video (official we might add) on the Green Day website when we got to the part where Billie Joe usually says “the subliminal mindf–k America,” when something shocking occurred: the “F-Word” got censored out.  It got “bleeped.”

Now think about this for a minute (just don’t strain yourself).  Green Day have censored themselves on their own website.  Anyone see the total hypocrisy in this?  They decided to swear in one of their songs, but they don’t have the backbone to be able to air it on their own website!  Green Day have censored themselves on their own freaking website.

(Yes, that is the “WTF” of the week, not getting sidetracked this time.)

Some of you smartasses are thinking, “more like WTF is the big deal?”  We’ll tell you what the big freaking deal is (although we admit what the smartasses said was a bit witty, probably because we’re the ones who thought of it); Green Day, apparent punk-advocates and self-titled saviors of rock (we don’t need a savior of rock, Green Day, we already have Cannibal Corpse.  Thanks all the same.) are censoring themselves in their own videos on their own website.  It would be one thing to censor out the F-Word when the video is going to be played on MTV or a pussy television station like that (PBS Kids for example), but on their own website?  All that’s telling us is Green Day lost their guts and are afraid of getting emailed by a few former-fan’s mum announcing how she’s “very disappointed at the messages they’re giving her child.”  Shut the hell up, ma’am.

Basically, it would be like if we called a website a “crap-bag ass-knuckle” right here at the Tubbo Site.  Then when we got an email from the same website saying they were offended, we decide to fold and change it to “c–p-bag a-s-knuckle.”  That wouldn’t make much sense, would it?  It would probably make you wonder why we said it in the first place.  We would never do that because 1.) if we call a website a crap-bag ass-knuckle, they probably are and the truth is the best policy (sometimes) and 2.) we have morals, skewed as they are, and we’ll back up anything we say on this site (unlike a certain band we know).  Seriously, if Green Day couldn’t hear the unedited song on their website, why would they swear in it in the first place?  We no comprende.  El WTF?

It’s almost as if Green Day can’t make up their mind.  They want to appeal to the faux-punk kids by swearing and acting tough, but they also want to appeal to wimpy pasty-white kids who like Green Day’s music (well, they don’t like the music, but it’s popular so that doesn’t matter) but aren’t allowed to hear “naughties.”  Goddamit, make up your mind, Green Day, ’cause until you do, neither of the groups will want to listen to you.  Actually, having your music forgotten would make the world a whole lot better . . . Just keep it up, Green Day, keep it up.

Green Day are filthy hypocrites. That’s the only explanation we’ve got.  They censor themselves on their website, and aren’t worth a quarter of the recognition they get (not even the negative recognition they get for sucking).   Personally, if we were parents, we’d be more concerned about Green Day teaching kids hypocrisy than Green Day “teaching” kids a word they hear 10,000 times a day in school.  Hmm . . . do we want our kids to be able to think their minds or do we want our kids to be flimsy hypocrites who bend over every time a record label tells them to?  Thinking caps, everybody.

To prove we have more backbone than a freaking punk rock band, we’re gonna say something “controversial” and we’re gonna keep it up on the Tubbo Website.  If, after ten days, our controversial words are still on this page, it proves Green Day are fake, gutless hypocrites and that we’re better in every known (and unknown) way.  If it goes down after less than ten days, we’ll take back everything we’ve said about Green Day.  But we won’t mean it.

We’ll say: you’re mother is a faggot with crap for brains.
(Green Day also censored the word “faggot” in their American Idiot video, so this is apparently controversial and we daringly insulted your mother, which is hardcore yo.)

Check back in ten days to see if the above sentence is still here.  Then continue to check back after the ten days because this is one badass article.

Most of the time when we rant about something on the Tubbo Site, we don’t actually care about it strongly in real life, but this time it’s different.  We’re honestly pissed off about this.  Blood pressure . . . Rising . . .  The first time we heard the censored video, we kicked our pug in the face because it was the nearest and ugliest thing we could find (The Babysitter wasn’t present).  Then we sent Green Day a virus-encrypted email.  Then we got hunted down by Animal Control and the FBI.  And it’s all Green Day’s fault.  We kinda got cooled down after a while, but now we’re remembering what happened and it’s making us angry again.  Dammit!  We need our special homemade therapy!  Where the hell’s our pug?

We’ve heard some people (hippies, probably) saying that everyone’s a hypocrite and calling someone on it makes you twice the hypocrite they are.  That doesn’t stop those same damn hippies from reprimanding Bush’s hypocrisy (although we can’t blame them), and it isn’t gonna stop us from trashing Green Day.  And if anybody calls us bigger hypocrites than Green Day, we KILL YOU!

We’ve been assuming Green Day censored their video by choice, but that might not be the case.  Maybe their label (or their mothers) forced them to.  In which case the whole situation is 10x worse, because not only does that reinforce our “Green Day = Hypocrites” statement, but it also means that Green Day can’t stand up for themselves or their statements, and get down on their knees (for sure figuratively, probably also physically) whenever their label coughs.  Honestly Green Day, grow a pair (as much as we hate that phrase) and stick up for yourselves a little.  At one time we thought Green Day sucked up to the Man, but now we think Green Day is the Man.  Either way, we won’t be listening to any Green Day for quite a while (maybe we’ll pirate their new album of LimeWire just to hurt sales), and we encourage you all to follow our lead.  We also encourage you to follow us when we jump off this bridge right here.

Green Day – WTF?  Tune in next time for another “WTF” of the week next Monday.

Don’t stress out; it’ll kill you.

We recently got a spam email that announced it had “discovered the secret to looking younger.”  Being that we’re already nearly five years old, this is one of our big concerns, and we jumped (or rather, sat there) at the chance of looking younger.  Unfortunately, the email refused to just tell us what the damn secret was, instead forcing us to go to their website to find out.  (But we want the secret nooooow, tell tell tell!)  They offered us a strange link with the promise of looking at least ten years longer upon clicking.  So we did what we always do when we get suspicious links from people we don’t know.  We clicked it.

It took us to a foreign land from another time a boring-ass website about health.  The little attention span we had was quickly riddling away because of the complete boringness of the website (if we visit a site without a GIF of a guy getting decapitated, it’s hard for us to remain interested.  We’re sure many people have that problem.) so we decided to hurriedly click a link that said “Doctors’ tips” before we fell asleep right there.

There were a bunch of tips for looking younger that everyone already knows about (things like “drink water, get 8+ hours of sleep, eat breakfast, pound yourself with a brick and repeat,” etc.), but there was one that said “don’t worry about little things” and was hyperlinked.  By this time, we’d already built an addiction for clicking things (clicking kills), so we thought, “one more click won’t hurt us.”  *Click.*  How wrong we were.  How wrong we were.

A page came up that contained a picture of an ugly dude in a doctor’s uniform, and all this crap about how the biggest thing that ages a person is stress, and how you should try to stop worrying about things that don’t matter (we’re assuming their talking about things like world hunger and such).  So basically what this quack is saying is, “don’t get stressed out.  It’ll kill you.”

Gee thanks, psycho.  We were fine until you told us not to worry (or else you’ll die).  Now we’re staying up worrying all night, not about reasonable things that matter, but about freakin’ worrying!  We’re worrying about worrying!  How does that work?!  How are you supposed to stop worrying when they’re saying you’ll die if you don’t?  Are they going for some warped ironic humor, or are they just trying to freak us out?  ”Stay calm or you’re dead.”  Yeah, very reassuring, idiots.  If you want people to stop worrying, threatening them with death probably isn’t gonna work.  It might even make them worry more.  That idea is right up there with, say, shock-therapy.

We can see someone reading all this bullcrap for the first time taking it like this:

Ah man, worrying causes aging?  But I always worry!  Does that mean I’m gonna age horribly?  Oh crap!  I’m worrying!  I gotta stop worrying or else I’ll age!  I need to stop worrying!  Oh crap, oh crap!  I’m worrying about worrying!  Why can’t I stop worrying?!

At this point, the talking stops as this poor guy shoots himself in the head.

It’s like we’re back in school and the coach is telling us to win the game or he’ll never let us play again (it didn’t work).  How the hell are we supposed to stop worrying when you they keep threatening us?  Reverse psychology doesn’t work in this situation, tools.  It’s gonna make people more stressful, more agitated, and more prone to illness. And then they’ll all die.

So basically, trying to get healthier only makes you less healthy.  Health is screwed, so why try?  The less you care about being healthy, the healthier you’ll be.  So take us to McDonald’s, now.

“Conrad Murray is innocent.”

“Conrad Murray is innocent.”
– Tubbo & Dubba Tubba, authors of this post.

Yeah, that’s right, we’re siding with the underdog for once in our life.  We’ve recently been reading news stories on this “Conrad Murray” person; Michael Jackson’s doctor who apparently prescribed MJ the drugs he overdosed on.  And guys?  The man is innocent.

Now, we’re no lawyers.  We don’t pretend to be lawyers unless you piss us off.  We’ve even been mistaken as illiterate Republicans despite the fact that we’re obviously Third Party.  But this story was chocked full of so much BS that one voice of logic could send the whole things spiraling down.  We hope to be that voice.  At the very least, we want to be the misinformed voice of stupidity that makes everyone else angry.  We’ll take either one.

First off, we’d like to say that if Conrad Murray is convicted of anything, it might was well be euthanasia, because Michael Jackson was definitely in on it.  We’re aren’t sure if Michael wanted to die or if he just wanted to get high (we thought about changing the previous sentence so it didn’t rhyme because of the seriousness of the topic, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to delete such awesomness), but we are sure that this wasn’t just a “wrong prescription” as some are claiming.  When you get the wrong medicine prescribed to you, you usually wind up with a headache.  Severe cases may cases cause vomiting and badass craps.  You very rarely die, unless the mistake is so tremendous that it practically had to be intentional.

Now, we’re not trying to make this out to be a conspiracy or anything (the Government didn’t kill MJ and aliens weren’t involved, we promise).  It’s simple; the public wants a scapegoat, so the Media gives them one.  Conrad Murray is the easiest target, and now he’s facing criminal charges.  If the cost of entertainment these days are a man’s life (he’ll likely be in jail for 4 years, but his record is pretty much screwed; we’ll be shot down by the Mafia overlord before this poor chump becomes a doctor again), we certainly don’t want to take part in it.

And if MJ was taking illegal drugs prescribed by this guy (which seems to be what the Media is saying)?  We think the charges should be the same; euthanasia.  If you ask us (which you are) and excuse our political incorrectness (we now we should wait a few years before turning on MJ-fans but this can’t wait that long), Michael Jackson got what he deserved.  Whether he was taking drugs to kill himself or just get high, he got what was coming to him for messing with them in the first place.  If he didn’t get the prescription from Conrad Murray (assuming that’s what they were for in the first place; they’re are so many uncertainties in this matter, no fair court could possibly convict anyone . . . ’sept maybe a Texas court), he would have gotten them from someone else.  We believe Michael should be held accountable for his actions; they shouldn’t be blamed on a clearly innocent man.  And as Michael Jackson is dead, this game of “who-can-we-blame” should be forgotten, at least by the courts.

Even when you look at it beyond a moral standpoint, it’s still Michael who ordered the drugs, still Michael who took the drugs, and still Michael who is dead.  Let the matter die with him.

Why bother bringing us dinner if you weren’t gonna bring us dessert?

We started a rumor around town that our mother/brother/uncle was dying of cancer/AIDS/fire (we don’t really remember, it was three whole days ago), and all of a sudden, we got a bunch of sympathy from . . . everyone. We have to admit, it caught us off-guard; we couldn’t figure out why they were trying so hard to be nice. It’s almost as if people felt bad for us. As if they had feelings. We doubt it though. Nobody does anything nice just for the sake of being nice, and if you don’t believe that, you’re probably a toddler that needs to cut back a bit on the crack. If someone does something nice for you, it’s either because a.) they want to be able to brag about it later, or b.) they feel guilty about something and think doing something nice will make them feel better. They don’t care about the person they’re actually doing something nice for, it’s all (indirectly) about them, no matter how nice they seem. And this goes for everyone, too. Oh sure, some people, religious types mostly, may claim they do nice things for you because they “like you,” or because they “wanted to help out,” but it’s obvious those are lies because no one likes you and anyone who wants to help you out has got way too much time on their hands.  Or maybe they’re just trying to compensate for some stupid crap they did as a kid by doing something “nice” (which is futile because they usually end up feeling guiltier then before they began and we still don’t feel any better about “our mother dying”).  Either way, they can go screw themselves because none of them really care about us or our mother, God bless her soul.  We guarantee that if we hadn’t lied and said our mother/sister/aunt was dying, they wouldn’t even glance our way.  Never to be nice, always to benefit themselves.   Some people still think people’s acts of kindness are products of “the goodness of their hearts?”  BAH!  There is no goodness . . . only hate, evil, and terror. Human sympathy died with Hitler in WW ll, and it isn’t coming back (good riddance, we say).  Satan rules this world now.  And we for one (two?) welcome our new Prince-of-darkness overlord.  Humans are scum. And the time for rectifying will soon arise . . . .

Anyway, one particularly guilt-ridden woman — we’ll call her Ms.  Gooch to protect her identity — came by our house one night with some tupperware filled with dinner.  It seems Ms. Gooch was so filled with guilt that she actually felt she needed to make us dinner.  Sucker!  If our mother really was dying of cancer, why would dinner make us feel better?  It would actually make things worse, likely reminding us of better dinners (Ms. Gooch was a terrible cook) our mother had made before she started “passing on” (we use “passing on” because apparently it’s more socially acceptable than saying “about to kick the crapper”).  Not so considerate now, are you Ms. Gooch?

We thought to ourselves, “hey, a free dinner.  Not bad, even if it does taste like crap.”  Our little game of lying to gain sympathy sounded like a great success and we planned on doing it again sometime soon.  But as we looked closer at the tupperware, we noticed something shocking; there was roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, and two bowels of chicken noodle soup, but there wasn’t any dessert. 

Our faces instantly fell (no, they didn’t get chopped off by Ms. Gooch, it’s just an expression, idiot).  Ms.  Gooch asked us why, and hearing her cranky-witch voice only made us angrier, so we blurted out, “what the hell is this?  Is this some kinda twisted joke?  Don’t you realize our mother is freaking dying?!”  Ms. Gooch was confused, so we idiotified it: “didn’t you you make us dessert?  How are we supposed to eat this without dessert?”  Ms. Gooch started stuttering that she “didn’t know” and “must’ve forgotten,” but people who stutter piss us off, and we were already pissed off enough to kill someone, so we grabbed the dinner she made for us and threw it into her face (although we kept the chicken noodle; that stuff is damn good).  She started sobbing and began to run out of the house, but we tripped her as she reached the stairs.  She started to fall, but we don’t know what happened next because we had already slammed the door shut.

All in all, it was a pretty fruitful week.  We got some chicken noodle soup, and we haven’t heard from Ms. Gooch since the “incident.”  A neighbor mentioned something about needing surgery for a broken neck, but we haven’t gotten around to looking into it yet.  Super Mario comes first.

“Whoa!  Amazing!  After receiving this crappy dinner, we totally feel alright with our mum dying!”

What do we really look like?

We’ve been getting emails asking, “what do you guys really look like?” enough to actually justify putting the question in our FAQ.  We were hesitant, at first, to post a real picture of us, mostly because it would make people jealous.  But then we remembered that we love making people jealous.  Other interests include making people unhappy, making people insecure, and making people angry.

 So today, as a rare treat, we’ll be posting a real picture of Dubba Tubba (maybe we’ll post one of Tubbo next time).

“Anyone wanna arm wrestle?” 

Yeah, we work out.  Sometimes.  Dubba Tubba’s triceps aren’t quite where he wants them, but you get the idea.

UPDATE – After posting this picture, hatemail has decreased by around 75%.  We should do this more often.

Crappy blog ideas.

Lately, WordPress blogs seem to be overrun with crappy trends and ill-thought-out ideas that make you wonder were any of these thought up by a mental-ward resident? The answer is likely “yes,” but the trends continue regardless, which makes you wonder are the people following these trends mental-ward residents? Again, the answer is almost certainly “yes,” but that isn’t the point here. The point is most all these ideas are crappy. Crap straight out of the Asian’s mouth. Yeah, we went there. Read the following if you want the poopiest ideas for your blog ever invented, because we’re just that mature.

• Ratings.

 

One of the particularly crappy trends is the Rating function WordPress Support recently added. Using this, bloggers allow their viewers to rate their posts using a 1-5 star system, not unlike that of YouTube.

We’ve refused to use or enable this feature, not because we’re afraid we’ll get 1 star reviews; in fact, it’s quite the opposite. If we were to enable this feature, our blog would become flooded with five star ratings, to the point where every single one of our posts would have a perfect 5 stars. This would discourage fans from making their own blogs, because they’d think they would “never be as good as the Tubbo twins.” And we say good riddance to them, it’s obviously true.

Okay, we kinda ruined it there. We had a great Sob Story going there, and we trashed it all for a quick jab at our viewers. Crap. Most people would know that’s not true anyway, so oh well. We wouldn’t get five star reviews, and we couldn’t care less. But we do have a good reason for not using the Rating system; we don’t need you to rate us. To be completely honest, we don’t even want you to rate us. We don’t need some lowlife tween’s five star rating to sleep at night. You want the truth? We think we’re better than you. Happy? You aren’t gonna kill yourself, are you? We honestly think we’re worth more than you. It might be our ego, it might be the truth, but we believe we are superior. We don’t need your approval because it doesn’t matter to us. If we had built this blog with the intentions of garnering approval and pleasing the public, we wouldn’t have made enemies with bigger, more popular blogs, and we wouldn’t have written about such experiences. Controversy isn’t generally praised with a “Let’s-Make-Tubbo-President” status, yet we continue to write controversial material. Why do you think that is? Maybe because we don’t give a crap what you think? Maybe because we know we’re better than people who complain about controversy and truth? Ratings would contradict everything we’ve stood for here at the Tubbo Site, and we’re not gonna throw it all away just to make the viewers feel like they’re doing something constructive by giving a particularly controversial post one star (because they’re not). And to all the people who do rate blogs with one star; screw you. The owner of that blog is worth twice what you are, because he’s doing something with his life, even if it is blogging. It’s more than what could be said for you. So yeah, um, up yours.

We’ve generated more hate than love in the three years that we’ve had this blog, and we’re damn proud of it. Bully for the messed up rating system and all it’s users, because your opinions on something we do in our spare time are worthless. Our blog is our blog, it belongs to us, and we write for ourselves. No one else, not you, not our dog, not even old Bill McGraw down the way, God bless him. This is completely for our pleasure. If we give a few people looking for angry rants a good read, hey, that’s great, but if all we do is piss people off, hey, that’s even better. That’s right, to all you people getting ready to shoot us a hatemail at this very moment; Hahahahahaha! The jokes on you, tard-faced losers. All you’re doing is proving that we’re right (and we are right, it says so on our homepage). So you know what? Screw the rating system, screw the haters, and screw you, too.

• Music players.

 

And now for something completely different . . . Let’s put the self-liberation and feel good crap (above) aside for a minute. It’s time to talk about music players. No, we’re not talking about the over-priced and wrongly-hyped iPod by Apple (but we do hate those things, that might be a good idea for another rant-post). We’re talking about when bloggers think they’re being innovative (when all they’re actually being is retarded) by putting an HTML code for playing music (called MixPlayers) into their blog. Example below:

If you are gonna put a music player in your blog, here’s a bit of advice; DON’T HAVE THE MUSIC PLAY AUTOMATICALLY. That pisses us off more than anything (more than telemarketers and nuclear war combined), and for good reason. Many times we’ve damn near crapped ourselves when we come to a blog, unaware that we’re about to be blasted with music (we accidentally leave the volume all the way up on occasion). We’ve visited blogs before, at school when we’re supposed to be working (shh, don’t tell), and then this music blares out of the computer because some IDIOT decides that their blog should play that new Britney Spears song whenever it’s loaded. What the hell?! That’s a terrible freaking idea, a 2-year-old coulda told you that. Thanks idiot, now we have detention (and a heart-attack), and it’s all your fault. And you still think you should have your music play automatically? Anyone who thinks this is a good idea doesn’t deserve to breath, let alone host a blog! If you’re gonna put a music player into your blog, that’s a stupid idea. If you’re gonna have the music play automatically, that’s an even stupider idea; get ready for some justified hatemail from us, because that’s one of our thousands of pet peeves (and it’s near the top).

Another bit of advice if you’re gonna be a jerk and have everyone stop visiting your blog because of one poor idea; try putting a song that everyone enjoys on your player. Can’t think of any? That’s probably because no two people have the same taste in music! And no, not everyone likes that obnoxious new “BOOM POW” song by the Black Eyed Peas (or whatever it’s called, we have more important things to do than listen to rap-pop, like collecting dust bunnies for our collection). Personally, we leap from the car whenever that song pops up on the radio, whether we’re pulling out of the driveway, or speeding on a highway.

“Oh hai, we’d da Black Eyed Peas and we can’t not think of ‘ny good lyrics fo our new song so we’s just gonna scream BOOM BOOM POW! over n over like goddamn diabetic kids playing Power Rangers!!” No, just turn it off. Your taste in music sucks, why prove it by putting this on your music player?

We can hear the emails coming already: “But Tubbos, what if I have a wide range of music on my player so everyone hears something they like?” We’ve got an even better idea; how about you get rid of the music player instead, and let people listen to what they like from their own computer, you tool?! Most people are capable of booting up iTunes, they don’t need help from your pussy blog. If viewers want to listen to music, they’ll do it on there own. If they don’t want to listen to music, they aren’t gonna, and having your crappy music forced onto them every time they try to visit your blog isn’t gonna make them happy, it’s just gonna piss them off.

Our favorite type of music is Norwegian death metal and doom thrash. How often do you think we hear a song we like on a blog’s music player? Not very often. We’d rather hear silence, no, we’d rather have our ears gnawed off by cats than suffer through another top-40 chart topper. We’ve seriously stopped going to blogs we used to enjoy going to because we can’t stand the music they’ve started playing. So unless you can find a song that is universally loved (hint, it starts with an N and ends with an OTHING), turn the player off auto-play, or better yet, just ditch the player altogether, or better yet, delete the blog and shoot yourself in the head. Please.

We think features like these are thought up just to make people like us angry.

• Fancy CSS, JavaScript, or Flash.

 

If you’re thinking about getting a blog, there are three things it can definitely do without; Fancy CSS, JavaScript, and Flash. Used to “bright up” a blog and it’s interface, usually using these do more harm than good.

Now, we’re “slightly” biased towards things like Flash and JavaScript, partly because we never figured out how to use them and partly because we’ve witnessed seizures at the hands terribly done CSS, but we can still speak for most when we say that too much CSS/JavaScript/Flash is too damn much. Notice how we say too much, not all. That’s because, when done right and used sparingly, things like CSS can actually be kinda cool. We’ve actually been thinking about switching to payed upgrade to enable CSS for a while now. But if we do get it, you can be sure our blog isn’t gonna become one of those flashy, unnavigable, epileptic hells that you see all over WordPress lately.

And again, we can already here the emails coming: “But Tubbos, I like doing CSS and it’s kinda like a hobby lol.” We have one thing to say to you: SHUDDUP! You’re a nerd, you enjoy writing code, so kindly shut the hell up while the grown-ups talk.

If you have any skill at writing (even skills equal to that of a toddler; basically if you can spell “red”), you’ll never have to resort to using overdone CSS. Unfortunately, it’s those that don’t have good content who choose to use CSS. We’re tired of seeing content-less blogs on WordPress’s front page just because of some crappy Flash. That reminds us; if you have to use Flash — and you shouldn’t ever “have” to use Flash — for the love of God don’t use it as a Flash intro page. It’s the biggest audience killer ever (not that blogs using Flash deserve an audience). When will people wake up and realize the blog sucks? Whoopee, you learned how to copy’n'paste code into a text box! Now learn to how string words to make a comprehensible sentence, then we’ll talk. It’s not the gimmicky CSS, the bright colours, or the animations that matter; it’s the content! You can usually tell if a blog is any good just by looking at the interface, which we’ve gotten quite good at; a sharply tuned BS radar keeps you away from crappy JavaScript-dependent blogs. Basically, ask yourself, does it use a lot of fancy CSS? If yes, there’s a 95% chance the owner is using the CSS to cover up his poor writing. If no, the blog still probably sucks, but at least the owner doesn’t try to hide it. We respect honesty in talentless hacks.

Blog owners using CSS, we’ve got a message to you, BS-Express: pull your head out of your ass, go back to school, and try blogging again once you pass 2nd grade. If there isn’t anything worth reading, what’s the point of even visiting the blog?! When was the last time any of you visited a blog with the sole purpose of admiring the amazing Header (although our Header is quite amazing, so it’s only a matter of time) or the “nefty” GIF animations? That’s not why we anyone visits blogs. We everyone visits blogs to read something interesting, and there has never been an interesting blog that feels the need to use JavaScript. If it was interesting, it would be able to stand on it’s own with support from it’s Flash AIDS. We’ll praise CSS and Flash on their own terms, but NOT when they get in the way of the blog.

Want an example of one the worst-designed blogs, ever? Click here (new window); we discovered it during our time at Legoless’s Blog. It’s laughably bad, and by “laughably bad” we mean we started twitching uncontrollably after visiting it just once.

 

That’s all we’ve got for you, although crappy ideas for blogs spring up almost daily. Keep on the look out for crap-blogs, and don’t fall for any of their tricks. Or else we’ll kill you.